Funny Stuff...

Tim M

Tim M

PRESIDENT, Member # 015
GCC Member
Location (City)
St. Charles
First Name
Tim
Last Name
Mauldin
Post your jokes here, Lounge, so keep it somewhat above the line. :D

A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Montana , and talks with an old rancher.
He tells the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown
drugs.'

The old rancher says, 'Okay, but do not go in that field over there' as he
points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of
the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he
removes his badge and proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge?
This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish...on any land. No
questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you
understand?'

The old rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA
officer running for his life chased close behind by the rancher's prize
bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it
seems likely that he'll get "horned" before he reaches safety. The
officer is clearly terrified. The old rancher throws down his tools, runs
to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

'Your badge! Show him your badge!'
 
You know you are living in 2009 if...



1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.


2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.


3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.


4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.


5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.


6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.


7 Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.


8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.


10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.


11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )


12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.


13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.


14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.


15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list


AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself.
 
Tiffany's

A lady walks into Tiffany's. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she inadvertently breaks wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam. How may I help you?"

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may not have been there just at the time of her little 'accident,' she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?"

He answers , "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit when I tell you the price!"
 
im glad i still can't remember after 50

At 78 years of age, Wally married Anne, a lovely 25 year old.
Since her new husband is so old, Anne decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected 'knock' on the door.
Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her 78 year old groom, ready for action.
They unite as one.
All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Wally.
Again he is ready for more 'action.'
Somewhat surprised, Anne consents for more coupling.
When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it..... Wally is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action.'
And, once again they enjoy each other.
But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally.'
Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Anne and says, 'You mean I was here already?'


The moral of the story:

Don't be afraid of getting old, senior moments have advantages.:rolleyes:
 
this is why we love the elderly

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.


On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.


While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'


The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'


The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'


'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.


On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'


The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'


The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'


The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.
 
the hillbilly vasectomy

After their 11th child, an Arkansas couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'

The Arkansasian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'

'Trust me,' said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!

'1'

'2'

'3'

'4'

'5'


At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.


This procedure also works in Tennessee , Kentucky , Louisiana , Alabama, Mississippi , West Virginia and Washington DC ..

i am from missouri so you might have to show Me:p
 
Your Crackn me up. :D Keep the good stuff coming. :) BTW Welcome to the over 50 club. I passed that milestone 8 1/2 yrs back, but who's countn? :)
 
Matthew 10:16 said:
Your Crackn me up. :D Keep the good stuff coming. :) BTW Welcome to the over 50 club. I passed that milestone 8 1/2 yrs back, but who's countn? :)
Click to expand...
thanks
you sure you remember:D hey the class of 69
got one more brother that still in his 40's all the rest of my family 50+
thats all of them together added up have put up with me for over 200 years
 
Her Diary vs His Diary

HER DIARY
My husband has been acting wierd today.
We had plans to meet at a bar for drinks after he got off work. I spent the day shooping with some friends so I thought perhaps he was upset as I was a little late.

He was quiet so I suggested we get a booth so we could talk. He agreed but didn't have much to say. I asked what was wrong and he said"nothing". I asked if I had done something to upset him and he responded "no".

On the way home I put my hand on his leg and told him I loved him. He did smile but did not say he loved me.

When we got home I felt as though I had totally lost him.He just sat there watching TV.
He seemed so cold and distant.

I decided to go to bed and gave him a peck on the cheek. About 15 minutes later he also came to bed. I gently caressed his back and lo and behold he responded. We made love but I still felt he was distracted. He fell asleep and I wept. I dont know what to do! I wonder if I should seek help with a counselor, maybe he would go with me. I know his thoughts are with someone else...my life is a disaster.








HIS DIARY

Damn Harley wouldn't start today but a least I got laid
 
Lousy lover

Old couple was sitting on the porch in thier rockers.
She reaches over and back hands him knocking him over backwards
He said what the hell was that for and she responded "for being a lousey over for 50 years".

He gets back up and continues to rock and then reaches over and does the same thing to her. As she is getting up she says "why did you do that"...
He says " For knowing the difference.
 
Cheating

Same old couple in same old rockers.
She asked him if he had ever cheated on her..He said yes dear I have. She wanted to know how many times. He got out of the rocker and went in the house. When he returned he had a Folgers coffee can. She said what is that for? He responded, every time I cheated I put a soy bean in the can. She grabbed the can, took the lid off and there were 3 beans in the can.
His curiiosity got the best of him so he asked the same thing of her and she reluctantly admited that yes she too had been unfaithful in thier 50 years of matrimony.
Curiosity still stirring in him, he asked how many times dear?
She got up went to the pantry and returned with a ball fruit jar. It 1 soy beans in it and explained that she had used the same method to count the encounters she had.
He said dear, I forgive you but there is only one bean in yours..are you sure there were not any others?
She said"hell when beans got to $9.00 I sold.
 
and religion can be fun

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again.

For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box ..'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that.You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said,
'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a Mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not. We can not have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And my favorite:

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins? '

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old ...I'm telling everybody.'


hopefully that didn't offend any out there:D Leo
 
15 year old boy goes into the confessional. Says he had sex with another good catholic girl from this parrish and wants forgiveness..Priest asked him if was Mary Margerite..he says no. Priest asked if him if it was Betty Elizabeth...he says no. Priest asked him if it was Cathlyn Mary...he says no.
Priest says go say three hail marys and abstain as you should.
Young man leaves and meets his buddy on the steps. Buddy asked him what the priest did to him. Young man says not much but I got three new prospects.


Hey Leo...isnt it a lot easier to just stand up and tell these instead of wearing out my fingers. I may have see doctor about carpeltunnel syndrome if I keep this up.
One joke always leads to another.
 
i have them in my e-mail archives

copy and paste thats all my wife taught me on this damn laptop
and father seifert taught me to type 30+ YEARS AGO AND i still peck with 2 fingers and keep my palms down on the key board:D
a lot of the jokes i can't type here...........:eek: Leo

"i live to laugh and laugh to live" or was that love to live BOTH:D
gotta go i think the truck is warmed up
 
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