Matthew 10:16
Member # 003
OMG That thar's funny I don't care who you are. 
Joke of the week
- Thread starter mike w
- Start date
- Thread starter
- #142
Today is International Disturbed People's Day
Today is International Disturbed People's Day
Please send an encouraging message to a disturbed friend.... just as I've done.
I don't care if you lick windows,
take the special bus
or occasionally wet on yourself..
You hang in there sunshine, you're special
Every sixty seconds you spend angry, upset or mad, is a full minute of happiness you'll never get back.
Today's Message of the Day is:
Life is short,
Break the rules,
Forgive quickly,
Kiss slowly,
Love truly,
Laugh uncontrollably,
And never regret anything that made you smile.
Send to all the people you love and don't want to lose in 2009.
Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we're here we should dance.
Today is International Disturbed People's Day Please send an encouraging message to a disturbed friend.... just as I've done.
I don't care if you lick windows,
take the special bus
or occasionally wet on yourself..
You hang in there sunshine, you're special
Every sixty seconds you spend angry, upset or mad, is a full minute of happiness you'll never get back.
Today's Message of the Day is:
Life is short,
Break the rules,
Forgive quickly,
Kiss slowly,
Love truly,
Laugh uncontrollably,
And never regret anything that made you smile.
Send to all the people you love and don't want to lose in 2009.
Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we're here we should dance.
Matthew 10:16
Member # 003
OMG You're doing it again. Cracking me up. BTW Was that post directed at anyone in particular? Like me? Well uh I resent that! Nuck/Nuck/Nuck
BTW Was that post directed at anyone in particular? Like me? Well uh I resent that! Nuck/Nuck/Nuck - Thread starter
- #144
dave you didn't ride the short bus to school did ya
- Thread starter
- #145
Can't please everybody
An old
man, a boy & a donkey were going to town.
The boy
rode on the donkey & the old man walked.
As they
went along they passed some people
who
remarked it was a shame the old man
was
walking and the boy was riding.
The
man and boy thought maybe the critics were right,
so they
changed positions.
Then,
later, they passed some people who remarked,
'What a
shame, he makes that little boy walk.'
So
they then decided they'd both walk!
Soon they
passed some more people who thought
they were
stupid to walk when they had a
decent
donkey to ride.
So, they
both rode the donkey.
Now
they passed some people
who
shamed them by saying how awful to
put such
a load on a poor donkey.
The
boy and man figured they were probably right,
so they
decide to carry the donkey.
As they
crossed the bridge,
they lost
their grip on the animal
and he
fell into the river and drowned.
The
moral of the story?
If you try to please everyone,
you
might as well...
Kiss your
ass goodbye!
Have A
Nice Day And
Be Happy
An old
man, a boy & a donkey were going to town.
The boy
rode on the donkey & the old man walked.
As they
went along they passed some people
who
remarked it was a shame the old man
was
walking and the boy was riding.
The
man and boy thought maybe the critics were right,
so they
changed positions.
Then,
later, they passed some people who remarked,
'What a
shame, he makes that little boy walk.'
So
they then decided they'd both walk!
Soon they
passed some more people who thought
they were
stupid to walk when they had a
decent
donkey to ride.
So, they
both rode the donkey.
Now
they passed some people
who
shamed them by saying how awful to
put such
a load on a poor donkey.
The
boy and man figured they were probably right,
so they
decide to carry the donkey.
As they
crossed the bridge,
they lost
their grip on the animal
and he
fell into the river and drowned.
The
moral of the story?
If you try to please everyone,
you
might as well...
Kiss your
ass goodbye!
Have A
Nice Day And
Be Happy
What do you get when you cross PMS with GPS?
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A crazy bitch that will find you!
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A crazy bitch that will find you!
A Snake
Member #024
Over qualified job applicant
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job.
The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this: "Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter of fact, I have!
"I've been divorced three times, owned 2 Chryslers, and I voted for Obama.
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job.
The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this: "Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter of fact, I have!
"I've been divorced three times, owned 2 Chryslers, and I voted for Obama.
- Thread starter
- #148
24 hours to live
Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live. Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.
Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.
About 6 hours later, Morris goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?"
Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.
