Matthew 10:16
Member # 003
Hey Snakey I thought only Mikey was good at tellin jokes around here. 
Good one.
Good one. 
Joke of the week
- Thread starter mike w
- Start date
A Snake
Member #024
A Bad Day
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve;
then you, you jack-ass, show up and drink the whole thing!
But enough about me, how's your day going?"
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve;
then you, you jack-ass, show up and drink the whole thing!
But enough about me, how's your day going?"
A Snake
Member #024
I met a genie today that would grant me one wish.
"I want to live forever," I said.
"Sorry" said the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"
"Fine," I said, "I want to die after the Democrats get thier heads
out of thier asses"
"You crafty bastard," said the genie.
"I want to live forever," I said.
"Sorry" said the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"
"Fine," I said, "I want to die after the Democrats get thier heads
out of thier asses"
"You crafty bastard," said the genie.
Matthew 10:16
Member # 003
I like the one about the "trouble making biker." 
I think reads even better if ya change it to "trouble making lawyer." 
I think reads even better if ya change it to "trouble making lawyer."
Last edited:
A Snake
Member #024
So you think your job stinks
When you have an 'I Hate My Job day'
[Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days]
Try this out:
Stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson.
Be very sure you get this brand.
When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.
Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer.
Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Now the fun part begins.
Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:
"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized."
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,' I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.'
HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS!
...Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart... Then you are just an old sour fart;
Maybe you should go and work for Johnson and Johnson
Enjoy life now - It has an expiration date!
When you have an 'I Hate My Job day'
[Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days]
Try this out:
Stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson.
Be very sure you get this brand.
When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.
Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer.
Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Now the fun part begins.
Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:
"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized."
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,' I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.'
HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS!
...Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart... Then you are just an old sour fart;
Maybe you should go and work for Johnson and Johnson
Enjoy life now - It has an expiration date!
Kerry & Kathy
Member #007
A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a scrubby Mexican
refugee Outside an Arizona immigration office.
"Good man," the fairy said, "I've been sent here
by President Obama and told to grant you three wishes,
since you just arrived in the United States with
your wife and eight children."
The man told the fairy, "Well, where I come
from we don't have the good teeth, so I want new teeth,
maybe a lot of gold in them."
The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin
and -- PING!--
he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his
mouth!
"What else?" asked the fairy, "Two more to go."
The refugee claimant now got bolder. "I need
a big house with a three car garage in Phoenix on the
water with eight bedrooms for my family. And the rest
of my relatives who still live in my country, I
want to bring them all over here" - -
and -- PING!--
in the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion
with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout
patio with a BBQ in an upscale neighborhood overlooking
the water.
"One more wish", said the fairy, waving her wand.
"Yes, one more wish. I want to be like an
American with American clothes instead of these
torn clothes, and a baseball cap instead of
This sombrero. And I want to have white skin
like Americans" ---
and ---PING!
The man was transformed - wearing worn out jeans,
a Diamond-Backs T-shirt and a baseball cap. He
had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared
from the horizon.
"What happened to my new teeth?" He wailed,
"Where is my new house?"
The fairy said:
"Tough $hit, Amigo. Now that you are a White American,
you have to fend for yourself."
refugee Outside an Arizona immigration office.
"Good man," the fairy said, "I've been sent here
by President Obama and told to grant you three wishes,
since you just arrived in the United States with
your wife and eight children."
The man told the fairy, "Well, where I come
from we don't have the good teeth, so I want new teeth,
maybe a lot of gold in them."
The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin
and -- PING!--
he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his
mouth!
"What else?" asked the fairy, "Two more to go."
The refugee claimant now got bolder. "I need
a big house with a three car garage in Phoenix on the
water with eight bedrooms for my family. And the rest
of my relatives who still live in my country, I
want to bring them all over here" - -
and -- PING!--
in the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion
with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout
patio with a BBQ in an upscale neighborhood overlooking
the water.
