Joke of the week

GOLFER goes to the DENTIST

A man and his wife walked into a Dentist's office.

The man said to the dentist, 'Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry.

I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, just pull the tooth, and be done with it.
We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already...I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!'

The dentist thought to himself, 'Wow, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain.'

So the dentist asks him, 'which tooth is it, sir?'

The man turned to his wife and said,
'Open your mouth Honey, and show him.....'
 
A man is watching a game of golf on TV

A man is watching a game of golf on TV. But he keeps switching channels to a dirty movie featuring a lusty couple having raucous sex.
"I don't know whether to watch them or the game," he says to his wife.

"For Heaven's sake, watch them," his wife says.

"You already know how to play golf!"
 
Best of 2010

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.

While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next, Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply.

The devil smiles and replies: "Since Obama took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."
 
Clean Hair

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady
at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks:
"What's sexually threatening about a co-worker
telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Keith. The midget."
 
Subject: Vasectomies

careful a little off color



Two men are in the doctor's office waiting to get vasectomies.

A nurse comes in and asks the men to strip and put on their medical gowns while they wait for the doctor.

A few minutes later she comes back, reaches under one man's gown and begins to masturbate him.

Shocked, he asks, "What the hell are you doing?”

To which she replies, "We have to vacate the sperm from your system to have a clean procedure."

Not wanting to cause a problem, the man relaxes and enjoys it as she completes her task.

The second man watches all of this and by the time the nurse turns to him, he is quite ready for his turn.

To his surprise, she drops to her knees, opens her lips and begins to give him a blow job.

The first man, surprised too, asks, "Hey, what is this? Why is it that I get a hand job and he gets a blow job?"

The nurse says, "That, my dear sir is the difference between Obama care and private insurance."
 
Grandma Still Drives -- PRICELESS

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:


Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a
'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in
thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't
honked, I'd never have noticed..

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy,
and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of
God!'

'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! ;
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger
stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is
when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on
through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection
before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave
them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma
 
Long time White House head gardner fired

It has just been reported that the head gardener for The
White House, John Kyle, has been dismissed. He had
been employed in the landscaping department for 31 years and
had loyally served six US presidents.

When interviewed by CNBC, Mr. Kyle claimed that he
was innocent of any wrong-doing and said, "All I know
is that as I was walking past the Oval Office, I turned to
one of my assistants and asked, 'Has anyone seen the spade
and the hoe.' The next thing I knew I was fired."
 
Job opening Gynecologist's Assistant

A man laid off from work went into the Job Center in Downtown Denver and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested he went in and asked the clerk for details.



The clerk pulled up the file and read, "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down, and carefully wash their private regions then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair after which you must rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. The annual salary is $75,000, and you'll have to go to Billings, Montana."



"Good grief; is that where the job is?"



"No sir, that's where the end of the line is right now".
 
Homeless funeral

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave-side service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical
man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.


There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the
grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played "Amazing Grace" the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "Sweet Mother of Jesus, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for over twenty years."
 
Men are honest

A Must Read for Every Man and of course Woman (to understand man)

If a female is reading this article then just realize the value of a man;
and if its a male then feel proud of after reading it!

"One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river,
his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked,
"Why are you crying?"


The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the
axe to make his living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this
your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver Axe. "Is this your axe?"
the Lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron Axe. "Is this your axe?"
the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to
keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the
riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord
again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with ANGELINA JOLIE "Is this
your wife?" the Lord asked..

"Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding.
You see, if I had said 'no' to ANGELINA JOLIE , You would have come up with
CAMERON DIAZ . Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my
wife . Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am
a poor man, and am not able to take care
of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to ANGELINA JOLIE ."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and
honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.

That's our story, and we're sticking to it! - "WE ARE HONORABLE MEN!!!!!!"
 
mike w said:
WOW a attorney saying somebody else is full of s*** dave i think you made a mistake
Click to expand...

Uh I hate it when I have to agree with you Mikey, BUT in this case you're right AGAIN. Of course an attorney (especially me :D) is more full of s*** then you. Gee it's fun when I tell you you're full of s***. :D BTW The only thing worse than agreeing with you is when you blow by me & wave goodbye when I've got my foot in it. :p:rolleyes::eek:
 
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speaking of that my block for the new bullet is at the machine shop now - this will be a 408 - steel crank h beam rods and probe pistons - plus the stinkin high dollar main caps - much cheaper to build a cheby - but like i tell cheby owners you must have the best tools cause your always workin on them
 
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