Later, as Morris gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey, please ... just one more time before I die."
She says, "Of course, Dear;" and they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.
Morris, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses.
"Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could ..."
At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Morris, enough is enough! I have to get up in the morning
... you don't."
Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live. Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.
Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.
About 6 hours later, Morris goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?"
Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.
Later, as Morris gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey, please ... just one more time before I die."
She says, "Of course, Dear;" and they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.
Morris, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses.
"Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could ..."
At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Morris, enough is enough! I have to get up in the morning
... you don't."
W
Winners Circle 1
Guest
The best joke of the year,,,FURD Performance 
now thats funny i don't care who you are, thats funny
now thats funny i don't care who you are, thats funny
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- #150
Furd perfomance will have 2 new nhra prostock cars in 2010 cunningham racing - larry morgan. larry piloting 1 and erica enders the other - lets see how funny furd performance is next year - O 1 more note cosworth did cylinderheads larry morgan doing blocks and I believe 1 car is a r.j. car and other is a ness - maybe wrong on 1 of the cars
Do you know what you would be having for dinner tomorrow if the Pilgrims would have had Donkey instead of Turkey?
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A piece of Ass!
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A piece of Ass!
Ya'll do know where pumpkin pie comes from, right?
- Thread starter
- #153
TWELVE PRIESTS being ordained
Twelve priests were about to be ordained.
>The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally
>nude, in a garden while a sexy, big breasted, nude model danced before
>them.
>
>Each priest had a bell attached to his willy and they were told
>that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them, would not be
>ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
>The model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She
>proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests
>until she got to the final priest, Carlos.
>As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and
>fell clattering to the ground.
>Embarrassed, Carlos took a few steps forward and bent to pick it up.
>
>Then all the other bells started ringing .
Twelve priests were about to be ordained.>The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally
>nude, in a garden while a sexy, big breasted, nude model danced before
>them.
>
>Each priest had a bell attached to his willy and they were told
>that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them, would not be
>ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
>The model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She
>proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests
>until she got to the final priest, Carlos.
>As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and
>fell clattering to the ground.
>Embarrassed, Carlos took a few steps forward and bent to pick it up.
>
>Then all the other bells started ringing .
- Thread starter
- #154
POETRY CONTEST and the REDNECK
The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Southeast Alabama A&M.
The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu".
The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination-Timbuktu.
The audience went wild!!! How, they wondered, could the redneck top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:
Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They was three, we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu.
The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Southeast Alabama A&M. The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu".
The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination-Timbuktu.
The audience went wild!!! How, they wondered, could the redneck top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:
Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They was three, we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu.
- Thread starter
- #155
The vibrating husband
As the woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a
> > strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed
> > her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator.
> >
> > Shocked, she asked, "What in the world are you doing?"
> >
> > The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this
> > thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and
> > leave me alone."
> >
> > The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other
> > side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his
> > daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
> >
> > To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, "Dad, I'm
> > thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll
> > ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."
> >
> > A couple days later, the wife came home from shopping trip, placed the
> > groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming
> > from, of all places, the family room. She entered that area and observed
> > her husband sitting on the couch, staring at the TV. The vibrator was next
> > to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.
> >
> > The wife asked, "What the hell are you doing?"
> >
> > The husband replied, "I'm watching the ball game with my son-in-law."
> >
As the woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a
> > strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed
> > her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator.
> >
> > Shocked, she asked, "What in the world are you doing?"
> >
> > The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this
> > thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and
> > leave me alone."
> >
> > The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other
> > side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his
> > daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
> >
> > To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, "Dad, I'm
> > thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll
> > ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."
> >
> > A couple days later, the wife came home from shopping trip, placed the
> > groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming
> > from, of all places, the family room. She entered that area and observed
> > her husband sitting on the couch, staring at the TV. The vibrator was next
> > to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.
> >
> > The wife asked, "What the hell are you doing?"
> >
> > The husband replied, "I'm watching the ball game with my son-in-law."
> >
- Thread starter
- #156
GEORGE W and russian pres PUTIN
Russian President Putin called President George W. Bush with an
emergency. "Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the Russian
President cried. "It's my people's favorite form of birth control.
