- Thread starter
- #501
Pelosi passes the gavel
And as it should be.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y6sNlO1eVFU&feature=player_embedded
And as it should be.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y6sNlO1eVFU&feature=player_embedded
Joke of the week
- Thread starter mike w
- Start date
A Snake
Member #024
Old Guys Rule
I was in Lowes the other day, pushing a cart around, when I collided with a young guy also pushing his cart .
I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.
So, I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond hair, green eyes, long legs, big boobs and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"
"Hell" I said, "Doesn't matter. Let's look for yours."
Most of us old guys are helpful like that.
I was in Lowes the other day, pushing a cart around, when I collided with a young guy also pushing his cart .
I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.
So, I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond hair, green eyes, long legs, big boobs and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"
"Hell" I said, "Doesn't matter. Let's look for yours."
Most of us old guys are helpful like that.
Kerry & Kathy
Member #007
Wish this was a Joke...
Best Military Quote of the Day :
"When I joined the military it was a court martial offense to engage in homosexual activities; then it became optional. I'm getting out before Obama makes it mandatory."
----Gunnery Sgt Harry Berres, USMC
Best Military Quote of the Day :
"When I joined the military it was a court martial offense to engage in homosexual activities; then it became optional. I'm getting out before Obama makes it mandatory."
----Gunnery Sgt Harry Berres, USMC
- Thread starter
- #504
Golf Story
The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Ariel
Sharon, the Prime Minister of Israel.
"Your Holiness", said one of his Cardinals, Mr. Sharon wants to
challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and
ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."
The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never held a
golf club in his hand.
"Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?" he asked.
"None that plays very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added,
"there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a
devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, then ask
him to play Mr. Sharon as your personal representative. In
addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the
match."
Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course,
Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match,
Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the
result.
"I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness," said
Nicklaus.
"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.
"Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've
played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was
the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired
from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate
and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect,
my play was truly miraculous.
"There's bad news?", the Pope asked.
"Yes," Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by seven
strokes."
The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Ariel
Sharon, the Prime Minister of Israel.
"Your Holiness", said one of his Cardinals, Mr. Sharon wants to
challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and
ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."
The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never held a
golf club in his hand.
"Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?" he asked.
"None that plays very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added,
"there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a
devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, then ask
him to play Mr. Sharon as your personal representative. In
addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the
match."
Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course,
Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match,
Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the
result.
"I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness," said
Nicklaus.
"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.
"Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've
played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was
the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired
from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate
and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect,
my play was truly miraculous.
"There's bad news?", the Pope asked.
"Yes," Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by seven
strokes."
Kerry & Kathy
Member #007
Good Blonde Joke...
A man Was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde
Female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the
Mailbox. She opened it Then slammed It Shut and stormed
Back in the house.
A little Later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and
Again, opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house
She went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again,
Marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?'
To which she replied, 'There certainly is!'
'My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'
A man Was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde
Female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the
Mailbox. She opened it Then slammed It Shut and stormed
Back in the house.
A little Later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and
Again, opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house
She went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again,
Marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?'
To which she replied, 'There certainly is!'
'My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'
Matthew 10:16
Member # 003
I liked that one.
A Snake
Member #024
Men Are Just Happier People
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they
will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will
affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Dickhead and Shit for
Brains.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will
each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will
have anything smaller and none will actually admit they
want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the
pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she
doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush
and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's
bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of
these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of
a new argument.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets
a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets
a wife.
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money
than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a
man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will
change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't
change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the
plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the
mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to
bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children.
She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends,
favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people
living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's
no need for two people to remember the same thing.
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they
will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will
affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Dickhead and Shit for
Brains.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will
each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will
have anything smaller and none will actually admit they
want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the
pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she
doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush
and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's
bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of
these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of
a new argument.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets
a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets
a wife.
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money
than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a
man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will
change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't
change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the
plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the
mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to
bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children.
She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends,
favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people
living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's
no need for two people to remember the same thing.
- Thread starter
- #508
Cuckoo Clock
Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married.... If this does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost your sense of humor.
The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos
MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least.
Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'
When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh shit.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married.... If this does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost your sense of humor.
The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos
MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least.
Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'
When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh shit.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
- Thread starter
- #509
Some things I just can't explain
A Farmer walks into the local bar and sits down at the bar.
The Farmer mumbles, "Some things I just can't explain." The bartender, who knows the Farmer as Jim, asks, "What do you mean Jim?".
"Well, you know my old cow Betsy? I was milking her this morning and out of the blue she knocks the pail of milk over with her right back leg. So I picked up a piece of rope laying nearby and cut me off a piece. I tied her leg to the post nearby, but some things I just can't explain," Jim said.
"Jim, What do you mean by that," the Bartender asks.
"Well, I commenced to milking her again and when the pail got half full she kick it over with her left back leg. So I took the left over piece of rope and tied her other leg to another post, but some things I just can't explain," Jim added.
"Jim, tell me what it is you can't explain and I'll see if I can help," the Bartender said.
"Well, after that I went back to milking her and again I got the pail half full and I'll be darned if she didn't knock the pail over with her tail. Since I didn't have any more rope left I took off my belt and tied one end to her tail. Then I stood up on my stool and reached up to hook the buckle on a nail just above. About that time my pants fell to my ankles and my wife walks into the barn. That's what I can't explain."
A Farmer walks into the local bar and sits down at the bar.
The Farmer mumbles, "Some things I just can't explain." The bartender, who knows the Farmer as Jim, asks, "What do you mean Jim?".
"Well, you know my old cow Betsy? I was milking her this morning and out of the blue she knocks the pail of milk over with her right back leg. So I picked up a piece of rope laying nearby and cut me off a piece. I tied her leg to the post nearby, but some things I just can't explain," Jim said.
