Joke of the week

A U.S. Air Force Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep..

He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"

A Major chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.

A Captain said it was 50-50%.

A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the sergeant who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young sergeant responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.."

The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

The room fell silent.

God Bless the enlisted man.
 
Fact about manure

Manure... An interesting fact

Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported
by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so
large shipments of manure were common.

It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when
wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the
process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas.

As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen.

Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came
below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just
what was happening.

After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term
'Ship High In Transit' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it
high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold
would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.

Thus evolved the term 'S.H.I.T', (Ship High In Transit) which has come
down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

You probably did not know the true history of this word.

Neither did I.

I had always thought it was a golf term. :eek:
 
The Mother of All Jokes?

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of
tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the two pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping
through photos. They start reminiscing.

'This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.'
'Yes, I remember him as a baby' says the other mother cheerfully.
He's a martyr now though - the mother confides.
'Oh, so sad dear' says the other.

'And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.'
'Oh, I remember him,' says the other happily, 'he had such curly hair when
he was born'.
'He's a martyr too' says the mother quietly.
'Oh, gracious me ...' says the other.

'And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have
been 18', she whispers.
'Yes' says the friend enthusiastically, 'I remember when he first started
school'
'He's a martyr also,' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at
the photographs and, searching for the right words, says...

'They blow up so fast, don't they?’
:eek::eek:
 
Frank

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets
into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the
time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like
that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman He was a terrific athlete. He could have won
the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an
opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard
him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered
everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and
which fork to eat them with.. He could fix anything. Not like me. I
change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman,
he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid
traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But
Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman
and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was
in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly
polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one
could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died.....
I'm married to his f*&^%$g widow."
 
Tee time tragedy

Vern was teeing off from the men's tee.

On his downswing, he realized that his wife, Joy, was teeing up on the woman's tee directly in front of him.

Unable to stop his swing, he nailed it and hit her right in the temple, killing her instantly.

A few days later, he got a call from the coroner regarding her autopsy.

Coroner: "Vern, your wife seems to have died from blunt force trauma to the head. You said you hit a golf ball and hit her in the temple, is that correct?"

Vern: "Yes sir, that's correct."

Coroner: "Well, inexplicably, I found a golf ball wedged up her behind."

Vern: "Was it a Titleist 3?"

Coroner: "Yes, it was."

Vern: "That was my mulligan." :eek::eek::eek:
 
The pilot

An old Pilot sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.



As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..



She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'



He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca's, Neiuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot.'



She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'



The two sat sipping in silence.



A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'



He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.
:eek: :eek:
 
Shortest books

The Worlds Shortest Books.





THINGS I DID TO DESERVE

THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE

by Barack Obama

____________________________________________

OTHER BLACK PEOPLE I'VE MET WHILE YACHTING

by Tiger Woods

______________________________________________

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY

by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan.
Illustrated by Michael Moore

________________________________________


MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS &
HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA

by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton

_______________________________________

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL

by Hillary Clinton

________________________________


Sequel:
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
By Bill Clinton

___________________________________


MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
by Osama Bin Laden

___________________________________


THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates

____________________________________


THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
by Dennis Rodman
_________________________________


THINGS WE KNOW TO BE TRUE
by Al Gore & John Kerry
_____________________________________

AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC

___________________________________


A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
by Dr. J.. Kevorkian

__________________________________


TO ALL THE MEN WE HAVE LOVED, BEFORE ......
by Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnel

_________________________________

GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
by Mike Tyson


__________________________________

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
_______________________________________

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
by O. J. Simpson
_________________________________________


HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE SAFELY
by Ted Kennedy
______________________


MY BOOK OF MORALS
by Bill Clinton with introduction
by the Rev. Jesse Jackson





*******************************************************

AND, JUST ADDED:





Complete Knowledge of Military Strategy!
By Nancy Pelosi
:D
 
Sign in airport bathroom

In an airport washroom, I saw this handwritten sign posted over one of those hot air hand dryers:

"Please push button and listen for a short message from the President!"



There's nothing like hot air and the smell of fresh crap
to give you that true Obama presence!

:eek: :eek:
 
Irish Alzheimers

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fainted when he
Saw him. Murphy had never been seen in Church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, 'Murphy, I am so glad
Ya decided to come to Mass, what made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced
Me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat
Just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn comes to Church every Sunday. I
Also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he
Would leave it in the back of Church. So, I was going to leave after
Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat..
What changed your mind?"

Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I
Decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, "After I talked about 'Thou
Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without the hat than burn in
Hell, right?"

Murphy slowly shook his head and said, "No, Father, after ya talked about
'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I left me hat
 
Bin Laden's Genie

>>
>>
>>
>> While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle
>> on
>> the sand and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle
>> and
>> with a smile said, "Master, may I grant you one wish?"
>>
>> Osama responded," You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you
>> know
>> who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything."
>>
>> The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be
>> returned to
>> that bottle forever."Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the
>> impertinence of the woman and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with
>> three
>> American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with
>> you."
>>
>> The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.
>>
>> The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya
>> Harding,
>> and Nancy Pelosi at his side. His penis was gone, his knees were broken,
>> and he
>> had no health insurance.
 
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