Joke of the week

How to Sell Toothbrushes

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.

Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on

productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly,

"My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that

approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.



Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to

everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher...

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath.



Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash,

"$2,467, he said.”



"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling.”

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly

sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny,

"I set up a Dip & Chip stand, I gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog crap!"

Then I would say, "It is dog crap.. Wanna buy a toothbrush? I used the

President Obama method of giving you something shitty, but looks good,

for free, and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth."



The teacher was speechless!

Little Johnny got 5 stars for his efforts.
 
Little Johny

My Favorite Animal


Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.

I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children.

So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

Guess where I am now...
 
'the kiss'

A tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity either..

He asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"

So, a kiss he gets, long, slow, passionate..

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had.


That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"






"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"




WHO JUMPED?
 
Let's offend everyone for 2011

I had just come out of the store with two porterhouse steaks, a jumbo sausage, a bag of chips, and a 6-pack of beer. A homeless man sat there and said,

"I haven't eaten for two days." I told him,

"I wish I had your will power."





A fat girl served me food in McDonald's at lunch time. She said, 'sorry about the wait.' I said, 'don't worry fatty, you're bound to lose it eventually.'



I was behind a rather large woman at the checkout. She had on a pair of jeans that said, 'Guess.' I said, "I don't know........maybe 350 pounds."



I have a new pick up line that works every time!

It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner and I always end up in bed with them. Here's how it goes,

"Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?"





Years ago it was suggested 'that an apple a day kept the doctor away.' But since many doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best..





I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently Blacks and Mexicans were not the correct answers.
 
IN RESPONSE TO THE EMAIL CONCERNING MY DOG

Please be advised I am sick to death of receiving questions
about my dog who mauled six illegal's wearing Obama tee
shirts, four stupid Democrats wearing Pelosi tee shirts,
two rappers, five phone operators who asked me to press
#1 for English, nine teenagers with pants hanging down past
their cracks, eight customer service desk people speaking in
broken English, three flag burners, and a Pakistani taxi driver.

FOR THE LAST TIME...THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE !!!
 
A professor at the University of West Virginia,

was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions',

to his first year medical students.
...
Realizing this was not the most riveting subject,

the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said;

"Do you know what your asshole is doing, while you're having an orgasm?"

She camly replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."
 
Forgot my glasses ... Yesterday my daughter asked why I didn't do something useful with my time. She suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.


I did this and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She said "Are you nuts? You're almost 70 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.

She said to me, "You idiot, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"

I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do! I signed up for five jumps a week!

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier
 
Helga from Minnesota

It was a hot day in Minnesota.
Helga hung out the wash to dry and then went downtown to pick up some dry
cleaning.
"Gootness, it's hotter dan hell today," she mused to herself as she walked
down Main Street.
She passed a tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?"
So she walked in and took a seat at the bar. The bartender walked up and
asked her what she would like to drink.
"Ya know," Helga said in a timid voice.... "I don't usually go into bars but
today I vill make an exception...It is zo hot, I tink I'll have myself a cold beer"
"Anheuser Busch?" the bartender asked.
Helga blushed and replied, "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yur viener?"
 
Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi! Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad.... After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive!
 
More to Offend Everybody

Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?


A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat.




Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?


A. A different bar.





Q. What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby?


A. Sum Ting Wong .





Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?


A. A speech impediment.






Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?


A. Because they're not going to work in the future either.





Q. Why do Driver's Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays?


A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.





Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?


A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal ... along with a recipe.







Q. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word?


A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, 'BINGO!'





Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale???


A. A northern fairytale begins, ...'Once upon a time...'

A southern fairytale begins, ... 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit.'





Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?

A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump, or swim are already in the United States











OH! shut up ... just pass it on!
 
USMC Best Joke of the Year

A Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.
The Marine reported, I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved. and he yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying, good-for-nothing, left wing Commie who isn't even an American. So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!.
And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us.
 
Shipwrecked

A man was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi. That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get those “feelings” again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nancy and told her he hadn't had sex for months.

Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

He said, “Take the dog for a walk.”

I’m George Bush, and I approve this message.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top