"One more wish", said the fairy, waving her wand.
"Yes, one more wish. I want to be like an
American with American clothes instead of these
torn clothes, and a baseball cap instead of
This sombrero. And I want to have white skin
like Americans" ---
and ---PING!
The man was transformed - wearing worn out jeans,
a Diamond-Backs T-shirt and a baseball cap. He
had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared
from the horizon.
"What happened to my new teeth?" He wailed,
"Where is my new house?"
The fairy said:
"Tough $hit, Amigo. Now that you are a White American,
you have to fend for yourself."
Kerry & Kathy
Member #007
Ok...this is actually a very old joke retold for a new administration.
But it IS funny....
For those of you who have never traveled to the west, or southwest, cattle guards are horizontal steel rails placed at fence openings, in dug-out places in the roads adjacent to highways (sometimes across highways), to prevent cattle from crossing over that area. For some reason the cattle will not step on the "guards," probably because they fear getting their feet caught between the rails.
A few months ago, President Obama received and was reading a report that there were over 100,000 cattle guards in Colorado .
The Colorado ranchers had protested his proposed changes in grazing policies, so in retribution he ordered the Secretary of the Interior to fire half of the “cattle” guards immediately!!
Before the Secretary of the Interior could respond and presumably try to straighten President Obama out on the matter, Vice-President, Joe Biden, intervened with a request that…. before any “cattle” guards were fired, they be given six months of retraining as Arizona border guards.
'Times are hard', said Joe Biden, 'it's only fair to the cattle guards and their families!'
But it IS funny....
For those of you who have never traveled to the west, or southwest, cattle guards are horizontal steel rails placed at fence openings, in dug-out places in the roads adjacent to highways (sometimes across highways), to prevent cattle from crossing over that area. For some reason the cattle will not step on the "guards," probably because they fear getting their feet caught between the rails.
A few months ago, President Obama received and was reading a report that there were over 100,000 cattle guards in Colorado .
The Colorado ranchers had protested his proposed changes in grazing policies, so in retribution he ordered the Secretary of the Interior to fire half of the “cattle” guards immediately!!
Before the Secretary of the Interior could respond and presumably try to straighten President Obama out on the matter, Vice-President, Joe Biden, intervened with a request that…. before any “cattle” guards were fired, they be given six months of retraining as Arizona border guards.
'Times are hard', said Joe Biden, 'it's only fair to the cattle guards and their families!'
- Thread starter
- #448
Chicago Cub Zingers
No matter how the Cardinals end this season, at least we can always make fun of the Cubs.
Twenty major events that have occurred since the Chicago Cubs last laid claim to a World Series championship:
1. Radio was invented; Cubs fans got to hear their team lose.
2. TV was invented; Cubs fans got to see their team lose.
3. Baseball added 14 teams; Cubs fans get to see and hear their team lose to more clubs.
4. George Burns celebrated his 10th, 20th, 30th, 40th, 50th, 60th, 70th, 80th, 90th and 100th birthdays.
5. Haley's Comet passed Earth -- twice.
6. Harry Caray was born....and died.
7. The NBA, NHL and NFL were formed, and Chicago teams won championships in each league.
8. Man landed on the moon, as have several home runs given up by Cubs pitchers.
9. Sixteen U.S. presidents were elected.
10. There were 11 amendments added to the Constitution.
11. Prohibition was created and repealed.
12. The Titanic was built, set sail, sank, was discovered and became the subject of major motion pictures, the latest giving Cubs fans hope that something that finishes on the bottom can come out on top.
13. Wrigley Field was built and became the oldest park in the National League.
14. Flag poles were erected on Wrigley Field roof to hold all of the team's future World Series pennants. Those flag poles have since rusted and been taken down.