This is a true disaster!"
"Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within
their power to help you," replied the President.
"I do need your help" said Putin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000
condoms ASAP to tide us over?"
"Why certainly! I'll get right on it," said Bush.
"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Putin.
"Yes?"
"Could the condoms be red in color and at least 8" long and 3" in
diameter?" said Putin.
"No problem," replied the President.
Mr. Putin hung up and started laughing with his aides about how
those stupid Americans will fall for anything.
George hung up and called the President of a condom company. "I need
a favor, you've got to send 1,000,000 condoms right away over to
Russia."
"Consider it done," said the president of the condom company.
"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 8" long and 3"
wide."
"Easily done. Anything else?"
"Yeah," said the President, "print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE SMALL' on
each one!"
Russian President Putin called President George W. Bush with an
emergency. "Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the Russian
President cried. "It's my people's favorite form of birth control.
This is a true disaster!"
"Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within
their power to help you," replied the President.
"I do need your help" said Putin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000
condoms ASAP to tide us over?"
"Why certainly! I'll get right on it," said Bush.
"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Putin.
"Yes?"
"Could the condoms be red in color and at least 8" long and 3" in
diameter?" said Putin.
"No problem," replied the President.
Mr. Putin hung up and started laughing with his aides about how
those stupid Americans will fall for anything.
George hung up and called the President of a condom company. "I need
a favor, you've got to send 1,000,000 condoms right away over to
Russia."
"Consider it done," said the president of the condom company.
"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 8" long and 3"
wide."
"Easily done. Anything else?"
"Yeah," said the President, "print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE SMALL' on
each one!"
- Thread starter
- #157
Another blonde joke
Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation.
Apparently someone slipped something into their drinks, and they woke up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, 'I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the Almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.' They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words... 'I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.' They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.
The last one, a blonde,(you knew it), is strapped in and says, 'Well, I'm from the University of Tennessee and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya' right now, y'all ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in...
Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation.
Apparently someone slipped something into their drinks, and they woke up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, 'I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the Almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.' They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words... 'I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.' They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.
The last one, a blonde,(you knew it), is strapped in and says, 'Well, I'm from the University of Tennessee and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya' right now, y'all ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in...
- Thread starter
- #158
What's your occupation
A blonde walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What's your occupation?"
"I'm a Lady of the night," she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".
"No, that still won't work. Try again."
They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."
"Chicken Farmer it is."
A blonde walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What's your occupation?"
"I'm a Lady of the night," she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".
"No, that still won't work. Try again."
They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."
"Chicken Farmer it is."
Top Ten Reasons Men Prefer Guns Over Women
# 10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22. (or two)
# 9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
# 8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
# 7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
# 6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
# 5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
# 4. Guns function normally every day of the month.
# 3. A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
# 2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman
# 1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN
# 10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22. (or two)
# 9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
# 8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
# 7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
# 6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
# 5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
# 4. Guns function normally every day of the month.
# 3. A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
# 2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman
# 1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN
- Thread starter
- #160
Yep they have already started
Apparently, the only person who can beat Tiger Woods with a golf club is his wife
What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards
Tiger Woods wasn't seriously injured in the crash, but he's still below par
What was Tiger Woods doing out at 2.30 in the morning? He'd gone clubbing
Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn’t decide between a wood and an iron
Perhaps Tiger should be using a driver?
This is the first time Tiger’s ever failed to drive 300 yards
Apparently, Tiger admitted this crash was the closest shave he’s ever had. So Gillette has dropped his contract.
Tiger Woods wasn't seriously injured in the crash. He's still below par though
Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.
Apparently, the only person who can beat Tiger Woods with a golf club is his wife
What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards
Tiger Woods wasn't seriously injured in the crash, but he's still below par
What was Tiger Woods doing out at 2.30 in the morning? He'd gone clubbing
Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn’t decide between a wood and an iron
Perhaps Tiger should be using a driver?
This is the first time Tiger’s ever failed to drive 300 yards
Apparently, Tiger admitted this crash was the closest shave he’s ever had. So Gillette has dropped his contract.
Tiger Woods wasn't seriously injured in the crash. He's still below par though
Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.