That horse / dog picture is way too funny - obviously a big block owner.
The newscaster picture is also great.
The newscaster picture is also great.
Joke of the week
- Thread starter mike w
- Start date
- Thread starter
- #22
Speaking of horses
A man is sitting in a bar in Texas, when Barack Obama comes on TV.
The man looks at the TV and says, "Obama is a horse's ass."
Out of nowhere, a local jumps up and punches him in the face, knocking
the first guy off his bar stool, then stomps out.
He gets back up, rubbing his cheek and orders another beer.
Shortly after, Michelle Obama appears on the TV. He looks at the TV and
says, "She is a horse's ass too!"
Out of nowhere, another local punches
him in the other side of the face, knocking him off his bar stool again.
He gets back up and looks at the bartender, "I take it this is Obama
country?"
"Nope" replies the bartender. "Horse country."
A man is sitting in a bar in Texas, when Barack Obama comes on TV.
The man looks at the TV and says, "Obama is a horse's ass."
Out of nowhere, a local jumps up and punches him in the face, knocking
the first guy off his bar stool, then stomps out.
He gets back up, rubbing his cheek and orders another beer.
Shortly after, Michelle Obama appears on the TV. He looks at the TV and
says, "She is a horse's ass too!"
Out of nowhere, another local punches
him in the other side of the face, knocking him off his bar stool again.
He gets back up and looks at the bartender, "I take it this is Obama
country?"
"Nope" replies the bartender. "Horse country."
A Snake
Member #024
Now wait a minute here!!! I posted this joke and caught hell for it.
Matthew 10:16
Member # 003
OK MikeyW a/k/a "A Snake" How do I break this to ya gently? Oh what the H___. I guesss I'll just give it to ya straight up. We like MikeWII better than you.
OK/OK/OK So I've been known to be full of S___ now & then. 
JUST KIDDIN! 
Had ya going didn't I? 
Later Dude.Silver Bullet
Member # 031
Stupidly
I Love it !!!!! Keep em comin....espicially after his intelligent statement yesterday....dumb ass !!
I Love it !!!!! Keep em comin....espicially after his intelligent statement yesterday....dumb ass !!
Matthew 10:16
Member # 003
- Thread starter
- #27
sorry i stole your thunder but keep them jokes coming
A Snake
Member #024
True Red Neck Philosphy
You might be a redneck if: It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, 'One nation, under God.'
You might be a redneck if: You've never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places.
You might be a redneck if: You still say ' Christmas' instead of 'Winter Festival.'
You might be a redneck if: You bow your head when someone prays.
You might be a redneck if: You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem.
You might be a redneck if: You treat our armed forces veterans with great respect, and always have.
You might be a redneck if: You've never burned an American flag, nor intend to.
You might be a redneck if: You know what you believe and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who is listening.
You might be a redneck if: You respect your elders and raised your kids to do the same.
You might be a redneck if: You'd give your last dollar to a friend.
If you got this email from me, it is because I believe that you, like me, have just enough Red Neck in you to have the same beliefs as those talked about in this email.
You might be a redneck if: It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, 'One nation, under God.'
You might be a redneck if: You've never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places.
You might be a redneck if: You still say ' Christmas' instead of 'Winter Festival.'
You might be a redneck if: You bow your head when someone prays.
You might be a redneck if: You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem.
You might be a redneck if: You treat our armed forces veterans with great respect, and always have.
You might be a redneck if: You've never burned an American flag, nor intend to.
You might be a redneck if: You know what you believe and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who is listening.
You might be a redneck if: You respect your elders and raised your kids to do the same.
You might be a redneck if: You'd give your last dollar to a friend.
If you got this email from me, it is because I believe that you, like me, have just enough Red Neck in you to have the same beliefs as those talked about in this email.
- Thread starter
- #29
I am a redneck 100%
- Thread starter
- #30
Speaking of democrats
Did you ever hear how bill clinton met that pretty hillary they where both dating the same women in college
Did you ever hear how bill clinton met that pretty hillary they where both dating the same women in college
carpe kid
Member # 018
- First Name
- Brandon
- Last Name
- Eckardt
Random Thoughts
Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it.
