Joke of the week

Cheating wife

A man returns home a day early from a long weekend of golf. It's after
Midnight. While on route home he asks the cabbie if he would be
A witness.

The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her
In the act. For $100, extra, the cabbie agrees..

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabbie tip toe into the
Bedroom.
The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and here is
His wife in bed with another man! The husband puts a gun to the naked
man's head. The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I
Inherited money.

HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your season rugby tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly
Rent!'

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun.

He looks over at the cabbie and says, 'What would you do?'

The cabbie replies, "I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches
A cold.
:eek:
 
Turning a different color

Barack Obama got out of the shower and was drying off when he looked in the mirror and noticed that he was white from the neck to the top of his head.

In a sheer panic and fearing he was turning white all over, he called his doctor and told him what had happened. The doctor advised him to come to his office immediately. After an examination, the doctor mixed a concoction of brown liquid, gave it to Barack, and told him to drink it all.

Barack drank the concoction and said, "That tasted like bullshit!"

"It was." the doctor replied, "You were a quart low."
 
Picture of a boating accident

Not for the squeamish!!

SECONDS before Death (CHILLING).

WARNING! GRAPHIC BOATING PHOTO.

THIS IS A PICTURE OF A MAN

WITH JUST SECONDS LEFT TO LIVE

(CHILLING!)
 
My neighbors schnauzer

My neighbor found out that her dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the chemist and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady went to the chemist and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist says, "Well stay off your bicycle for about a week."
 
Meals On Wheels

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, 'You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.'

The cat thought for a minute and then said, 'All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.'

God said, 'Say no more.' Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.
The mice said, 'Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again.'

God answered, 'It is done.' All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat.. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, 'Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?'

The cat replied, 'Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!'
 
Bubba and the phone

Copper wire:

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York
Scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, A story in the LA Times read: "California archaeologists, finding of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers"

One week later. A local newspaper in Missouri reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Salem, Missouri , Bubba, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Missouri
had already gone wireless".

Just makes you proud to live in Missouri don't it.
 
A little hospital humor

>
> At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit
> the
> books of a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the books
> he
> turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of
> bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too
> little
> left to be of any use?"
>
> "Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to
> the
> bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box
> of bandages."
>
> "Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his
> unusual question
> had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.
>
> "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left
> over after setting a cast on a patient?"
>
> "Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to
> trap
> him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back tothe
> manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of
> plaster."
>
> "I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster
> the
> know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the
> leftover
> foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
>
> "Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all
> the
> little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year
> they
> send us a complete dick."
 
Texas bank hiest

A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a
sack full of cash.
On his way out the door a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and
pulled it off revealing the robber's face.
The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation.
He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking
straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also.
Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in
silence.
The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"
There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly
afraid to speak. Then one old man tentatively raised his hand and said,
"My wife got a pretty good look at you."
 
Sweet tea remedy

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten Black and Blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home
drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have the perfect medicine for that" he said. "When your husband
comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it
around in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes
to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea!

Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished
and swished, and sure enough he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"
 
Fox is already cowering down to the president...

FOX NETWORK
BOWS TO PRESSURE


In response to President Obama's complaint that FOX doesn't show enough Black and Hispanic people on their network, FOX has announced that they will now air
"America 's Most Wanted"
twice a week.
 
Ghost Sex

A professor at the University of Kentucky was giving
a lecture on the supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many
People here believe in ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands..

'Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who
Believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen
a ghost?'

About 40 students raise their hands.

'That's really good. I'm really glad you take this
Seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'

About 15 students raise their hand.

'Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'

Three students raise their hands.

'That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question
Further... Have any of you ever made love to a
Ghost?'

Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says 'Son,
All the years I've bee n giving this lecture, no one
Has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.
You've got to come up here and tell us about your
Experience.'

The big redneck student replied with a nod and a
Grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor
Asks, 'So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex
With a ghost?'

Bubba replied,
'Shiiiiiiit!! From way back there I Thought you said 'Goats
 
A Picture to Grandma

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a picture in half and mails it. The next day he discovers that he had accidentally sent the bottom half of the photo. He's really worried but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.



A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his Grandmother. It says:
"Thank you for the picture. Change your hairstyle. it makes
your nose look too short." Love, Grandma
 
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Stories about children and their views of the world are always touching.

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.
Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders
of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.
He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.

He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked
'They're mating,' her father replied.
'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.
'Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.
'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question
he replied, 'No. dear, both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'

'The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment,
then lifted her foot and stomped them flat.

'Well,' she said, 'that may be OK in California,
but we're not having any of that shit in Texas.'
 
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