Joke of the week

Global sex facts

INTERESTING FACTS ABOUT SEX:
Global Facts ... . .
At Any Given Moment:
FACT:
79,000,000 people are engaged in sex - right now.


FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 1 old timer is reading emails.

You hang in there, Buddy!!!!
 
Blonde ingenuity

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'
 
Glove manufacturing process

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was
nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his
gloves.

'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.

'No, I don't,' she replied.

'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank
of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry,
then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.'

She didn't crack a smile.

'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.

'What's so funny?' he asked.

'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'
 
Trick or Treat

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet..

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, 'What the heck is going on here?'

The drunk, still staring down at the bed sheets in amazement, replied: 'I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost.'
Happy Halloween
 
A little different then what i remember

Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.

********************

Mary had a little lamb.
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.


********************

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.


********************

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man,
'What have you got there?'
Said the pie man unto Simon,
'Pies, you dumb ass' !!


********************

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.


********************

Hey diddle, diddle, the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.


********************

Georgie Porgy pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.


********************

There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo,

and a sports car.






:D
 
Useful Military warnings ( taken from ffc.com)

"Aim towards the Enemy."
- Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
- U.S. Army

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
- U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
- Infantry Journal

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
- Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
- U.S. Air Force Manual

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
- Infantry Journal

"Tracers work both ways."
- U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five-second fuses only last three seconds."
- Infantry Journal

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
- Col. David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an ambush."
- Infantry Journal

"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."
- Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once."
- Anon

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
- Unknown Army Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
- Your Buddies

(And lastly) "If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him."
-- U.S.A. Ammo
 
The immigrant and the hooker

The Illegal Immigrant and the Hooker

An illegal immigrant picks up a hooker. "Hey, how much you charge
for da hour, sister?" he asks.

"$100," she replies.

In broken English he says "Do you do Immigrant Style?"

"No" she says.

"I pay you $200 to do Immigrant Style."

"No", she says, not knowing what Immigrant Style is.

"I pay you $300."

"No", she says.

"I pay you $400."

"No", she says.

So finally he says, "OK, I pay $1,000 to do Immigrant Style."

She thinks, "Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now and I've
had every kind of request from weirdoes from every part of the world,
how bad could Immigrant Style be?"

So she agrees and has sex with him, they do it in every kind of way
and in every possible position. Finally, after several hours, they
finish.

Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, "Hey, I was expecting
something perverted and disgusting, but that was good. So what
exactly is 'Immigrant Style?'

The illegal immigrant replies "You send bill to Government."

AND THAT, FOLKS,
IS HOW ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS ARE SCREWING US:D
 
Escaded convict

:DA man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.



While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain.....do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"



His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong. I love you, too.
 
This is a oldie the poor pirate

:DA pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, 'Hey, I haven't seen you in awhile.
What happened? You look terrible.'

'What do you mean?' said the pirate, 'I feel fine.'

Bartender, 'What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.'

Pirate, 'Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.'

Bartender, 'Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?'

Pirate, 'We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook.
I'm fine, really.'

Bartender 'What about that eye patch?'

Pirate, 'Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of sea-gulls flew over. I looked up,,, and one of them crapped in my eye.'

'You're kidding,' said the bartender, 'you lost an eye just from bird crap?'

Pirate, 'It was my first day with the hook.'
 
Why are wedding dresses white

:D
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why are wedding dresses white?

IT MUST HAVE BEEN A VERY BRAVE MAN WHO WROTE THIS!!!!!!

IT'S AN EVEN BRAVER ONE WHO FORWARDS IT !!!!!!!

Son asked his mother the following question:

'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies,

'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'

The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.

'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'

The father looks at his son in surprise and says,

'Son, all household appliances come in white.'
 
Warning !!! Idiot sightings

:DIDIOT SIGHTING:
We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not.. Four is larger than two..."

We haven't used Sears repair since.



IDIOT SIGHTING:

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, "You gave me too much money." I said, "Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back." She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said "We're sorry but we cannot do that kind of thing." The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change..

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.



IDIOT SIGHTING:

I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.



IDIOT SIGHTING:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

Happened in Birmingham , Ala.



IDIOT SIGHTING:

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"

She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS

IDIOT SIGHTING:

We were having a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker, as she was leaving the company due to 'downsizing.' Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office, no less.



IDIOT SIGHTING:

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" His reply, "I know. I already got that side. This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , MS ..



IDIOT SIGHTING:

When I left Hawaii and was transferred to Florida , I still had the Hawaiian plates on my car, as my car was shipped from Hawaii . I was parking somewhere (I can't remember) and a guy asked me "Wow, you drove from Hawaii to here?" I looked at him and quickly said "Yep. I took the Hawaii/San Francisco Bridge". He nodded his head and said "Cool!"


STAY ALERT! They walk among us...they VOTE and they REPRODUCE...........
 
O boy larry is in the hospital

LARRY is in Room 232 at the hospital.

Okay, you are asking - who in the hell is 'Larry'?

Larry gets home late one night and, Linda, his wife says,'Where in the hell have you been?'

Larry replies, 'I was out getting a tattoo.'

'A tattoo?' she frowned. 'What kind of tattoo did you get?'

'I got a hundred dollar bill tattooed on my privates,' he said proudly.

'What the hell were you thinking?' she said, shaking her head in
disgust. 'Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?'

'Well for one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.'

Larry is recovering in room 232 at the Hospital.
:D
 
Bad day at hallmark

:DMy tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.

Sorry!







~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...

She moved in with me.





~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Looking back over the years

that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...

'What the hell was I thinking?'







~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband.





~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby?





~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,

someone to love.

After having met you ..

I've changed my mind.





-------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------------

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.





//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

That you're not here to ruin it for me.





####################################################

Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.





********************************************************************************

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee , Kentucky & West Virginia )





~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!





~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise.





//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

We have been friends for a very long time .

let's say we stop?





+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I'm so miserable without you

it's almost like you're here.





=====================================================

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?





%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Your friends and I wanted to do

something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.





))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,

it's really good pay
 
From surgeon in california

:DSurgeon in California


This guy is amazing! Below is his story!

Dr. Timothy McCarthy, while receiving a medical award for creativity, reported his findings to the Fellows of Plastic Surgery, concluding with this case study: "Several years ago a woman was high on cocaine and marijuana and she rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the woman's hair and the horse's ass. I was able to put them together and now she's Speaker of the House.
 
The awesome power of a wife's love

A very old man lay dying in his bed.



In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.


He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed.



Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.


With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.


There, spread out up on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.



Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?


Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table.



The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.


"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral.”



:D:D;)
 
Grandpa & the IRS

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.
>>>
>>>The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
>>>
>>>The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
>>>
>>>I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
>>>
>>>The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
>>>
>>>Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
>>>
>>>The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
>>>
>>>Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
>>>
>>>Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
>>>
>>>Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
>>>
>>>Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye..
>>>
>>>The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
>>>
>>>'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
>>>
>>>The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
>>>
>>>Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
>>>
>>>The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
>>>
>>>But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
>>>
>>>'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
>>>
>>>'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
>>>
>>>Don't Mess with Old People!!
 
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