Joke of the week

this is what they do. Computer geeks. I have lots of republician friends, we agree to disagree, some of them get crazy with the e-mails, Demorcrats don,t bombbard republicians with that trash. It is a one way street . Even when I politely ask them to stop, they keep it up, who do they think they are impressing?

I for one would like you to tell us all what he and his 2 boobs behind him ( nancy and biden ) have done to help this country, and I do remember all his promisses he made to the voters so he could get their vote, turned out to be 1 lie after another. But this was to be expected coming from one of the most if not the most corrupt state in the country. He did little to nothing for his state unless it was for chicago or springfield.
 
A Short Spelling Lesson.....


The last four letters in American.........I Can



The last four letters in Republican.......I Can


The last four letters in Democrats........Rats



End of Lesson for Today !
 
GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS...

Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a
lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now, the police had arrived.

Breathe here....

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

And that's when he shot her!
 
Gun Control
Barack Obama at a recent rural elementary school assembly in East Texas, asked the audience for total quiet.
Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.

Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.'

Then, little Richard Earl, with a proud East Texas drawl, pierced the quiet and said: ''Well, dumbass, stop clapping!
 
The New GM (Government Motors)

Proudly Introduces

The 2010 Obama

This car runs on hot air, bull-shit and broken promises.

It has three wheels that speed the vehicle through tight left turns.

It comes complete with two teleprompters programmed to help the occupants talk their way out of any violations.

The transparent canopy reveals the plastic smiles still on the faces of all the happy owners.

Comes in S, M, L, XL and 2XL

It won't get you to work, but hey, there aren't any jobs anyway!
 
Cowboy Poetry

Jake, the rancher, went one day
To fix a distant fence.
The wind was cold and gusty
And the clouds rolled gray and dense.

As he pounded the last staples in
And gathered tools to go,
The temperature had fallen,
The wind and snow began to blow.

When he finally reached his pickup,
He felt a heavy heart.
From the sound of that ignition
He knew it wouldn't start.

So Jake did what most of us
Would do if we had been there.
He humbly bowed his balding head
And sent aloft a prayer.

As he turned the key for the last time,
He softly cursed his luck
They found him three days later,
Frozen stiff in that old truck.

Now Jake had been around in life
And done his share of roaming.
But when he saw Heaven, he was shocked --
It looked just like Wyoming !

Of all the saints in Heaven,
His favorite was St. Peter.
So they sat and talked a minute or two,
Or maybe it was three.
Nobody was keeping' score --
In Heaven, time is free.

'I've always heard,' Jake said to Pete,
'that God will answer prayer,
But one time I asked for help,
Well, he just plain wasn't there.'

'Does God answer prayers of some,
And ignore the prayers of others?
That don't seem exactly square --
I know all men are brothers.'

'Or does he randomly reply,
Without good rhyme or reason?
Maybe, it's the time of day,
The weather or the season.'

'Now I ain't trying to act smart,
It's just the way I feel.
And I was wondering', could you tell me --
What the heck's the deal?!'

Peter listened very patiently
And when Jake was done,
There were smiles of recognition,
And he said, 'So, you're the one!!'

That day your truck, it wouldn't start,
And you sent your prayer a flying,
You gave us all a real bad time,
With hundreds of us trying.'

'A thousand angels rushed,
To check the status of your file,
But you know, Jake, we hadn't heard
From you in quite a long while.'

'And though all prayers are answered,
And God ain't got no quota,
He didn't recognize your voice,
And started a truck in Minnesota'

BETTER KEEP IN TOUCH!
 
> Sometimes...
>
> when you cry....
>
> no one sees your tears.
>
>
>
> Sometimes...
>
> when you are in pain.
>
> no one sees your hurt.
>
>
>
> Sometimes..
>
> when you are worried..
>
> no one sees your stress
>
>
>
> Sometimes..
>
> when you are happy..
>
> no one sees your smile ..

> -
>
> -
>
> But


> FART!!


> just ONE time...
>
> And everybody knows!!
 
1. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

2.Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service

3. No one expects you to run----anywhere.
4. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out...
8. You can eat supper at 4pm.
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10.. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

11.You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

12. You can't remember who sent you this list
 
1. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

2.Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service

3. No one expects you to run----anywhere.
4. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out...
8. You can eat supper at 4pm.
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10.. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

11.You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

12. You can't remember who sent you this list
 
How To Save The Airlines
>
>
>
>
> Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first
> place.
>
> Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking
> strippers! What the hell, they don't even serve food anymore, so
> what's the loss?
>
> The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a
> 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every
> businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to
> see
> naked women.
>
> Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a
> salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so
> good
> that we could charge the women for working the plane and have
> them
> kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special
> services.'
>
>
>
> Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing
> naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the
> airline industry would see record revenues.
> And best of all Tiger would be on every flight.
>
> This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a
> golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset....
>
> Why didn't Obama think of this? Why do I still have to do
> everything
> myself?
>
> Sincerely,
> Bill Clinton
 
How do these people survive??