15. A combination of 40 Summer and Winter Olympics have been held.
16. Thirteen baseball players have won the Triple Crown; several thanked Cubs pitchers.
17. Bell-bottoms came in style went out of style and came back in.
18. The Chicago White Sox, Cleveland Indians, Boston Red Sox and the Florida Marlins have all won the World Series.
19. The Cubs played 14,153 regular-season games; they lost the majority of them.
20. Alaska, Arizona, Hawaii, Oklahoma and New Mexico were added to the Union.
Great quotes in Cubs history:
"Noise pollution can't be that much of a problem [at Wrigley]. There's nothing to cheer about."
--State rep. John F. Dunn, arguing for the installation of lights at Wrigley Field
"If I managed the Cubs, I'd be an alcoholic." -- Whitey Herzog
"There's nothing wrong with this team that more pitching, more fielding and more hitting couldn't help." -- Bill Buckner
"You get tired of looking at garbage in your own backyard." – Cubs manager Lee Elia in 1983 about why the Cubs got rid of so many players. Elia was fired later that same season.
"The Cubs were taking batting practice, and the pitching machine threw a no-hitter." - Radio deejay
"The only bad thing about being released by the Cubs is that they made me keep my season tickets." - Ken Rietz, ex-Cub third baseman.
"Would the lady who left her nine kids at Wrigley Field please pick them up immediately? They are beating the Cubs 4-0 in the 7th inning." - Radio Deejay.
"One thing you learn as a Cubs fan: When you bought your ticket, you could bank on seeing the bottom of the ninth." - Joe Garagiola
"The Chicago Cubs are like Rush Street - a lot of singles, but no action ." - Garagiola again.
Q: Did you hear about the new Cubs soup?
A: Two sips and then you choke.
No matter how the Cardinals end this season, at least we can always make fun of the Cubs.
Twenty major events that have occurred since the Chicago Cubs last laid claim to a World Series championship:
1. Radio was invented; Cubs fans got to hear their team lose.
2. TV was invented; Cubs fans got to see their team lose.
3. Baseball added 14 teams; Cubs fans get to see and hear their team lose to more clubs.
4. George Burns celebrated his 10th, 20th, 30th, 40th, 50th, 60th, 70th, 80th, 90th and 100th birthdays.
5. Haley's Comet passed Earth -- twice.
6. Harry Caray was born....and died.
7. The NBA, NHL and NFL were formed, and Chicago teams won championships in each league.
8. Man landed on the moon, as have several home runs given up by Cubs pitchers.
9. Sixteen U.S. presidents were elected.
10. There were 11 amendments added to the Constitution.
11. Prohibition was created and repealed.
12. The Titanic was built, set sail, sank, was discovered and became the subject of major motion pictures, the latest giving Cubs fans hope that something that finishes on the bottom can come out on top.
13. Wrigley Field was built and became the oldest park in the National League.
14. Flag poles were erected on Wrigley Field roof to hold all of the team's future World Series pennants. Those flag poles have since rusted and been taken down.
15. A combination of 40 Summer and Winter Olympics have been held.
16. Thirteen baseball players have won the Triple Crown; several thanked Cubs pitchers.
17. Bell-bottoms came in style went out of style and came back in.
18. The Chicago White Sox, Cleveland Indians, Boston Red Sox and the Florida Marlins have all won the World Series.
19. The Cubs played 14,153 regular-season games; they lost the majority of them.
20. Alaska, Arizona, Hawaii, Oklahoma and New Mexico were added to the Union.
Great quotes in Cubs history:
"Noise pollution can't be that much of a problem [at Wrigley]. There's nothing to cheer about."
--State rep. John F. Dunn, arguing for the installation of lights at Wrigley Field
"If I managed the Cubs, I'd be an alcoholic." -- Whitey Herzog
"There's nothing wrong with this team that more pitching, more fielding and more hitting couldn't help." -- Bill Buckner
"You get tired of looking at garbage in your own backyard." – Cubs manager Lee Elia in 1983 about why the Cubs got rid of so many players. Elia was fired later that same season.
