Joke of the week

Quickie in the bushes

:DThe Joke of the Day


Quickie in the Bushes

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing...

The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?' He asks her 'Shall we?' She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you crap on its head.'

----------AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING????
 
Cruizing can be immoral

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors; Jim, Tom and Susie.

They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Susie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.

She felt having sex with both Jim and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.


It was tragic, but Jim and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Jim and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.


Well, a couple more years went by and Jim and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.


















I didn't see this one coming











So, they buried Susie.









--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Catholic coffee

:DFour Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.

The first Catholic man tells his friends,
"My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps,
"My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says,
"My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your
Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says,
"My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well.....?"

She proudly replies,
"I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" stomach and 34" hips.
When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."
 
Bracelet at tiffany's

:DA lady walks into Tiffany's. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly has to fart.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little whoops and prays that a sales person wasn't anywhere near.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Good looking as well.

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Tiffany's, he politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it - you're going to s--t when I tell you the price."
 
Two coffees

:DA Muslim dies and finds himself before the pearly Gates.
He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the
Prophet Mohammed.

Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man
with a beard.

"Are you Mohammed?" he asks, "No, my son. I am Peter.
Mohammed is higher up." And he points to a ladder that rises into the
clouds.

Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he
climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds coming
to a room where he meets another bearded man.

He asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"

"No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still."

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy, he continues to
climb the ladder and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room
where he meets another man with a beard.

Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"

"No, I am Jesus. You will find Mohammed higher up."

Mohammed higher than Jesus! The poor man can hardly
contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher. Once again,
he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats
his question.

"Are you Mohammed?" he gasps, as he is by now, totally
out of breath from all his climbing. "No, my son. I am God. But you
look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?"

"Yes, please, my Lord."

God looks behind him, claps his hands and Calls out,
"Hey, Mohammed, two coffees!"
 
No Nativity Scene in DC this year

The
Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States' capital this Christmas season.
This isn't for any religious reason, they simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's capital. A
search for a virgin continues.

There is, however, no problem finding enough asses to fill the stable.
 
Brass Monkey's

CANNON BALLS!!! DID YOU KNOW THIS?

It was necessary to keep a good supply of cannon balls near the cannon on old war ships. But how to prevent them from rolling about the deck was the problem. The storage method devised was to stack them as a square based pyramid, with one ball on top, resting on four, resting on nine, which rested on sixteen.


Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem -- how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding/rolling from under the others.

The solution was a metal plate with 16 round indentations, called, for reasons unknown, a Monkey. But if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make them of brass - hence, Brass Monkeys.

Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled.

Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey.

Thus, it was quite literally, cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey. And all this time, folks thought that was just a vulgar expression?

You must send this fabulous bit of historical knowledge to at least a few intellectual friends.



What ya think?
 
Test

:DYou are driving down the road in your cobra on a wild,
stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people

waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to knowing that there could
only be one passenger in your car?
Think before you continue reading.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you
should save her first.
Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and
this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.
However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.
how would you answer
: 'I would give the car keys to my
old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind
and
wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'
Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought
limitations.
Never forget to, 'Think Outside of the Box'.
HOWEVER.... the correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her

out of her misery because Obama's health care won't pay for her anyway;
have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off
with
the old friend for a few beers.
God, I love happy endings!
 
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, 'I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!'


'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom.

'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'


Sounds to me like she's ....... !
......been ....sweeping around!!!
 
White wedding dresses

That reminds me of another lame one...only joking

Why are wedding dresses white?
So they will coordinate with the appliances.

Why are womens feet smaller than mens?
So they can get closer to the sink.
 
So call me a redneck

You might be a redneck if: It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, 'One nation, under God.'

You might be a redneck if: You've never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places.
You might be a redneck if: You still say 'Christmas' instead of 'Winter Festival' or 'Holiday Greentings'.
You might be a redneck if: You bow your head when someone prays.
You might be a redneck if: You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem...
You might be a redneck if: You treat our armed forces veterans with great respect, and always have.
You might be a redneck if: You've never burned an American flag, nor intend to..
You might be a redneck if: You know what you believe and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who is listening.
You might be a redneck if: You respect your elders and raised your kids to do the same.
You might be a redneck if: You'd give your last dollar to a friend.
If you got this e-mail from me, it is because I believe that you, like me, have just enough Red Neck in you to have the same beliefs as those talked about in this e-mail.

God Bless the USA!
 
Always prepare for safe sex

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married..

There was only one little thing bothering me ... It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo... and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law to be hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."


And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car
 
So you think you are smart?