So I said "Implants?" She hit me
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America ?
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."
Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
Wouldn't you know it...
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
Bumper sticker of the year:
"If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier"
And remember:
Life is like a roll of toilet paper.
The closer it gets to the end,
the faster it goes.
Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it.
So I said "Implants?" She hit me
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America ?
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."
Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
Wouldn't you know it...
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
Bumper sticker of the year:
"If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier"
And remember:
Life is like a roll of toilet paper.
The closer it gets to the end,
the faster it goes.
- Thread starter
- #32
How to tell if obama's health plan is in effect
THE TOP TEN WAYS YOU KNOW OBAMA'S HEALTH CARE PLAN IS IN EFFECT:
(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.
(9) Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."
(8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
(7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
(6) The only item listed under Preventive Care Coverage is "an apple a day..."
(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
(4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges," is not a typographical error.
(3) The only expense covered 100% is "embalming."
(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.
AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY YOU KNOW OBAMA'S HEALTH CARE PLAN IS IN EFFECT:
(1) You ask for Viagra and they give you a Popsicle stick and Duct tape
THE TOP TEN WAYS YOU KNOW OBAMA'S HEALTH CARE PLAN IS IN EFFECT:
(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.
(9) Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."
(8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
(7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
(6) The only item listed under Preventive Care Coverage is "an apple a day..."
(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
(4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges," is not a typographical error.
(3) The only expense covered 100% is "embalming."
(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.
AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY YOU KNOW OBAMA'S HEALTH CARE PLAN IS IN EFFECT:
(1) You ask for Viagra and they give you a Popsicle stick and Duct tape
- Thread starter
- #33
Bubba at walmart
Jennifer, a manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'
The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.'
It just pops into your head. There's no warning.
'That's very good!' replied jennifer. 'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man.
'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'
'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliche for speed.' She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.
'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.
Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. 'It 's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.
Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.
Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'
'WHAT!?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response.
'Oh sure', said Bubba. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT,
I had already CRAP my pants.'
BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!
You probably will think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart.
Jennifer, a manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'
The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.'
It just pops into your head. There's no warning.
'That's very good!' replied jennifer. 'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man.
'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'
'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliche for speed.' She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.
'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.
Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. 'It 's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.
Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.
Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'
'WHAT!?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response.
'Oh sure', said Bubba. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT,
I had already CRAP my pants.'
BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!
You probably will think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart.
Matthew 10:16
Member # 003
Love the non-political bubba joke.
A Snake
Member #024
It was as political as they get Dave
It ended with a lot of crap didn't it?
It ended with a lot of crap didn't it?
- Thread starter
- #36
My i had to change hotels
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I HAD TO CHANGE HOTELS LAST WEEK
Last week I checked into my hotel in Tampa and was a bit lonely. I thought, Ill call one of those girls you see advertised in phone books like escorts and such. I picked up the phone book and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs..... well, you get the picture!
I figured, what the heck, give her a call.
"Hello," the woman says . God, she sounded sexy.
Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in. "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and Id like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything! Now, how does that sound?"
"That sounds fantastic," she says, "but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I HAD TO CHANGE HOTELS LAST WEEK
Last week I checked into my hotel in Tampa and was a bit lonely. I thought, Ill call one of those girls you see advertised in phone books like escorts and such. I picked up the phone book and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs..... well, you get the picture!
I figured, what the heck, give her a call.
"Hello," the woman says . God, she sounded sexy.
Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in. "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and Id like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything! Now, how does that sound?"
"That sounds fantastic," she says, "but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
- Thread starter
- #37
New at school in america
Mohammed entered his classroom. "What is your name?" asked the teacher.
"Mohammed" answered the kid.
"Here we are in the USA and, there is no Mohammed. From now on your name will be Bruce," replied the Teacher.
In the evening, Mohammed returned home. "How was your day, Mohammed?" asked his mother.
"My name is not Mohammed, I am in the USA and now my name is Bruce."
"Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to disown your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you," and she beat him. Then she called the father and he too beat him savagely.
The next day Mohammed returned to school. When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked: "What happened to you little Bruce?"
"Well, Miss, 2 hours after becoming an American I was attacked by two damned Arabs!"
Mohammed entered his classroom. "What is your name?" asked the teacher.
"Mohammed" answered the kid.
"Here we are in the USA and, there is no Mohammed. From now on your name will be Bruce," replied the Teacher.
In the evening, Mohammed returned home. "How was your day, Mohammed?" asked his mother.
"My name is not Mohammed, I am in the USA and now my name is Bruce."
"Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to disown your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you," and she beat him. Then she called the father and he too beat him savagely.
The next day Mohammed returned to school. When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked: "What happened to you little Bruce?"
"Well, Miss, 2 hours after becoming an American I was attacked by two damned Arabs!"
- Thread starter
- #38
Silver Bullet
Member # 031
Good boy!! My kind of Dog !!!!!! Surprised he didn't lift his leg !!!
- Thread starter
- #40
Ok a non-political joke
Wednesday, August 12, 2009, 9:15 PM
>
>>
>>> > * An older, white haired man
>>> walked into a jewelry store
>>> > one
>>> > Friday evening with a
>>> beautiful young gal at his side.
>>> >
>>> > He told the
>>> jeweler he was looking for a special ring for
>>> > his
>>> girlfriend.
>>> >
>>> > The jeweler looked through his
>>> stock and brought out a
>>> > $5,000 ring.
>>> >
>>> > The
>>> old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something
>>> > more
>>> special.'
>>> >
>>> > At that statement, the jeweler
>>> went to his special stock
>>> > and brought another ring over. 'Here's
>>> a stunning
>>> > ring at only $40,000'
>>> > the jeweler
>>> said.
>>> >
>>> > The young lady's eyes sparkled and
>>> her whole body
>>> > trembled
>>> > with excitement.
>>> >
>>>
>>> > The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take
>>> >
>>> it.'
>>> >
>>> > The jeweler asked how payment would be
>>> made and the old
>>> > man
>>> > stated, 'by check. I know you need
>>> to make sure my
>>> > check is good, so
>>> > I'll write it
>>> now and you can call the bank Monday to
>>> > verify the
>>> >
>>> funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'
>>> >
>>>
>>> > Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man.
>>> >
>>> 'There's no money
>>> > in that account.'
>>> >
>>> > 'I
>>> know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell
>>> > you about my
>>> weekend!'
>>> >
>>> > All Seniors Aren't
>>> Senile
Wednesday, August 12, 2009, 9:15 PM
>
>>
>>> > * An older, white haired man
>>> walked into a jewelry store
>>> > one
>>> > Friday evening with a
>>> beautiful young gal at his side.
>>> >
>>> > He told the
>>> jeweler he was looking for a special ring for
>>> > his
>>> girlfriend.
>>> >
>>> > The jeweler looked through his
>>> stock and brought out a
>>> > $5,000 ring.
>>> >
>>> > The
>>> old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something
>>> > more
>>> special.'
>>> >
>>> > At that statement, the jeweler
>>> went to his special stock
>>> > and brought another ring over. 'Here's
>>> a stunning
>>> > ring at only $40,000'
>>> > the jeweler
>>> said.
>>> >
>>> > The young lady's eyes sparkled and
>>> her whole body
>>> > trembled
>>> > with excitement.
>>> >
>>>
>>> > The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take
>>> >
>>> it.'
>>> >
>>> > The jeweler asked how payment would be
>>> made and the old
>>> > man
>>> > stated, 'by check. I know you need
>>> to make sure my
>>> > check is good, so
>>> > I'll write it
>>> now and you can call the bank Monday to
>>> > verify the
>>> >
>>> funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'
>>> >
>>>
>>> > Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man.
>>> >
>>> 'There's no money
>>> > in that account.'
>>> >
>>> > 'I
>>> know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell
>>> > you about my
>>> weekend!'
>>> >
>>> > All Seniors Aren't
>>> Senile