"The Cubs were taking batting practice, and the pitching machine threw a no-hitter." - Radio deejay
"The only bad thing about being released by the Cubs is that they made me keep my season tickets." - Ken Rietz, ex-Cub third baseman.
"Would the lady who left her nine kids at Wrigley Field please pick them up immediately? They are beating the Cubs 4-0 in the 7th inning." - Radio Deejay.
"One thing you learn as a Cubs fan: When you bought your ticket, you could bank on seeing the bottom of the ninth." - Joe Garagiola
"The Chicago Cubs are like Rush Street - a lot of singles, but no action ." - Garagiola again.
Q: Did you hear about the new Cubs soup?
A: Two sips and then you choke.
- Thread starter
- #449
Hell Let's Just Offend Everyone
I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days' I told him 'I wish I had your f**king will power'
Top tip; if you’re camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex...Wish me luck; I appear in court next Monday.
I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today.. Apparently the instruction 'finish off on her face' didn't mean what I thought it did.'
A fat girl served me food in McDonalds at lunch time. She said, 'sorry about the wait.' I said, 'don't worry fatty, you’re bound to lose it eventually.'
Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I thought to myself "fat chance" with a face like that!'
Years ago it was suggested 'that an apple a day kept the doctor away.' But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!
I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and “Mexicans” were not the correct answers.
I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days' I told him 'I wish I had your f**king will power'
Top tip; if you’re camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex...Wish me luck; I appear in court next Monday.
I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today.. Apparently the instruction 'finish off on her face' didn't mean what I thought it did.'
A fat girl served me food in McDonalds at lunch time. She said, 'sorry about the wait.' I said, 'don't worry fatty, you’re bound to lose it eventually.'
Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I thought to myself "fat chance" with a face like that!'
Years ago it was suggested 'that an apple a day kept the doctor away.' But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!
I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and “Mexicans” were not the correct answers.
- Thread starter
- #450
Slow EMS response here, locally
Slow EMS response here, locally
I saw a Muslim fall into the Moline Creek this morning and being a responsible citizen, I informed the emergency services.
It's 6:00 PM and they still haven't responded!
I'm now starting to think I've wasted a freakin' stamp !
Slow EMS response here, locally
I saw a Muslim fall into the Moline Creek this morning and being a responsible citizen, I informed the emergency services.
It's 6:00 PM and they still haven't responded!
I'm now starting to think I've wasted a freakin' stamp !
- Thread starter
- #451
Did you all get your ring in the mail
"I promise 100% transparency in my administration."
"I promise NO NEW TAXES on a family making less than $250K a year."
"I will allow 5 days of public comment before I sign any bills."
"I will remove earmarks for PORK projects before I sign any bill."
"I will end Income Tax for seniors making less than $50K a year"
"I'll put the Health Care negotiations on CSPAN so everyone can see who is at the table!"
"I'll have no lobbyists in my administration"
Did you get yours yet?????
The Obama Bull shit decoder ring
Me, neither. Demand is too great...
"I promise 100% transparency in my administration."
"I promise NO NEW TAXES on a family making less than $250K a year."
"I will allow 5 days of public comment before I sign any bills."
"I will remove earmarks for PORK projects before I sign any bill."
"I will end Income Tax for seniors making less than $50K a year"
"I'll put the Health Care negotiations on CSPAN so everyone can see who is at the table!"
"I'll have no lobbyists in my administration"
Did you get yours yet?????
The Obama Bull shit decoder ring
Me, neither. Demand is too great...
A Snake
Member #024
King Arthur and the Witch:
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.
But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.
The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur
He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
What would YOU do?
What Lancelot chose is below.
BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below.
OKAY?
Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now....what is the moral to this story?
The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.
But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.
The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur
He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
What would YOU do?
What Lancelot chose is below.
BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below.
OKAY?
Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now....what is the moral to this story?
