Joke of the week

Montana bear tradgedy

This is a very sad story about a bear.

Everybody should heed the warning to not feed wildlife because they become dependent and cannot forage for themselves anymore.

This is such a tragedy to see what they have done to our country's wildlife!



The photo below captures a disturbing trend that is beginning to affect US wildlife...



Animals that were formerly self-sufficient are now showing signs of belonging to the Democratic Party, as they have apparently learned to just sit and wait for the government to step in and provide for their care and sustenance...



This photo is of a Democrat black bear in Montana nicknamed Bearack Obearma.
 
Driver's License - too cute
A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

' Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.
'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really
none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. 'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'

'Because you got an F in sex.'
 
Classifieds

These classifieds actually ran in a Minneapolis newspaper:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 -years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES..
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Superdog. able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG..
Looks like a rat. Been out a while.
Better be a big reward.

COWS: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale..

NORDIC TRACK
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.

GEORGIA PEACHES
California grown - 89 cents/lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.

And the best one?
FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica,
45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, got married last month.
Wife knows everything :eek:
 
I am on the patch

Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom


Using the urinals.

One of them looks at the other one's unit and notices there's a Nicobate patch on it.

He looks at the other priest and says, 'I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis.'

The other one replies, 'It's working just fine.
I'm down to two butts a day.' :eek:
 
Widdle wabbit

Widdle Wabbit






A precious little girl walks into a petsmart shop and asks,
in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me,
mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"




As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that
he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit,
or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle
bwown wabbit over there?"



She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her
hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,






"I don't think my python weally gives a thit !! :eek:
 
Job interveiw

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes - caffeine."

"Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says "I was in Iraq for two years."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles.."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10:00 A.M. every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P...M., why don'! t you want me to here until 10:00 A.M.?"

"This is a government job," the inter-viewer says, "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."


:eek: :eek:
 
This the way it is folks

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.

She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps..

He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt....

As they walked through the ape exhibit,

They passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.

Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.

He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.

He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.

He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.

She did... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.

"Now...... show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips.

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.

"Now. Tell him you have a headache."
 
Financial planning

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he
decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had
ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my
father will die and I will inherit $200 million."

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became
his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
:)
 
Today's word is.. Fluctuations

:D




I was at my bank today; there was a short line.

There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.

It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen.. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"
:eek:
 
This is from my bros. John

"In my many years I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two are a law firm & 3 or more is congress."--John Adams
 
MY dog

I went down this morning to sign up my Dog for welfare. At first the lady said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare". So I explained to her that my Dog is mix in color, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and has no frigging clue who his Daddy is. He expects me to feed him, provide him with housing and medical care, and feel guilty because he is a dog.


So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify. My Dog gets his first check Friday.


This is a great country or what?.
 
Lone ranger and tonto in the desert

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.. After they got their
tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look
towards sky, what you see? '
'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it
tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to
be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord
is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it
seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'

'You dumber than buffalo shit. It means someone stole the tent..'
:eek:
 
A blonde moment

A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to LA with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks ahead to the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach.

The blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."

Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach.

Again, the blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."

The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde's ear.

She immediately gets up, says, "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman.

He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to LA."

:D
 
Guido the itailian

A virile, middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido

was relaxing at his

favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a

spectacular young

blonde woman.



Things progressed to the point where he invited her

back to his

apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to

his bedroom where

he rattled her senseless.



After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So,

you finish?"



She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."



Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling

resumed.



This time she thrashed about wildly and there were

screams of passion.

The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and

asks, "You finish?"



Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile,

cuddles closer to him

and softly says, "No."



Stunned, but d@mned if he was going to leave this

woman unsatisfied,

Guido reaches for the woman yet again.



Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it,

but they end

together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the

bed sheets.



Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely

able to turn his

head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked

again, "You

finish?"



Barely able to speak herself, the beautiful blond

whispers in his ear,

"No, I Norwegian
:eek:
 
Lipstick on the mirror

Lipstick in School (Priceless!)

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lip stick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers .... and then there are educators

:eek:
 
Saint patty joke

An Irishman went to confession. "Father", he confessed, "it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month." The priest told the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Marys."



Soon, another Irishman entered the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've been having sex with Nookie Green twice a week, for the last two months."



This time, the priest questioned, "Who is this Nookie Green?"



"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replied.



"Very well", sighed the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Marys."



At Mass the next morning, as the priest was preparing to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redhead entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church were on her, as she slowly sashayed up the aisle--and sat down, right in front of the priest.

Her dress was green and very short, and she was wearing matching,

shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and the altar boy gasped, as she sat with her legs spread slightly apart...just enough to reveal that she wasn't wearing any underwear. The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, "Is that Nookie Green?"



The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears, but managed to calmly reply, "No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes."

Happy St. Patrick's Day !
:eek: :eek:
 
Wise guys

Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves and display racks set up. One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the
window, and ask what we're selling."

Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up
to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in
a loud voice asked, "What are you sellin' here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You're doing well,
only two left."
:eek:
 
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