Matthew 10:16
Member # 003
Did you here that Danny?
Let him have it Danny. 
Tell him him he's full of Furds (Turds). 
Joke of the week
- Thread starter mike w
- Start date
Did you here that Danny?
Let him have it Danny. Tell him him he's full of Furds (Turds). 
- Thread starter
- #422
The economy is so bad that…
…I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
…African television stations are now showing 'Sponsor an American Child ' commercials!
…I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"
…CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
…Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
…My ATM gave me an IOU!
…I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.
…I bought a toaster oven and my free gift with purchase was a bank.
…If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
…McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
…Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
…My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!
…A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .
…Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
…A picture is now only worth 200 words.
…They renamed Wall Street "Wal-Mart Street ."
…When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
…The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
…Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!
.....I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck...
…I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
…African television stations are now showing 'Sponsor an American Child ' commercials!
…I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"
…CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
…Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
…My ATM gave me an IOU!
…I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.
…I bought a toaster oven and my free gift with purchase was a bank.
…If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
…McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
…Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
…My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!
…A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .
…Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
…A picture is now only worth 200 words.
…They renamed Wall Street "Wal-Mart Street ."
…When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
…The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
…Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!
.....I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck...
Matthew 10:16
Member # 003
Just when I thought you couldn't get any funnier..........you did it! You're insane & I love it! Keep em comin Mikey. 
You're insane & I love it! Keep em comin Mikey. - Thread starter
- #424
Another twist
Best Bar Joke Ever
>
> Guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender.
> The robot says, "What will you have?"
> The guy says, "Martini."
> The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man,
> "What's your IQ?"
> The guy says, 168."
>
> The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and
> medical technology.
> The guy leaves, but he is curious...
> So he goes back into the bar.
> The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"
> The guy says, "Martini."
> Again, the robot makes a great martini gives it to the man and
> says, "What's your IQ?"
> The guy says, “100."
> The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser and John Deere
> tractors.
>
> The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will
> try it one more time.
> He goes back into the bar.
> The robot says, "What will you have?"
> The guy says, "Martini," and the robot brings him another great martini.
> The robot then says, “What's your IQ?"
> The guy says, “Uh, about 60."
>
> The robot leans in real close and says,
> "So, you people still happy you voted for Obama?"
Best Bar Joke Ever
>
> Guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender.
> The robot says, "What will you have?"
> The guy says, "Martini."
> The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man,
> "What's your IQ?"
> The guy says, 168."
>
> The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and
> medical technology.
> The guy leaves, but he is curious...
> So he goes back into the bar.
> The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"
> The guy says, "Martini."
> Again, the robot makes a great martini gives it to the man and
> says, "What's your IQ?"
> The guy says, “100."
> The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser and John Deere
> tractors.
>
> The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will
> try it one more time.
> He goes back into the bar.
> The robot says, "What will you have?"
> The guy says, "Martini," and the robot brings him another great martini.
> The robot then says, “What's your IQ?"
> The guy says, “Uh, about 60."
>
> The robot leans in real close and says,
> "So, you people still happy you voted for Obama?"
- Thread starter
- #425
Two brothers 1 good 1 evil
Once upon a time there were two brothers. One brother was very mischievous, always getting into trouble. The other brother, however, was very good. He was always kind to animals, helped elderly neighbors, and led an exemplary life.....
As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never close. The evil brother became a heavy drinker and a womanizer. The other brother was a devoted husband and father and supported many charities.
One day the evil brother died. Then, after a few years, the good brother passed away. He went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy afterlife.
One day he went to God and asked, "Where is my brother? He died before me, but I have not seen him here in heaven."
God replied, "As you know, your brother led an evil life, so he is not spending eternity here in heaven. He has been sent elsewhere ."
I'm sorry to hear that", the good brother replied. "But I do miss him and wish I could see him again."
"You can see him if you wish," God said. "I will give you the power to gaze into hell."
So the power was granted and the good brother gazed into hell. Before long he saw his brother sitting on a bench. In one arm he held a keg of beer, and in the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde.
The good brother turned to God and said, "I can't believe what I'm seeing. I have found my brother, and he has a keg of beer in one arm and a beautiful woman in the other. Surely, hell can not be that bad."