The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly
A Snake
Member #024
A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure a very
attractive nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to take all
of his clothes off. When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down
on the table. The man obeys. The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and
climbs on top and has her way with him.
Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks what that
was all about. The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that
before a vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed
and that the vasectomy is easier for the surgeon to locate and sever,
thereby making the surgery safer, more efficient and quicker.
The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room. While they are
going down the hall the patient looks through a window to the right and sees
six men in a room masturbating.
Curious, the man asks "What are they doing in there"?
The nurse responds, "They are getting vasectomies too, but you have Blue
Cross and they have ObamaCare."
attractive nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to take all
of his clothes off. When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down
on the table. The man obeys. The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and
climbs on top and has her way with him.
Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks what that
was all about. The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that
before a vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed
and that the vasectomy is easier for the surgeon to locate and sever,
thereby making the surgery safer, more efficient and quicker.
The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room. While they are
going down the hall the patient looks through a window to the right and sees
six men in a room masturbating.
Curious, the man asks "What are they doing in there"?
The nurse responds, "They are getting vasectomies too, but you have Blue
Cross and they have ObamaCare."
A Snake
Member #024
John was in the fertilized egg business.
He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Vote carefully next year, the bells are not always audible.
He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Vote carefully next year, the bells are not always audible.
Matthew 10:16
Member # 003
Nice work Snakey. 
I liked the King Arthur one a lot.
I liked the King Arthur one a lot. - Thread starter
- #456
Keep them coming good job I too liked the King Arthur one - GOOD JOB SNAKE
- Thread starter
- #457
A message from your president
1 Of his new speeches on the way.
1 Of his new speeches on the way.
- Thread starter
- #458
Texas Bank Robber
A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a
sack full of cash.
On his way out the door, a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and
pulled it off revealing the robber's face. The robber shot the customer
without a moment's hesitation.
He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking
straight at him.
The robber instantly shot him also. Everyone else, by now very scared,
looked intently down at the floor in silence.
The robber yelled, 'Well, did anyone else see my face?'
There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly
afraid to speak.
Then, one old cowboy tentatively raised his hand, and while keeping his
head down said, 'My wife got a pretty good look at you.'
A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a
sack full of cash.
On his way out the door, a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and
pulled it off revealing the robber's face. The robber shot the customer
without a moment's hesitation.
He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking
straight at him.
The robber instantly shot him also. Everyone else, by now very scared,
looked intently down at the floor in silence.
The robber yelled, 'Well, did anyone else see my face?'
There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly
afraid to speak.
Then, one old cowboy tentatively raised his hand, and while keeping his
head down said, 'My wife got a pretty good look at you.'
- Thread starter
- #459
Redneck Wins Again
The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semifinalists:
A Yale graduate, and a redneck from Wyoming. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu".
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels, two by two
Destination-Timbuktu.
The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought.
The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
Me and Tim a huntin went
Met three whores in a pop-up tent
They was three, and we was two
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.
The redneck won hands down!
The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semifinalists:A Yale graduate, and a redneck from Wyoming. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu".
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels, two by two
Destination-Timbuktu.
The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought.
The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
Me and Tim a huntin went
Met three whores in a pop-up tent
They was three, and we was two
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.
The redneck won hands down!
- Thread starter
- #460
History of the Middle Finger
I never knew this before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified.
Isn't history more fun when you know something about it?
Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as 'plucking the yew' (or 'pluck yew').
Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, "See, we can still pluck yew!" Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative 'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute! It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as 'giving the bird.'
IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TO THE FRENCH TODAY!
And yew thought yew knew
every plucking thing!
I never knew this before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified.
Isn't history more fun when you know something about it?
Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as 'plucking the yew' (or 'pluck yew').
Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, "See, we can still pluck yew!" Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative 'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute! It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as 'giving the bird.'
IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TO THE FRENCH TODAY!
And yew thought yew knew
every plucking thing!