Joke of the week

What retired couples do

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.
We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'



He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So my wife called him a shit-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus and the car had an Obama sticker. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
:D:eek::eek:
 
DEATH OF THE OLD COW

Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, the car hits it full on, and the car comes to a stop.

Nancy , in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur, "You get out and check--you were driving."

So the chauffeur gets out, checks, and reports that the animal is dead but it was old.

"You were driving, so you go and tell the farmer," says Nancy .

Two hours later the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face.

"My God, what happened to you?" asks Nancy .

The chauffeur replies, "When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me."

"What on earth did you say?" asks Nancy .

"I just knocked on the door and when it opened I said to them, "I'm Nancy Pelosi's chauffeur, and I've just killed the old cow."
 
MikeyW you are so bad. ;) Watermelons in the W/H refrig! :eek: Is that politically correct to do that? :D:p BTW Your appearance has changed drastically since the last time I saw you as represented by the pic attached to your post. :D
 
Is that politically correct to do that? Dave you must be crazy - I am suposed to be politically correct when he have a muslim in the white house of our CHRISTIAN NATION. I am checking into sending you back to summer school for LAW.
 
Actually I think I'm being schooled by you right now. :D BTW I'm not responding to your obviously rhetorical question cause we all know the answer to that one. :D
 
The wedding ring

The Wedding Ring

A man went to the hospital in Cooktown, Queensland to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis.

According to the nurse attending the operation, the patient's girlfriend found the
ring in his pants pocket.


She didn't know he was married and she was so mad she used petroleum jelly to
slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.


I don't know what's worse:
1) Having your girl friend find out you're married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.
OR...
3) Finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.


Tough call. You decide. :eek:
 
what could go wrong

Let me get this straight.

We're going to pass a health care plan,
written by a committee whose head says he doesn't understand it,
passed by a Congress that hasn't read it, but exempts themselves from it,
signed by a president that also hasn't read it, and who smokes,
with funding administered by a treasury chief who didn't pay his taxes,
overseen by a surgeon general who is obese, and
financed by a country that's nearly broke.

What possibly could go wrong? :eek:
 
The two mexicans

Jose and Carlos are both beggars. They beg in different parts of town.

Carlos begs for the same amount of time as Jose, but only collects about eight or nine dollars a day.

Jose brings home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills every day. He drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house, and has a lot of money to spend.

"Hey, amigo," Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long and hard as you do, so how come you bring home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills every day?

Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?"

Carlo's sign reads;
"I have no work, a wife and six kids to support."

"What's wrong with that?" Carlos asks him.

"No wonder you only get eight or nine dollars a day!"

Carlo's says, "Alright, what does your sign say?"

It reads, "I only need ten more dollars to get back to Mexico :D
 
The test

The One (1) Question Test

This test only has one question, but it's a very
important one.

By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you
stand morally.
The test features an unlikely, completely fictional
situation in which you will have to make a
decision.
Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet
spontaneous.

THE SITUATION:

You are in Florida , Miami to be
specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a
hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of
biblical proportions. You are a photojournalist
working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in
the middle of this epic disaster.
The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to
shoot career-making photos.
There are houses and people swirling around you, some
disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing
all of its destructive fury.

THE TEST:

Suddenly you see a man and a woman in the water. They are
fighting for their lives, trying not to be taken down
with the debris. You move closer. Somehow they look familiar.

You suddenly realize who they are. It's Barack Obama and Nancy
Pelosi!! At the same time you notice that the raging
waters are about to take them under forever.

You have two options: You can save their lives or you can
shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize-winning photo,
documenting the deaths of two of the world's most powerful
people.


Here's the question, and please give an honest answer....

Would you select High Contrast Color film, or would you go
with the classic simplicity of Black and White? :eek: :eek:
 
Karl you ok

Body
Found
Today the police found an unidentified man's body in a park nearby. They describe him as having a beer belly, saggy testicles, wrinkly butt and a small pecker.







You Okay? :eek:
 
Ok guys back to the jokes let they fly !!!

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls, But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer,lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome. Both
result in death. :eek:
 
New car preveiw

The New GM (Government Motors)

Proudly Introduces

The 2010 Obama

This car runs on hot air, bull-shit, and broken promises.

It has three wheels that speed the vehicle through tight left turns.

It comes complete with two Teleprompters, programmed to help the occupants talk their way out of any violations.

The transparent canopy reveals the plastic smiles still on the faces of all the happy owners.

Comes in S, M, L, XL and 2XL

It won't get you to work, but hey, there aren't any jobs anyway!!!
 
Deodorant

I got this new deodorant stick today.
The instructions said remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells awesome. :eek: :eek:




Cheers!!! All the Best
 
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