God explained. "Things are not always as they seem, my son. The keg has a hole in it. The blonde doesn't."
Once upon a time there were two brothers. One brother was very mischievous, always getting into trouble. The other brother, however, was very good. He was always kind to animals, helped elderly neighbors, and led an exemplary life.....
As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never close. The evil brother became a heavy drinker and a womanizer. The other brother was a devoted husband and father and supported many charities.
One day the evil brother died. Then, after a few years, the good brother passed away. He went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy afterlife.
One day he went to God and asked, "Where is my brother? He died before me, but I have not seen him here in heaven."
God replied, "As you know, your brother led an evil life, so he is not spending eternity here in heaven. He has been sent elsewhere ."
I'm sorry to hear that", the good brother replied. "But I do miss him and wish I could see him again."
"You can see him if you wish," God said. "I will give you the power to gaze into hell."
So the power was granted and the good brother gazed into hell. Before long he saw his brother sitting on a bench. In one arm he held a keg of beer, and in the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde.
The good brother turned to God and said, "I can't believe what I'm seeing. I have found my brother, and he has a keg of beer in one arm and a beautiful woman in the other. Surely, hell can not be that bad."
God explained. "Things are not always as they seem, my son. The keg has a hole in it. The blonde doesn't."
Matthew 10:16
Member # 003
You're NUTS!- Thread starter
- #427
Weenie test
Three 3rd Graders: an Irish kid, an Italian kid and a Black kid, are on the playground at recess. The Irish kid suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest weenie," he says.
"Okay." They all agree.
The Irish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.
"That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out, and proudly shows that his is at least an inch longer.
Not to be outdone, the Black kid whips his out. It is by far, not only the biggest, but the fattest.
That night, eating dinner at home, the Black kid's mother asks him what he did at school today.
"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test, and read out loud from a new book, and then during recess, my friends and I played a new game called 'Let's see who has the largest weenie."
"What kind of game is that, honey?" asks the mother.
"Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies, and I had the biggest! The other kids say it's because I'm Black. Is that true?"
"No, Leroy.
It's because you're eighteen!"
Three 3rd Graders: an Irish kid, an Italian kid and a Black kid, are on the playground at recess. The Irish kid suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest weenie," he says.
"Okay." They all agree.
The Irish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.
"That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out, and proudly shows that his is at least an inch longer.
Not to be outdone, the Black kid whips his out. It is by far, not only the biggest, but the fattest.
That night, eating dinner at home, the Black kid's mother asks him what he did at school today.
"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test, and read out loud from a new book, and then during recess, my friends and I played a new game called 'Let's see who has the largest weenie."
"What kind of game is that, honey?" asks the mother.
"Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies, and I had the biggest! The other kids say it's because I'm Black. Is that true?"
"No, Leroy.
It's because you're eighteen!"
- Thread starter
- #428
Couldn't resist
The hole is plugged
The hole is plugged
- Thread starter
- #429
Counseling
Eileen and her husband Bob went for counseling after 25 years of Marriage. When asked what the problem was, Eileen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Eileen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband Bob watched with a raised eyebrow!
Eileen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused.
The therapist turned to Bob and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week.. Can you do this?'
Bob thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.
Eileen and her husband Bob went for counseling after 25 years of Marriage. When asked what the problem was, Eileen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Eileen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband Bob watched with a raised eyebrow!
Eileen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused.
The therapist turned to Bob and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week.. Can you do this?'
Bob thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.
- Thread starter
- #430
Finally a mug shot of Butch the Rooster
Finally a mug shot of Butch the Rooster
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A rooster always reminds me of a politician.
Old Butch
John was in the fertilized egg business.
He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Vote carefully next year, the bells are not always audible.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Finally a mug shot of Butch the Rooster
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A rooster always reminds me of a politician.
Old Butch
John was in the fertilized egg business.
He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Vote carefully next year, the bells are not always audible.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hotmail has tools for the New Busy. Search, chat and e-mail from your inbox. Learn more.
- Thread starter
- #431
Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream "racism" these days.
So, a customer asks, "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"
The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"
The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask YOU something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I were Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I were German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I were Jewish?
Or, if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I were Mexican?
If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I were Irish?"
The clerk says, "Well, no, I probably wouldn't!"
