Joke of the week

The belgian golfer

:DAn 80-year-old Belgian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks,' how do you stay in such great physical condition?'

I'm Belgian and I am a golfer,' says the old guy, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways.
I have a glass of beer, and all is well.'

'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Father when he died?'

'Who said my Father's dead?'

The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive. How old is he?'

'He's 100 years old,' says the Old Belgian golfer. 'In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little beer and that's why he's still alive. He's Belgian and he's a golfer, too.'

'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?'

'Who said my Gramps is dead?'

Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'

'He's 118 years old,' says the Old Belgian golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'

'No, Gramps couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married!! Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted to?'
 
Medical conference

_

An Israeli doctor said to a medical conference," Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, and put it into another and have him looking for work in six weeks!

A German doctor stood up and said," Well medicine in my country is so advanced we can take a lung out of one person and put it into another and have him looking for work in 4 weeks"

The Russian doctor got up and said " My country is even more advanced, we can remove half a heart from one person , put it into another and have them both looking for work in just 2 weeks!"

Not to be outdone, the american doctor stood up and addressed the conference. " Well, he said," My country is so far advanced in medicine, we can take a a--hole out of chicago, put him in the White House, and have half the country looking for work in 24 hours...!
 
women golfers

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!
 
Sorry i had to do this, the robot bartender

A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he
noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and
asked, "Sir, what will you have?"

The man thought a moment then replied, "A martini please."

The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man
had ever had.

The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?"

The man answered "oh, about 164."

The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity',
'inter-steller space travel', 'the latest medical break-throughs',
etc.......

The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a
different tact. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked
and asked what he would have? "A Martini please."

Again it was superb. The robot again asked "what is your IQ sir?"

This time the man answered, "Oh about 100". So the robot started
discussing Nascar racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the
Dodgers to do this weekend.

The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a
stool.... Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?"??

This time the man drawled out "Uh..... bout 50".

The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked,

.....................

"A-r-e y-o-u-r p-e-o-p-l-e h-a-p-p-y w-i-t-h O-B-A-M-A?????
 
:eek: :eek: Look, it's a non political joke below :D
Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!

Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments.

Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did.

She said, " Well, you can have it, but it will cost you $500."

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. John quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?"

With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon."

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"

In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out, and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500."

Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player! :D
 
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Don't know what to do, it's another non political joke
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A couple, both bonified rednecks, had 9 children. They went
to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed".

The doctor asked them why, after 9 children, would they choose
to do this.

The husband replied that they had read a recent article that 1 out
of every 10 children being born in North America was Mexican and
they didn't want a Mexican baby because neither of them could
 
In South Los Angeles , a fire destroyed a fourplex.

A Nigerian family of six con artists lived on the first floor, and all six died in the fire.

An Islamic group of seven Kenyan welfare cheats, all illegally in the country, lived on the second floor, and they, too, all perished in the fire.

Six LA, Hispanic, Gang Banger, ex-cons lived on the 3rd floor and they too, died.

One white couple lived on the top floor. The couple survived the fire..

Jesse Jackson, John Burris and Al Sharpton were furious. They flew into LA and quickly demanded a meeting with the fire chief. On camera, they loudly demanded to know why the Blacks, Black Muslims and Hispanics all died in the fire and only the white couple lived.

The fire chief replied, "They were at work."
 
Marines vs Terrorists

A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got
what he deserved, and he yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing liberal drunk who doesn't know how to drive. So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!

He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!"

"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands....when a truck hit us!"
 
From the sick side

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in the Bay of Fundy just off Nova Scotia, a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties on his doorstep. "We are sorry sir, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the Mounties.

"Tell me! Did you find her!?" the husband shouted.

The Mounties looked at each other. Finally one said, "Well, we have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, the ashen-faced husband said "Give me the bad news first."

The Mountie said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay."

"Oh, my God!" exclaimed the husband. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news, then?"

The Mountie continued, "When we pulled her up, she had a dozen
twenty-five-pound snow crabs and 6 good-sized lobsters clinging to her. "

Stunned, the husband demanded, "If that's good news, what's the great news???"

The Mountie said, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."
 
Southern kindness

ATLANTA AIRPORT -
You gotta love this one even if you've never lived in the South. Some of you will enjoy this more than others.. Southerners can be so polite!

Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 511 -- You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R

Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised."

Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711 --You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."

Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R. - Allah is Great."

Pause...

Saudi Air: " ATLANTA ATC - ATLANTA ATC"

Atlanta ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 511."

Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE.. INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE."

Atlanta ATC: "Well bless your hearts. And praise Jesus. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah "hey" for us."
 
a visit from satin

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."
 
Cinderella at 95 years old

:DCinderella is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.

Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"

The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was overjoyed, and after some consideration, she said:

"The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth and I wish I were wealthy again."

Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

"Thank you, Fairy Godmother."

The fairy godmother replied, "It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."


At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young body returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?"

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent a complete change in his biological make-up and as he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him had never been seen before.

The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life."

In a blazing light, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she had appeared.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered, "I bet you're sorry now you had my nuts cut off!"
 
MJ Tribute

A Powerful Message from Stevie Wonder On Michael Jackson's Death.

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. .. .. .
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Deep stuff hey?
I nearly cried when he said
" . .. . . . .. .. . .. .. . . .... ....
 
Love is grand

A little old guy is walking around in a supermarket calling out, Crisco, Crissssssscoooo!'


Soon an assistant manager approaches and says, 'Sir, the Crisco is in aisle 3.'


The old guy replies, 'Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my wife. She's in here somewhere'


The clerk is astonished.


'Your wife's name is Crisco?'


The old guy answers, 'Oh no, no, no. I only call her that when we're Out in public.'

'I see,' said the clerk.


'What do you call her at home?'


'Lard ass.'
 
True love

TRUE LOVE


An elderly gent was invited to an old friend's home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Darling, Honey, My Love, Pumpkin, Sweetheart, etc..

The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over to his host, and said: "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."

The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said. "Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, -- and I'm scared to death to ask the old bitch what it is."











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