Joke of the week

Did you ever wonder why earrings became so popular with men?

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense"

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found one in my truck."
:eek:


Yep, I always wondered how this trend got started !!!!!
 
One day in the future

Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies.

He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.

In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the door of the next room.

In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Obama.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said...


(This is priceless...)

"OK, Monica, you're free to go."
:eek::eek:
 
'Human beings are the only animals that stutter

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says.

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked
the girl to describe the incident.

'Well,' she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler
that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped
over the fence into our yard!'

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.

'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised her back, went 'Sssss,
Sssss, Sssss' and before she could say 'Shit,' the Rottweiler ate her!'
:eek:
 
CIA Job Opening

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA supervisor took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.'

'Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . . Kill her!!'
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'
The supervisor said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'
The supervisor said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn.. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.
'This gun was loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'

MORAL:
Women are crazy.
Don't mess with them.

:eek:
 
What are the only bees that scare young boys on Halloween?

Wait for it....
Wait for it....



Boo--Bees!

Really bad isn't it?!?
 
A MARINE made a mistake

The train was quite crowded and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat.

There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed French woman, but when he got there, he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog.

"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone defend me! Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.

You hold the fork in the wrong hand.

You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.

And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
:eek:
 
Circle Flies

Circle Flies...



A farmer got pulled over by state trooper Jon for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, trooper Jon got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"

Trooper Jon stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if thats what they are. I never heard of circle flies."

So the farmer said, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper said, "Oh," and went back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stopped and said, "Hey, wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses ass?"

"Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think aobut calling you a horses ass."

Trooper Jon said, "Well, that's a good thing," and went back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer said "Hard to fool them flies though."

:eek:
 
A young man and his friend from Florida just crossed the state line into Illinois. A trooper pulled them over and walked up to the drivers side and motioned for the driver to put the window down. As soon as the window was down the trooper smacked the driver up side the head with his nite stick. The driver asked what that was all about and the trooper told him, you in Illinois boy...when you are pulled over, you have your license, ins card and registration ready for the trooper. He wrote him a ticket and proceeded to the passenger side and motioned for the window to be lowered. Same scenerio, smacked the passenger. Passenger says what the hell was that for? Trooper explains that he just made his wish come true. He says what wish is that. Trooper says, couple of miles down the road you would have told your friend, I wish he would have tried that shit with me.
 
The 'Final Election'

While walking down the street one day a corrupt Senator was
tragically hit by a car and died.


His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.


"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it
seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts,
you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."


"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator..


"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do
is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose
where to spend eternity."


"Really?, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the
Senator.


"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."


And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down,
down to hell.


The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In
the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends
and other politicians who had worked with him.


Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his
hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the
expense of the people. They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on
lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.


Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a
good time dancing and telling jokes.


They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it
is time to go.


Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...


The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter
is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven.."


So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls
moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good
time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter
returns.


"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now
choose your eternity."


The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never
have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would
be better off in hell."


So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to
hell..


Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land
covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags,
picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from
above.


The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.


"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was
here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and
caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a
wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"


The devil smiles at him and says,
"Yesterday we were campaigning, Today, you voted.."
 
The bear

A Priest, a Pentecostal Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of University of Toronto. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages on his body and limbs, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an IV drip in his arm, and both legs in casts. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he exclaimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with monitors and IV's running in and out of him. He was in real bad shape.

The Rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start..."

:eek:
 
2 garbage bags

A little old lady was walking down the street
dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.
One of the bags ripped, and every once in a while a
$20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this,
a policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am,
there are $20 bills falling out of your bag."
"Oh, really? Darn!" said the little old lady. "I'd better
go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me.
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop.
"How did you get all that money?" "You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no", said the little old lady. "You see, my back yard
is right next to the football stadium parking lot.
On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence
into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence
with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his
business through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes'.
"Well, that seems only fair" laughs the cop. "OK. Good
luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well, you know", "not everybody pays".

:eek:
 
Praise The Lord...

During the service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for prayers which had been answered.

A lady stood up and came forward. She said, "I have a reason to thank the Lord. Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.

She continued, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if any one else had anything to say. A man rose and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Jim and I would like to tell my wife, the word is "sternum."
:eek:
 
Geographic marriages do make a difference

Three friends married women from different parts of the country.....

The first man married a woman from Utah . He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.


The second man married a woman from California. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.


The third man married a girl from Chicago . He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.
 
LITTLE KEVIN WAS IN HIS 5TH GRADE CLASS WHEN THE TEACHER ASKED THE CHILDREN WHAT THEIR FATHERS DID FOR A LIVING.



ALL THE TYPICAL ANSWERS CAME UP: FIREMAN, POLICEMAN, SALESMAN, ETC. KEVIN WAS BEING QUIET, SO THE TEACHER ASKED HIM ABOUT HIS FATHER. LITTLE KEVIN SAYS: "MY FATHER'S AN EXOTIC DANCER IN A GAY BAR AND TAKES OFF ALL HIS CLOTHES IN FRONT OF OTHER MEN. SOMETIMES, IF THE OFFERS REALLY GOOD, HE'LL GO OUT TO THE ALLEY WITH SOME GUY AND MAKE LOVE WITH HIM FOR MONEY."



THE TEACHER, OBVIOUSLY SHAKEN BY THIS STATEMENT, HURRIEDLY SET THEOTHERCHILDREN TO WORK ON SOME COLORING AND TOOK LITTLE KEVIN ASIDE TO ASK HIM: "IS THAT REALLY TRUE ABOUT YOUR FATHER?"

KEVIN SAID: "NO, HE PLAYS FOOTBALL FOR THE St LOUIS RAMS, BUT I WAS TOO EMBARRASSED TO SAY THAT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER KIDS!"
 
The Dog Sitter

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat" agreed to look after, and house, her neighbor’s male dog while they were away on vacation.

She had a large house and believed that she could keep them apart, but as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds.
She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when they mate.

Unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next, she called the vet, although it was late. The vet answered in a very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said. "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"It just worked for me" he replied.
:eek:
 
Some people have all the luck

If this does not touch your heart, then you just don't have one.

An incredible story of luck and inspiration!


Can you believe it? This guy, Ade Taylor, wins $181 million in the lottery last Wednesday, and then finds the love of his life just 2 days later.
 
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