Joke of the week

humor is good now a days. not much else. tell you about some of my pranks some time. kerry has nice message on his phone recorder. my wife would kill me.
 
2009 moron awards

TOP 8 MORONS OF 2009


1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence..


2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
Police in Oakland , CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, 'Please come out and give yourself up.'

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???

An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, where the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.




4. THE GETAWAY!

A man walked into a Topeka , Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.




5. DID I SAY THAT???Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: 'Give me all your money or I'll shoot', the man shouted, 'that's not what I said!'




6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING???A man spoke frantically into the phone: 'My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart'.. 'Is this her first child?' the doctor asked. 'No!' the man shouted, 'This is her husband!'




7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto , CA , Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!




8. THE GRAND FINALE!!!Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem... No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch.. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, as he was laughing so hard.

NOW REMEMBER, I'M NOT MAKING THIS UP...
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!


NOW THAT ONE I SAW AT LAKE NORFORK - OLD GUY JUST PURCHASED NEW PONTOON BOAT AND 1 ST BOAT HE EVER HAD - WE WHERE PULLING AWAY FROM THE DOCK WHEN MY BROTHER SAID LOOK AT THAT PONTOON BOAT SOMETHINGS NOT RIGHT - SO WE WENT AROUND THE FRONT ( WATERS VERY CLEAR THERE ) AND THIS OLD GUY STILL HAD TRAILER ATTACHED - WITH THAT MY BROTHER IS LAUGHING - I TOLD HIM WAIT LETS HELP THE GUY BEFORE HE GETS HURT. SO WE GOT HIS KEYS TO HIS PU TRUCK, BACKED DOWN RAMP - TIED ROPE TO BUMPER AND TO THE TRAILER - RELEASED TRAILER AND THEN PULLED TRAILER UP TO TRUCK AND HITCHED BACK UP - HE BOUGHT THIS AFTER HIS WIFE PAST ON CAUSE HE ALWAYS WANTED A BOAT - SO WE SPEND 40 MIN WITH HIM ON THE DO'S AND DON'TS - NICE OLD GUY AND HE WAS A HOOT - HE'S RETIRED AND LIVE ABOUT 1/2 MILE FROM MY BROTHER DOWN THERE - NOW HE ASKS IF HE'S IN DOUBT.
NOW THIS I SAW
 
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I will tell a brief one on myself(back when alcohol was a big part of my being).

I bought a 24' day cruiser back in the early '70's. Interior needed redone....my girlfried at the time(now my wife) was helping me with the curtains, seat cushions etc. I decided I wanted a pedestal seat that was higher than what was in it..I measured, calculated , measured again and drilled holes in the floor to attach the seat with lag bolts that would go thru some structural members for a good hold.

Got the boat done over the winter and was anxios to get it in the water, so come late March on Lake Decatur we took her out(remember alcohol was a big player at the time) and put er in the water... or 6 six of us(with alcohol in all) started cruising.. made serveral trips back to the slip to let some off take on some more...about 4th time to the dock, I noticed the dock seemed to be higher than I remembered(remember the alcohol thing).
Dock wasn't getting higher boat was gettin lower.
Bilge pump wasn't keeping up!!!!!!!

Had a buddy go get my car('71 Mark III with bumper hitch that had extra bracing that bolted to the trunk floor). I got the boat on the trailer, it had so much water in it the trunk floor buckled.
Drained the water....couldn't see any cracks or damage on the hull.
Extremely befuddled.
Finally jacked the boat up off the old style carpet/wood runners and saw a couple of shiney metal pieces sticking thru the hull rite over where the bunks were.

Guess I should have measured three times or had three less drinks.
Another 1/4" and I would have bolted it to the trailer and would have gone to thru previous scenerios.
 
Over the years while doing fabrication I learned measure twice - worst blunder was years ago I was using a tape measure that the end by 1 inch was damaged so I started at 2 in mark and for got to deduct 1 inch - finished all done went to send to have balance and just thought hell I will run it this week end then have it balanced later, ouch to long - chuck back up in lath cut and reweld all over - when all done Grabed that tape and walked out back door and threw it so hard it cleared the creek and landed on other side down at the shop.
 