The Government helps them, that's how!!

How do these people survive?
ONERecently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.
I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter
'You don't?' I replied.
'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply
'So I can't order half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'
'That's right.'
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
(Unbelievable but sadly true.)

TWO I was checking out at the local Woolworths with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'
I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'
She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened..

THREE A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'
(keep shuddering!!)
FOUR I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked.
She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'
'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.
'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'
PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself!!!

FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.
Brunette, by the way!!

SIX A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......'
Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency!'


Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid!!!!
 
One evening a grandson was talking to his grandfather about current events..
The grandson asked his grandfather what he thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.

The Grandfather replied, 'Well, let me think a minute, I was born before:

' television

' penicillin

' polio shots

' frozen foods

' Xerox

' contact lenses

' Frisbees and

' the pill

There were no:

' credit cards

' laser beams or

' ball-point pens

Man had not invented:

' pantyhose

' air conditioners

' dishwashers

' clothes dryers

' and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and

' man hadn't yet walked on the moon

Your Grandmother and I got married first, . . . and then lived together.

Every family had a father and a mother.

Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, 'Sir'.
And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, 'Sir.'

We were before gay-rights, computer- dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy.

Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense.

We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.

Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege.

We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.

Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.

Draft dodgers were those who closed front doors as the evening breeze started.

Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends-not purchasing condominiums.


We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.

We listened to Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios.

And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.

If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan ' on it, it was junk

The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam.

Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.

We had 5 &10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.

Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel.

And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.

You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, . . . but who could afford one?
Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.

In my day:

' 'grass' was mowed,

' 'coke' was a cold drink,

' 'pot' was something your mother cooked in and

' 'rock music' was your grandmother's lullaby.

' 'Aids' were helpers in the Principal's office,

' ' chip' meant a piece of wood,

' 'hardware' was found in a hardware store and

' 'software' wasn't even a word.

And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby.

No wonder people call us 'old and confused' and say there is a generation gap... and how old do you think I am?

I bet you have this old man in mind...you are in for a shock!

Read on to see -- pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the same time.

Are you ready ?????




This man would be only 59 years old.
 
Just ask a child if you want the truth

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.




The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.

The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'

The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.










A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'

The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'







A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'







One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'

Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'







I love this one!


The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'













A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'

'Yes,' the class said.

'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'

A little fellow shouted,
'Cause your feet ain't empty.'







I LIKE THE NEXT ONE IN PARTICULAR




The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

'Take only ONE . God is watching.'

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'
 
John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.


John's favorite rooster, Old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed Old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To John's amazement, Old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.John was so proud of Old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded Old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly Old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully 2010, you may not always hear the bells.
 
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her
> trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring
> and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is
> like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received
> the following letter from the local Target.
>
> Dear Mrs.. Samuel,
>
> Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a
> commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been
> forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your
> husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video
> surveillance cameras.
> *
> 1.* June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in
> other people's carts when they weren't looking.
> *
> 2.* July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
> 5-minute intervals.
> *
> 3.* July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading
> to the women's restroom.
> *
> 4.* July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an
> official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This
> caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a
> reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union
> grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company
> money.
> *
> 5.* August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of
> M&Ms on layaway.
> *
> 6.* August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted
> area.
> *
> 7.* August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told
> the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows
> and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children
> obliged.
>
> 8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
> crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs
> were called..
> *
> 9.* September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used
> it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
> *
> 10.* September 10: While handling guns in the hunting
> department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
> *
> 11.* October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while
> loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
> *
> 12.* October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his
> 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
> *
> 13.* October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
> through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
> *
> 14.* October 21: When an announcement came over the loud
> speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE
> VOICES AGAIN!'
>
>
> And last, but not least:
> *
> 15.* October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
> awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'
> One of the clerks passed out.
 
An elderly gent was invited to an old friends home for dinner one
evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request
to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling,
Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years
and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over to his host, 'I
think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your
wife those loving pet names'.

The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' he said,
'Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death
to ask the cranky old bitch what her name is.
 
What causes arthritus ??

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was
sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned, " Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father.
I was just reading here that the Pope does."
:eek:
 
Pussycats

A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape,was sunbathing on a mostly deserted beach at Ft.Myers Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.


"How are you today?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.


"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely", she countered.

"Do you live around here?" She asked.

"Yes, I live over in Cape Coral," he answered,and again he resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest,she persisted,

"Do you like pussy cats?"

With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.

When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man,

"How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied. "How did you know my name was
" KATZ "
 
THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:



1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.



2. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

3. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.

4. I thought that I could love no other

that is until I met your brother.

5. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
empty and so is your head.

6. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

7. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

8. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

9. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

10. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.


WHO SAID POETRY IS BORING?
 
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