Joke of the week

Erections and Aging

Two old drunks are sitting in a bar when the first one says, "Ya know, when I was thirty and got an erection, I couldn't bend it, even using both hands.

By the time I was forty, I could bend it about ten degrees, if I tried really hard.

By the time I was fifty, I could bend it about forty five degrees - no problem. I'm gonna be sixty next week, and now I can bend it in half with just one hand."

"So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?"

"Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get."

:eek:
 
Time on my hands to think

> > Ramblings of a
> > Retired Mind
> >
> > I was thinking about how a status
> > symbol of today is those cell phones that
> > everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I
> > can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door
> > opener. I also made a cover for my hearing aid
> > and now I have what they call blue teeth, I
> > think.
> >
> > You know, I spent a fortune on
> > deodorant before I realized that people didn't like
> > me anyway.
> >
> > I was thinking that women should put pictures of
> > missing husbands on beer cans!
> >
> > I was thinking about old age and that old age is 'when you still have
> > something on the ball, but you are just too tired
> > to bounce it.'
> >
> >
> > I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age, and call
> > it 'Pumping Rust'.
> >
> >
> > I've gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when
> > your chest is falling into your drawers!
> >
> > When people see a cat's litter box, they always
> > say, 'Oh, have you got a cat?' Just once I want
> > to say, 'No, it's for company!'
> >
> > Employment application blanks always ask who is to be
> > notified in case of an emergency. I think you
> > should write, 'A Good Doctor'!
> >
> > I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a
> > whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me.
> > They were cramming for their finals.
> >
> >
> > As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.
> >
> > Enjoy Your Days & Love Your Life,
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Because Life is a journey to be savored.
 
50th Anniversary

A couple were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one .... "Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."

"Not to worry," said the father. "The important thing is that we're all together today."

Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you."

"It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."

Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and happy anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."

After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."

The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're bastards?"

"Yep," said the father. "And cheap ones too."
:eek: :eek:
 
A drunk in need

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? .

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too."

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.
:)
 
Voted the best joke in ireland

Malcolm O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said,
'Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!'

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary,
'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.'

She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?'

Malcolm said,
'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'

'Oh, that is very nice indeed, Malcolm!' Mary said.

The next day,
Mary ran into one of Malcolm's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'Mal won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'

She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.'

:eek: :eek:
 
Labor pains

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father.

He asked if they were interested, both said they were very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.

The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50 percent.

The husband continued to feel quite well.. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none.

She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home they found the UPS man dead on the porch.. :eek:
 
A cowboy from Texas

A cowboy from Texas attends a social function where Barack Obama is trying to gather support for his Health Plan. Once he discovers the cowboy is from President Bush's home area, he starts to belittle him by talking in a southern drawl and single syllable words.

As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with them circle flies?"

Obama stopped talking and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they're called, but I've never heard of circle flies."

"Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "Circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

"Oh," Obama replies as he goes back to rambling.
But, a moment later he stops and bluntly asks, "Are you calling me a horse's ass?"

"No, sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for the citizens of this country to call their president a horse's ass."

"That's a good thing," Obama responds and begins rambling on once more.

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies, though." :eek:
 
wrong day again

An irate senior citizen called the newspaper and demanded to know why her Sunday paper had not been delivered. The gentleman said," I'm sorry Mam but we only deliver the Sunday paper on Sunday. This is Saturday". After a brief pause he heard, " Oh shit, that must be why there was no one at church!!".
 
this is what they do. Computer geeks. I have lots of republician friends, we agree to disagree, some of them get crazy with the e-mails, Demorcrats don,t bombbard republicians with that trash. It is a one way street . Even when I politely ask them to stop, they keep it up, who do they think they are impressing?
 
Most of my associates/freinds/comrades are conservative.
When G dub was president, I received a lot emails bashing him also.
I do not consider myself to be republican or a democrat...I am a capitalist. I intend to preserve what I have accumulated in my life time. I been broke, I been comfortable, I like the latter the most.
Have busted my hump, served my country, am involved in various civic/charity orginazations and provided for my family for 50 years.

I do not like what I am seeing being done by this administraion(i.e: all parties).
If someone needs something and I have it I will probably give it to them...Just don't tell I have to give it to them because you think you know what is better for me. I am a grown, educated small business owner and do think I can figure it out on my own.
I love my country it is the government that scares the bejesus out of me.

Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness...
 
Amen. Thanks Snakey for putting things in the proper perspective. If ya want to know one of the great guys in the club Paul, becomes friends with Mike/Snake. They don't get any better then Snakey. :cool:
 
No response here......please carry this over to the Paddock if needed. On with the jokes :D
 
Family Planning Advice

EDIT---Sorry can't get photo to upload
 
Last edited:
Presidential Secret Code

Secret Code

After a President has been in office for 1 year it is customary for the last President to send a note of congratulations to the new one.

So yesterday when the note came from Bush to Obama, the President was somewhat troubled because it was written in code and all it said was:

370H-SSV-0773H

This troubled him as he had always heard from his peers how former president Bush was perceived to have been scholarly challenged.

So he took the note to his wife. She was unable to decipher it.

They called in the VP, and he was unable to decode the message. They called in the chief of staff and the head of Secret Service detail and they were unable to determine the meaning of the note.

Next he called in the head of the Senate and Speaker of the House.

They both were mystified by the meaning of the coded message.

Now there was complete panic in the Oval Office.

They called all of their contacts in the media and sent copies of the note to all of them, and not one was able to come up with an answer.

A special emergency meeting was called by the staff.

All branches of the military, counter intelligence, CIA, FBI were called in, and the best minds were unable crack the code.

After a sleepless night, a now humbled President Obama picked up the phone and called the former president, and asked him the meaning of the note.

George Bush chuckled and replied: ' Bud , you're holding it upside down!'



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top