"Jim, What do you mean by that," the Bartender asks.
"Well, I commenced to milking her again and when the pail got half full she kick it over with her left back leg. So I took the left over piece of rope and tied her other leg to another post, but some things I just can't explain," Jim added.
"Jim, tell me what it is you can't explain and I'll see if I can help," the Bartender said.
"Well, after that I went back to milking her and again I got the pail half full and I'll be darned if she didn't knock the pail over with her tail. Since I didn't have any more rope left I took off my belt and tied one end to her tail. Then I stood up on my stool and reached up to hook the buckle on a nail just above. About that time my pants fell to my ankles and my wife walks into the barn. That's what I can't explain."
- Thread starter
- #510
How often can one get a lawyer to convict his own client?
You have to love this Police Officer!!!
A police motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes strides toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms.
The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.
When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.
The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole!"
Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record and he is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.
On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light.
Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"
Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."
Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"
"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."
"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"
"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."
"Aggressive and hostile?"
"Yes, Sir.”
"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for asshole?"
“Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.”
How often can one get a lawyer to convict his own client?
You have to love this Police Officer!!!
A police motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes strides toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms.
The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.
When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.
The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole!"
Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record and he is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.
On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light.
Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"
Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."
Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"
"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."
"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"
"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."
"Aggressive and hostile?"
"Yes, Sir.”
"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for asshole?"
“Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.”
How often can one get a lawyer to convict his own client?
Kerry & Kathy
Member #007
Being Tight with GOD...
A 92-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, 'Henry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?'
Henry replies, 'God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it for when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, *poof*!, the light goes on. When I'm done, *poof*!, the light goes off.'
'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Henry's wife. ' Ginger ,' he says, 'Henry is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof *!, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, *poof*! the light goes off?'
'OH MY GOD!' Ginger exclaims. 'He's peeing in the fridge again!!!!'
A 92-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, 'Henry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?'
Henry replies, 'God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it for when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, *poof*!, the light goes on. When I'm done, *poof*!, the light goes off.'
'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Henry's wife. ' Ginger ,' he says, 'Henry is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof *!, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, *poof*! the light goes off?'
'OH MY GOD!' Ginger exclaims. 'He's peeing in the fridge again!!!!'
- Thread starter
- #512
Shame this really didn't happen
Sorry guys but I am a dog lover and in bad taste for the N F L to let him come back
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NbZSmPUiYCI&feature=channel
Sorry guys but I am a dog lover and in bad taste for the N F L to let him come back
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NbZSmPUiYCI&feature=channel
Kerry & Kathy
Member #007
Enjoy....
How many times have you wished...?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RCnir5KlXEw&feature=player_embedded#t=0s
And on a more serious note...written by the same songwritter of the above parody, Chuck Brodsky:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0q8CHJ3i1Aw&feature=related
How many times have you wished...?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RCnir5KlXEw&feature=player_embedded#t=0s
And on a more serious note...written by the same songwritter of the above parody, Chuck Brodsky:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0q8CHJ3i1Aw&feature=related
Last edited:
- Thread starter
- #514
Old ed the hen
Ed came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ed.'
Ed was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'
St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'
Ed was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home....
The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'
'Not bad,' replied Ed the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'
'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'
'Never,' said Ed.
'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'
He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood.
He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard......
"Ed, wake up! You just shit in the bed!"
Getting OLD just ain't what they said it would be!
Ed came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ed.'
Ed was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'
St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'
Ed was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home....
The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'
'Not bad,' replied Ed the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'
'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'
'Never,' said Ed.
'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'
He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood.
He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard......
"Ed, wake up! You just shit in the bed!"
Getting OLD just ain't what they said it would be!
- Thread starter
- #515
The Welfare Check
A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2010 Mercedes-Benz CL550 and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have to, as part of your job assignment, satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed said, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well ... You started it."
A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2010 Mercedes-Benz CL550 and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have to, as part of your job assignment, satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed said, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well ... You started it."
Matthew 10:16
Member # 003
2 good ones in a row.
- Thread starter
- #517
Negative People
This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade.
So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.
----------------------------------------------------------------
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her
hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband..
She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who
responded:
" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty... You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser..
"That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further... I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.
Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class... The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really! What'd he say?"
He said:
"Who the Hell did your hair?"
This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade.
So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.
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A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her
hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband..
She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who
responded:
" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty... You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser..
"That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further... I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.
Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class... The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really! What'd he say?"
He said:
"Who the Hell did your hair?"
- Thread starter
- #518
The undertaker's black eye
Roy, an undertaker, recently came home with a black eye.
"What happened to you?" asked his wife.
"I had a terrible day." replied Roy . "I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection.
Anyway, I went up and, sure enough, there was this big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection.
So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half."
"I see" said his wife, "that must have been awful, but how did you get the black eye?"
Roy replied: " Wrong room ."
Roy, an undertaker, recently came home with a black eye.
"What happened to you?" asked his wife.
"I had a terrible day." replied Roy . "I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection.
Anyway, I went up and, sure enough, there was this big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection.
So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half."
"I see" said his wife, "that must have been awful, but how did you get the black eye?"
Roy replied: " Wrong room ."
Matthew 10:16
Member # 003
Thank God for Roy that he only got a black eye. Can you imagine what he would've gotten if the guy would have been gay? 
- Thread starter
- #520
Twelve Italian priests
Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained.
The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction.
She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos.
Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.
Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest. He bent over to pick it up .... and all the other bells started to ring.
Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained.
The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction.
She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos.
Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.
Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest. He bent over to pick it up .... and all the other bells started to ring.