Joke of the week

Little Johny is at it again.

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success." "Very good," said the teacher.

Little Mary was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events. " "Very good, Mary" said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath... Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"


"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny. "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample." They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog crap!" Then I would say,"It is dog crap. Wanna' buy a toothbrush?" "I used the Obama approach of giving you something shitty for free, and then making you pay to get the taste out of your mouth."
 
Super deal on Cobra

A 50 something man told his wife he had to go on a business trip for an extended period of time. The wife knew damn well he was in Barbados with his 20 something secretary,
He e-mailed his wife and told her to sell the Cobra and wire the proceeds to him. She immediatly post the car for sale on Craiglist. Ad read as Follows: Super Chick Magnet for sale. 1965 Shelby AC Cobra..Very fast. First $500 cash takes it.
 
A womens poem

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand.
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.


A MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
big tits who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
 
Help spread the stupidity

Only in America ...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.







Only in America ...do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.





Only in America ...do banks leave vault doors open and then chain ballpens to the counters.





Only in America ......do we leave cars worth many thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.





Only in America ...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.






Only in America ...do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.






EVER WONDER ....

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?





Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?





Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?






Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?





Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?






Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?





Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?





Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?





Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?





Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?






Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?





You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!





Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?






Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?







I like this one!!!
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?





If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?






Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)...in other words, send it to everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while.
Spread the Stupidity!
 
Have you ever Danced

An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat.

He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"


The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance. I never really wanted to."


A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and he started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing and was fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.


The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun and cocked both hammers.


The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately.


The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... But... I've always wanted to."
 
Redneck lent

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.

But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic. And since it was Lent,
they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic.

After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass...and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic".

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.

The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: "You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish".
 
On FFcars today :D

How many men does it take to open a beer?



None.... It should be opened when she brings it.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?



Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?



It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows
Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-----------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something
smart?



When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....'
-----------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?



You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
----------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?



The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-- --------------------------------------------------------





Why do men die before their wives?



They want to.
------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until
they can walk down the street with a bald head
And a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
 
Why my friend got divorced

A friend of mine recently got a divorce and when I asked her why, here's what she said........




Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well

waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast

hoping my husband would be pleasant and say,

'Happy Birthday!',

and possibly have a small present for me.



As it turned out,

he barely said good morning,

let alone ' Happy Birthday.'



I thought....



Well, that's marriage for you,

but my son.... he will remember.



My son came bounding downstairs to breakfast

and didn't say a word..

So when I left for the office,

I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.



As I walked into my office,

my handsome Boss Rick, said,

'Good Morning, lady,

and by the way

Happy Birthday! '

It felt a little better

that at least someone had remembered.



I worked until one o'clock ,

when Rick knocked on my door

and said, 'You know,

It's such a beautiful day outside,

and it is your Birthday,

what do you say we go out to lunch,

just you and me..'

I said, 'Thanks, Rick,

that's the greatest thing

I've heard all day. Let's go!'



We went to lunch.

But we didn't go where we normally would go.

He chose instead a quiet bistro

with a private table.

We had two martinis each

and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.



On the way back to the office,

Rick said, 'You know,

It's such a beautiful day...

We don't need to go straight back to the office,

Do We?'



I responded, 'I guess not.

What do you have in mind?'

He said, 'Let's drop by my place,

it's just around the corner.'



After arriving at his house,

Rick turned to me and said,

If you don't mind,

I'm going to step into the bedroom

for just a moment.

I'll be right back.'

'Ok.' I nervously replied.



He went into the bedroom and,

after a couple of minutes,

he came out

carrying a huge birthday cake ...

Followed by my husband

my son, and dozens of my friends

and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.



And I just sat there....



On the couch....



Naked
 
Tiger Golf

Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes."
Turns out it's about golf.

Absolute waste of money.

Pass this on so others don't get scammed.

Best Regards,
Charlie Sheen
 
Jewish Divorce

A Jewish woman says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Norm! All he wants is anal sex,
and my rectum is now the size of a 50 cent piece when it used to be about the size of a nickel."

Her mother says, "You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion,

you drive a Ferrari, you get $2,000 a week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away over 45 cents?"
 
What do I do with the Bill

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital he was taken to. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clip board loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.

"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

He replied, "No money in the bank."

"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
 
Dear Abby Please Help !!!

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.



Anyway, last night about midnight I hid in the garage behind and underneath my race car.



When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.



It was at that moment, crouched down under the race car, I noticed a hairline crack in the 4 link mounting bracket on the rear end.



NOW I am at wits end...



Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?



Thanks!!!!
 
Now there is a guy who knows how to prioritize.........glad he found it, it could have caused some serious damage and someone could have been injured.
 
Poor Bubba

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly...

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.


The three men had always done everything together.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad.. You better roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Bubba.'


The mortician thought this was rather strange.
So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.

Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up...Roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Bubba.'


The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

Gomer said, 'Well, Bubba had two assholes.'

'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.
'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:

'There's Bubba with them two assholes.


Hope this don't hit close to home. :eek:
 
Two Old Drunks

Two old drunks are sitting in a bar when the first one says, "Ya know, when
I was thirty and got an erection, I couldn't bend it, even using both hands!

By the time I was forty, I could bend it about ten degrees if I tried really
hard.

By the time I was fifty, I could bend it about forty five degrees, no
problem.

I'm gonna be sixty next week, and now I can bend it in half with just one
hand."

"So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?"


"Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get."

:eek:
 
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