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You guys have got to stop it & I mean NOW! Honest to God my sides can't take any more! :D I couldn't stop laughin on that one Snakey. I would've sworn that was Mikey postin & low & behold it was you. OMG you guys are FUNNY! :D:D:D:D
 
Nordakota

Ole is a farmer in Minnesota . He is in need of a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in Nordakota
(that would be North Dakota for you non-Scandahoovians out there).
He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow.
He reaches under to see if the cow gives milk.
When he grabs a teat and pulls....the cow farts.
Surprised, Ole looks at the farmer who's selling the cow, then reaches under to try again.
He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again.
Milk does come out however, so after some discussion with the cow's current owner, Ole decides to buy the cow.
When he gets back to Minnesota , he calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says,
'Hey, Sven, come and look at dis ere new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens.'
Sven reaches under, pulls the teat...the cow farts.
Sven looks at Ole and says, You bought dis here cow over in Nordakota, didn't yah?'
Ole is very surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his trip.
Ole replies, 'Yah, dats right. But how did yah know?'
Sven says, 'My wife is from Nordakota.' :eek: :eek:
 
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.




He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.



Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.




When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.




'The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'




Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry.... How soon can I go home?'
 
Not sure this is the proper forum for this

For those that don't know about history .. Here is a condensed version:

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter..

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals, and
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided. Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals.. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get something for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history:

It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to tick them off.


And there you have it. Let your next action reveal your true self.
 
I'm laughing hysterically ergo I must be a conservative! :D BUT sometimes I'm a personal injury attorney, SO I am in reality a paradox whose front trunk doesn't recoginize his jackass hind quarters!
 
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The worlds shortest books

____________________________________________

THINGS I DID TO DESERVE THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE

by Barack Obama

____________________________________________

OTHER BLACK PEOPLE I'VE MET WHILE YACHTING

by Tiger Woods

______________________________________________

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY

by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan.
Illustrated by Michael Moore

________________________________________

MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS &
HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA

by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton

_______________________________________

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL

by Hillary Clinton

________________________________

Sequel:
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
By Bill Clinton

___________________________________

MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
by Osama Bin Laden

___________________________________

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates

____________________________________

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
by Dennis Rodman
_________________________________

THINGS WE KNOW TO BE TRUE
by Al Gore & John Kerry
_____________________________________

AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC

___________________________________

A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
by Dr. J.. Kevorkian

__________________________________


TO ALL THE MEN WE HAVE LOVED, BEFORE .......
by Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnel

____________________________________

GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
by Mike Tyson
__________________________________

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
_______________________________________

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
by O. J. Simpson
_________________________________________

HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE SAFELY
by Ted Kennedy

___________________________________

MY BOOK OF MORALS
by Bill Clinton with introduction
by the Rev. Jesse Jackson

___________________________________


********AND, JUST ADDED:


THE COMPLETE GUIDE TO COMMON SENSE

By Nancy Pelosi



THE WARS WE WON

FRANCE
 
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Rye bread

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87,
> were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.
>
> The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and
> wasn't even short of breath.
>
> The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and
> asked him what he did to have so much energy.
>
> The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread
> every day. It keeps your energy level high and
> you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
>
> So, on the way home, 80 year old stops at the
> bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he
> needed any help.
>
> He said "Do you have any Rye
> bread?"
>
> She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf
> of it. Would you like some?"
>
> He said, "I want 5 loaves."
>
>
> She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves ..... by
> the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be
> hard."
>
> He replied, "I can't believe it,
> everybody knows about this shit but me."
 
THE HUSBAND STORE - I like this 1

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!





So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:



Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs





She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:



Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.



'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'


So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.



'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:



Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.



'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong
Romantic Streak.





She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to
this floor. There are no men on this floor... This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. (scroll and keep reading!)







PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street with six floors also.



The first floor has wives that love sex.





T he second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.





The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited. :D :D :D
 
Finally together

Judy and Ted got married and had 13 children.

Then Ted died of Heart Disease.
She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children.
Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.
Again Judy remarried, and this time
She & John had 5 more children.
Judy finally died, after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.
He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
"Lord, they are finally together."
Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:

"Margaret, do you think he means her 1st, 2nd, or 3rd husband?"
Margaret replied: "I think he means her legs, Ethel..." :eek:
 
And this is how it is!!

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it..'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.




There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.
 
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