Joke of the week

Apple hit a home run on this 1

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts, and not listening to them.:o
 
mike w said:
Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts, and not listening to them.:o
Click to expand...

You're NUTS! :D And IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII Like it! :D
 
Careful beer scam warning

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman.


Many females use a date-rape-drug on the market called 'Beer' .
The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs.


Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.
A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.


Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.


After drinking Beer , men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that 'something bad' occurred.


At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship'. In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as 'marriage'.


Men are much more susceptible to this scam after

Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.
Please forward this warning to every male you know.
If you fall victim to this 'Beer' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.


For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Golf Courses' in the phone book.
:D:D
 
Test are you a Democrat, a Republican or a Redneck

Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Redneck?

Here is a little test that will help you decide.

The answer can be found by posing the following question:


#You're walking down a
deserted street with your wife
and
two small children.

Suddenly, an Islamic
Terrorist with a huge knife
comes
around the corner, locks eyes with you,
screams obscenities, praises
Allah, raises the
knife, and charges at you.

You are carrying a
Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.

You have mere seconds
before he reaches you and your family. What
do
you do?

.............................................................




THINK CAREFULLY AND
THEN SCROLL DOWN:










Democrat's
Answer :


Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does
the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that
would inspire
him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife
think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club
and knock
the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about
this situation?
Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind
of message
does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be
happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would
he be
content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold
on, could my
family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call
9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have
paint and weed day and
make this happier, healthier street that
would
discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to
debate this with
some friends for few days and try to come to a
consensus.

................................................................



Republican's
Answer:



BANG!


.



Redneck's Answer:


BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG !
Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG!
BANG! Click
Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those
the
Winchester
Silver Tips or Hollow Points?! '
Son: 'Can I shoot the next
one?!'
Wife: 'You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist
:eek::eek:
 
memo Christmas Party

Read all of the memos!!









Company Memo


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 1, 2009

RE: Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,

Patty

Company Memo


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 2, 2009

RE: Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Patty

Company Memo


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director


TO: All Employees

DATE: October 3, 2009

RE: Holiday Party


Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Company Memo


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To: All Employees

DATE: October 4, 2009

RE: Gene ric Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.

Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.

We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.

There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!


Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty

Company Memo


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All *%^ing Employees

DATE: October 5, 2009

RE: The*%^ing Holiday Party

I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

The rest of you *%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

The B*tch from H*ll!!!

Company Memo


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: October 6, 2009

RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

Joan
:eek:
 
Know what a gay terrorist looks like?

If you do, I'm worried about you, if not, see below:
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If you made it here, pervert, I am really worried about you.... It's Yomama Bin Shoppin :D
 
Wow Dave, I would expect strange things to be in your posts now with that comment
 
Alright. Who is the wise guy who edited my post without my knowledge, permission, acquiescence or authority? Care to fess up Tim?
 
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Free kittens

A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the sidewalk
in front of her home. Next to her was a basket containing a number tiny
creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing FREE KITTENS.

Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up beside her. Out of the
lead car stepped a tall, grinning man.

"Hi there, little girl, I'm President Obama. What do you have in the
basket?" he asked.

"Kittens", little Suzy said..

"How old are they?" asked Obama.

Suzy replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet."

"And what kind of kitties are they?"

"Democrats," answered Suzy with a smile.

Obama was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called
his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens.

Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two men agreed that the
president should return the next day, and, in front of the assembled
media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.

So the next day, Suzy was again standing on the sidewalk with her
basket of "FREE KITTENS" when another motorcade pulled up, this time
followed by vans from ABC, NBC, CBS and CNN.

Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Obama got
out of his limo and walked over to little Suzy.

"Hello, again," he said, "I'd love it if you would tell all my
friends out there what kind of kittens you're giving away."

"Yes sir," Suzy said. "They're Republicans."

Taken by surprise, the president stammered,
"But....but....yesterday, you told me they were DEMOCRATS."

Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know. But today, they have their
eyes open."
:D:D
 
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