- Thread starter
- #41
The Great Escape
Sometimes it pays to let the other person speak first
http://www.imdb.com/video/wab/vi2435187481
Sometimes it pays to let the other person speak first
http://www.imdb.com/video/wab/vi2435187481
Joke of the week
- Thread starter mike w
- Start date
- Thread starter
- #42
Two Cowboys
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
The gay guy proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally the ranch hand returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her."Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling,he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
(P.S. - I didn't see it coming, either)
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
The gay guy proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally the ranch hand returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her."Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling,he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
(P.S. - I didn't see it coming, either)
- Thread starter
- #43
New arrivals in Heaven
All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.
The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one.
"I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed.
She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry
and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was
into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the
balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him.
At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and
died. The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.
The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."
The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the next room.
He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the fellow in here just before you."
"I don't know" replies the man, "picture this, I'm buck naked hiding in this cedar chest....."
All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.
The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one.
"I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed.
She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry
and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was
into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the
balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him.
At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and
died. The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.
The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."
The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the next room.
He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the fellow in here just before you."
"I don't know" replies the man, "picture this, I'm buck naked hiding in this cedar chest....."
- Thread starter
- #44
Thoughts for Today
. Birds of a feather flock together . . . .and then shit on your car.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble..
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs...'
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth . . .. . . . . AMEN!
. Birds of a feather flock together . . . .and then shit on your car.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble..
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs...'
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth . . .. . . . . AMEN!
- Thread starter
- #45
The RECTUM STRETCHER
While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a
bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing
smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?" To which she
replied, "I'm late for work." Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded. The cop stammered, "A what? A
rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?" Well," she
said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers,
then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side
until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it,
until it's about 6 feet wide." "And just what the hell do you do with a 6
foot asshole?" he asked. "You give him a radar gun and park him behi nd a
bridge..."
Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs $45.00
Look on the Cop's Face............... PRICELESS
While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a
bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing
smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?" To which she
replied, "I'm late for work." Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded. The cop stammered, "A what? A
rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?" Well," she
said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers,
then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side
until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it,
until it's about 6 feet wide." "And just what the hell do you do with a 6
foot asshole?" he asked. "You give him a radar gun and park him behi nd a
bridge..."
Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs $45.00
Look on the Cop's Face............... PRICELESS
I wouldn't suggest doing this with a loaded weapon, but hopefully she learned a lesson 
http://www.killsometime.com/videos/6949/Firecracker-Revenge-On-Wife
http://www.killsometime.com/videos/6949/Firecracker-Revenge-On-Wife
Gun protection - I don't know if it's actually true or not.
At the Goochland Country Republican Women's meeting Tuesday, the topic was Virginia’s concealed weapon carry law. One of the speakers related the following story: On the way to the previous monthly meeting a elderly lady was stopped by a Virginia highway patrolman. He ask for her drivers license and insurance. The lady took out the required information and handed it to the patrolman. In with the cards he was surprised to see she had a conceal-carry permit. He looked at her and ask if she had a weapon in her possession at this time. She responded that she indeed had ..45 automatic in her glove box. Something, body language or the way she said it made him want to ask if she had any other firearms. She did admit to also having a 9mm Glock in her center console. Now he had to ask one more time if that was all, she responded once again she did have just one more, a .38 special in her purse. The officer then ask her what was she so afraid of? She looked him right in the eye and said, "Not a damn thing!"
At the Goochland Country Republican Women's meeting Tuesday, the topic was Virginia’s concealed weapon carry law. One of the speakers related the following story: On the way to the previous monthly meeting a elderly lady was stopped by a Virginia highway patrolman. He ask for her drivers license and insurance. The lady took out the required information and handed it to the patrolman. In with the cards he was surprised to see she had a conceal-carry permit. He looked at her and ask if she had a weapon in her possession at this time. She responded that she indeed had ..45 automatic in her glove box. Something, body language or the way she said it made him want to ask if she had any other firearms. She did admit to also having a 9mm Glock in her center console. Now he had to ask one more time if that was all, she responded once again she did have just one more, a .38 special in her purse. The officer then ask her what was she so afraid of? She looked him right in the eye and said, "Not a damn thing!"
BE CAREFUL OUT THERE!
Clever Scam . . . warn your friends!!
This is very serious stuff!
Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven’t heard about it. This will only become more commonplace as the holidays get closer. This is a “heads up” for those men who may be regular Lowe’s, Home Depot,
Wal-Mart, Target, or Sam’s Club customers. This one caught me by surprise.
Over the last couple weeks I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get some simple Christmas gifts has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don’t be naive enough to think it couldn’t happen to you or your friends.
Here’s how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 20-something girls come over to your car dressed as Santa’s Helpers as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start helping you pack your stuff into your vehicle. What catches your eye is the very short bright Red Santa helper miniskirts they are wearing and the tight fitting Deep “V” neck red top shirt with their breasts almost falling out.
It is impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say “No” and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds to get some hot cocoa and a snack.
You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen Nov 24th, 26th, 28th, 29th, 30th, twice on Dec.1st, 2nd and 3rd, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful!! What a horrible way to take advantage of men during this holiday season. Warn your friends to be vigilant. These girls will not give up; they have proven it over and over again with me.
(By the way, Target has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found cheaper ones at Wal-Mart for $1.99 and bought them out. Also, you will never get to eat at McDonald’s. I’ve already lost 14 pounds just running back and forth to Lowe’s, Home Depot, Sam’s Club, Wal-Mart, and Target.)
So please, send this along to all the older men that you know, and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam.
PS: (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the
afternoon.)
Clever Scam . . . warn your friends!!
This is very serious stuff!
Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven’t heard about it. This will only become more commonplace as the holidays get closer. This is a “heads up” for those men who may be regular Lowe’s, Home Depot,
Wal-Mart, Target, or Sam’s Club customers. This one caught me by surprise.
Over the last couple weeks I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get some simple Christmas gifts has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don’t be naive enough to think it couldn’t happen to you or your friends.
Here’s how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 20-something girls come over to your car dressed as Santa’s Helpers as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start helping you pack your stuff into your vehicle. What catches your eye is the very short bright Red Santa helper miniskirts they are wearing and the tight fitting Deep “V” neck red top shirt with their breasts almost falling out.
It is impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say “No” and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds to get some hot cocoa and a snack.
You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen Nov 24th, 26th, 28th, 29th, 30th, twice on Dec.1st, 2nd and 3rd, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful!! What a horrible way to take advantage of men during this holiday season. Warn your friends to be vigilant. These girls will not give up; they have proven it over and over again with me.
(By the way, Target has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found cheaper ones at Wal-Mart for $1.99 and bought them out. Also, you will never get to eat at McDonald’s. I’ve already lost 14 pounds just running back and forth to Lowe’s, Home Depot, Sam’s Club, Wal-Mart, and Target.)
So please, send this along to all the older men that you know, and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam.
PS: (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the
afternoon.)