This is the eighth-grade final exam from 1895 in Salina, Kansas, USA. It was taken from the original document on file at the Smokey Valley Genealogical Society and Library in Salina, and reprinted by the Salina Journal.
8th Grade Final Exam: Salina, KS -1895

Grammar (Time, one hour)
1. Give nine rules for the use of capital letters.
2. Name the parts of speech and define those that have no modifications.
3. Define verse, stanza and paragraph
4. What are the principal parts of a verb? Give principal parts of 'lie,''play,' and 'run.'
5. Define case; illustrate each case.
6 What is punctuation? Give rules for principal marks of punctuation.
7 - 10. Write a composition of about 150 words and show therein that you understand the practical use of the rules of grammar.

Arithmetic (Time,1 hour 15 minutes)
1. Name and define the Fundamental Rules of Arithmetic.
2. A wagon box is 2 ft. Deep, 10 feet long, and 3 ft. Wide. How many bushels of wheat will it hold?

3. If a load of wheat weighs 3,942 lbs., what is it worth at 50cts/bushel, deducting 1,050 lbs. For tare?

4. District No 33 has a valuation of $35,000. What is the necessary levy to carry on a school seven months at $50 per month, and have $104 for incidentals?
5. Find the cost of 6,720 lbs. Coal at $6.00 per ton.
6. Find the interest of $512.60 for 8 months and 18 days at 7 percent.
7. What is the cost of 40 boards 12 inches wide and 16 ft.. Long at $20 per metre?
8. Find bank discount on $300 for 90 days (no grace) at 10 percent.
9. What is the cost of a square farm at $15 per acre, the distance of which is 640 rods?
10. Write a Bank Check, a Promissory Note, and a Receipt
U.S. History
Time, 45 minutes)
1. Give the epochs into which U.S. History is divided
2. Give an account of the discovery of America by Columbus
3. Relate the causes and results of the Revolutionary War.
4. Show the territorial growth of the United States
5. Tell what you can of the history of Kansas
6. Describe three of the most prominent battles of the Rebellion.
7. Who were the following: Morse, Whitney, Fulton , Bell , Lincoln , Penn, and Howe?
8. Name events connected with the following dates: 1607, 1620, 1800, 1849, 1865.

Orthography (Time, one hour)
[Do we even know what this is??]
1. What is meant by the following: alphabet, phonetic, orthography, etymology, syllabication
2. What are elementary sounds? How classified?
3. What are the following, and give examples of each: trigraph, subvocals, diphthong, cognate letters,
linguals
4. Give four substitutes for caret 'u.' (HUH?)
5. Give two rules for spelling words with final 'e.' Name two exceptions under each rule.
6. Give two uses of silent letters in spelling. Illustrate each.
7. Define the following prefixes and use in connection with a word: bi, dis-mis, pre, semi, post, non, inter, mono, sup.
8. Mark diacritically and divide into syllables the following, and name the sign that indicates the sound: card, ball, mercy, sir, odd, cell, rise, blood, fare, last.
9. Use the following correctly in sentences: cite, site, sight, fane, fain, feign, vane , vain, vein, raze, raise, rays.
10. Write 10 words frequently mispronounced and indicate pronunciation by use of diacritical marks
and by syllabication.

Geography (Time, one
hour)
1 What is climate? Upon what does climate depend?
2. How do you account for the extremes of climate in Kansas ?
3. Of what use are rivers? Of what use is the ocean?
4. Describe the mountains of North America
5. Name and describe the following: Monrovia , Odessa , Denver , Manitoba , Hecla , Yukon , St. Helena, Juan Fernandez, Aspinwall and Orinoco
6. Name and locate the principal trade centers of the U.S. Name all the republics of Europe and give the capital of each.
8. Why is the Atlantic Coast colder than the Pacific in the same latitude?
9. Describe the process by which the water of the ocean returns to the sources of rivers.
10. Describe the movements of the earth. Give the inclination of the earth.

Notice the exam took FIVE HOURS - gives the saying 'he only had an 8th grade education' a whole new meaning. Also shows you how poor our education system has become and NO I don't have the answers!
 
Cash for clunkers

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be
thinking about trading it in for a newer model.
I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish, and

my paint job is getting a little dull. But that's not
the worst of it. My headlights are out of focus, and
it's especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip
and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of
weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It
takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns
inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it -- Almost every time I sneeze, cough or laugh, either my
radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires.
 
6 Truths

1. You cannot touch all of your top teeth with your tongue.
2. All idiots, while reading the First Truth, will try to do it.
3. And they will discover that the First Truth is a lie.
4. You're smiling now because you're one of those idiots.
5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.
6. And there will still be a stupid smile on your face while you're doing it.
I do not apologize about this and I do not feel sorry about sending it to you.
I'm an idiot too and I just needed company!
 
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