Joke of the week

Message Osama Obama

Dear Fellow Citizens,

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, I, President Obama, have decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as I, President Obama deem appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously, persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by me, President Obama.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. I, President Obama have always prided myself on the amount of SHIT I give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,

President Obama

PS - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.



Today's Quote
"Americans grew tired of being thought to be dumb by the rest of the world,
so they went to the polls and removed all doubt
 
On his 74th birthday, a man received a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation. The medicine man was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, all the time wondering what was to come.

The old medicine man slowly and methodically produced a potion, which he handed to the 74 year-old.

With a grip on his shoulder, the medicine man warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3'. When you do that, you will become manlier than you have ever been in your life and you will be able to perform as long as you want."

The old man was encouraged. As he walked away,

he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" the medicine man responded. "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

The old man was very eager to see if the potion worked, so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition - or one will end up with a dangling participle
 
my buddy little johnny great kid

Little Johnny Meets Barack Obama

Barack Obama was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy". So our illustrious president asked the class for an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," said Obama, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explained Obama. "That's what we would call great loss."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Obama searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Obama. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"

"Well," says little Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great
loss...and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."
 
leroy and the preacher

"Anyone with needs to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar," the Preacher says.

Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing." The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy.

After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks,"Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't til next Wednesday!"

this is for you dave
 
New years eve party

:D


You Don't Have To Own A CAT To Appreciate This One!




We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the cab company and requested a taxi.



The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.



My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty for the night, so, she tells the taxi driver that I will be out shortly. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother," she explains.



A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "The stupid idiot was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But, it worked! I hauled her fat butt downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"



The cab driver hit a parked car!
 
The mailmans last day

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the

whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a

big gift certificate envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine imported cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At each of the houses along his route, he was met with congratulations, farewells, cards, and gifts of all types and values.

At the final house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful young blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where they had a most passionate liaison.

Afterwards, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

'...All this was just too wonderful for words,' he said, .......but what's the dollar for?'

'Well,' she said, 'last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day ....and that we should do something special for you.
I asked him what to give you?'


He said, "...Screw him .........give him a dollar."

The blonde then blushed and said, '....But the breakfast was my idea.
 
The doctors office

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed," she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight, you don't have any milk."

I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."
 
The golf genie

Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.....
Unfortunately, the wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'

'Uh...yeah, sir. We're really sorry about that,' the husband replied.

'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you... You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself.'

'Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'

'No problem,' said the genie.. 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!' 'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.

'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,' she said.

'Consider it done,' the genie said.. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'

'And now,' the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?'

'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'

The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'

'You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other in every way. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, 'How old are you and your husband?'

'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.

'NO Way.' He said,'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'
 
bear remover

With all the local Bear sightings, I thought ya’ll could use this little giggle..


A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for 'Bear Removers.' He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

'What are you going to do,' the homeowner asks?

'I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.'

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

'What's the shotgun for?' asks the homeowner.

'If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.'
 
Why some men prefer a gun instead of a women

____________________________________
#10 - You can trade in an old 44 for a new 22...

#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you are on the road...

#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let
you try it out a few times...

#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup...

#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo...

#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space...

#4 - A gun functions normally every day of the month....

#3 - A gun doesn't ask, 'Do these grips make me look fat?'...

#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it...

....AND...the

#1 reason a gun is favored over a woman...............

YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN!!!
 
Fall classes for women

Fall Classes for Women at
THE
ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By Wednesday October 14, 2009

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM..

Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups..
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined..
Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim..
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.


Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 wks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

hope this don't get the womens panties in a twist
 
Last edited:
opinions from 5 surgeons

The first says:
> 'I like to see
> accountants on my operating table,
> because
> when you open
> them up, everything inside
> is numbered.'
>
> The second adds, 'Yeah, but you
> should
> try electricians! Everything inside
> them is
> colour coded.'
>
> The third, says: 'No, I really think
> librarians
> are the best; everything inside them
> is
> in alphabetical order.'
>
> The fourth states 'You know, I
> like
> construction workers...those guys
> always understand
> when you have a few parts left over.
>
> But the fifth, a
> Washington D.C. doctor, shut them all up
> when he
> observed: You're all wrong. Politicians
> are the easiest to
> operate on. There's no guts, no heart,
> no brains and no
> spine, and the head and the ass
> >
> are interchangeable.
 
Ouch poor tom

During the worship service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said, 'I have praise. Two months ago, my husband Tom had a terrible bicycle wreck, and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating, and the doctors didn't know if they could help him.'

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation, as they imagined the pain that poor Tom experienced.

She continued, 'Tom was unable to hold me or the children, and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation.

They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.' Again, the men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably, as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

She continued, 'Now, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely.'

All the men sighed with relief.

The pastor rose, and tentatively asked
if anyone else had anything to say.

A man rose and walked to the podium.
He said, 'Hi, I'm Tom, and I want to tell my wife, the word is sternum.'
 
little johny is back

The teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans.

Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Johnny in the front row.

The teacher asked Johnny why he has decided to be different.

'Because, I'm not an Obama fan.'

The teacher asked, 'Why aren't you an Obama fan?'

'Because I'm a Republican.'

The teacher asked him why he's a Republican.

Johnny proudly answered, 'Well, my Mom's a Republican and my Dad's a
Republican, so I'm a Republican.'

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, 'If your mom was a moron and
your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?'

With a big smile, Johnny replied, 'That would make me an Obama fan!'
 
Fifty years of math

Fifty Years of Math 1959 - 2009 (in the USA )

Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:

1. Teaching Math In 1950s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?

2. Teaching Math In 1960s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1970s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In 1980s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 1990s

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok. )

6... Teaching Math In 2009

Un hachero vende una carretada de madera para $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?
 
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