With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says,
"Well, then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish; because I asked for Polish sausage??"
The clerk replied, "No, because you're in Home Depot."
So, a customer asks, "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"
The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"
The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask YOU something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I were Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I were German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I were Jewish?
Or, if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I were Mexican?
If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I were Irish?"
The clerk says, "Well, no, I probably wouldn't!"
With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says,
"Well, then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish; because I asked for Polish sausage??"
The clerk replied, "No, because you're in Home Depot."
Matthew 10:16
Member # 003
I liked that one! Thanks I needed that.
- Thread starter
- #433
The Class Reunion Lunch
Rachel, Clare and Samantha haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.
Rachel arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio. Clare arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses she joins Rachel in a glass of wine.
Then Samantha walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.
Rachel explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York 's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue , where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix.
Clare relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples, Florida.
Samantha explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Ben. They run a tropical bird park in California and grow their own vegetables. Ben can stand five parrots, side by side, on his unit.
Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Rachel blurts out that her husband is a cashier at Walmart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage facility. Clare, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama.
Samantha admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.
Rachel, Clare and Samantha haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.
Rachel arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio. Clare arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses she joins Rachel in a glass of wine.
Then Samantha walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.
Rachel explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York 's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue , where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix.
Clare relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples, Florida.
Samantha explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Ben. They run a tropical bird park in California and grow their own vegetables. Ben can stand five parrots, side by side, on his unit.
Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Rachel blurts out that her husband is a cashier at Walmart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage facility. Clare, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama.
Samantha admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.
- Thread starter
- #434
School Rules...
On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students.
Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.
Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60.
Being caught a third time will cost you $180.
Are there any questions?"
One boy raised his hand.
"How much for a season pass?"
On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students.
Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.
Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60.
Being caught a third time will cost you $180.
Are there any questions?"
One boy raised his hand.
"How much for a season pass?"
- Thread starter
- #435
The best Lawyer story of all time... for you dave
The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?'
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh . . . no, I didn't know that.'
'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?'
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.
'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry, I had no idea.'
And the lawyer says, 'So . . . if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?'
The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?'
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh . . . no, I didn't know that.'
'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?'
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.
'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry, I had no idea.'
And the lawyer says, 'So . . . if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?'
Matthew 10:16
Member # 003
OMG Mikey I told that story to you about myself in strictest confidence never dreaming that you would share with the rest of the world on this forum!
- Thread starter
- #437
Want that pesky bumper sticker gone
How to remove a bumper sticker
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=201pgTaEseQ&feature=related
How to remove a bumper sticker
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=201pgTaEseQ&feature=related
A Snake
Member #024
Get ready folks
A Warning from Pakistan!
This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration Mohamed Omar warned the United States that if Military actions against Iraq and Afghanistan continue, Taliban authorities intend to cut off America’s supply of Convenience Store Managers and possibly Motel 6 & Super 8 Managers.
And, if this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by DELL and AOL Customer Service Reps.
Finally, if all else fails, they have threatened to send us more candidates for President of the United States!
Folks, it's gonna get ugly!
A Warning from Pakistan!
This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration Mohamed Omar warned the United States that if Military actions against Iraq and Afghanistan continue, Taliban authorities intend to cut off America’s supply of Convenience Store Managers and possibly Motel 6 & Super 8 Managers.
And, if this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by DELL and AOL Customer Service Reps.
Finally, if all else fails, they have threatened to send us more candidates for President of the United States!
Folks, it's gonna get ugly!
- Thread starter
- #439
The Defective Parrot. Careful you will piss your pants on this 1
A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.
It doesn't have any feet or legs.
The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'
The parrot says, 'I was born this way.
I'm a defective parrot.'
'Holy crap,' the guy replies.
'You actually understood and answered me. !'
'I got every word,' says the parrot.
'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'
'Oh yeah?' the guy asks.
'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?'
'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook.
You can't see it, because of my feathers.'
'Wow,' says the guy.
'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'
'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.
I' m especially good at ornithology.
You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.
'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'
'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet.
You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!'
The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by.
The parrot is sensational.
He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.
The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Pssssssssssss t,' and motions him over with one wing.
'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man.'
'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.
'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'
'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.
'THEN what happened?'
'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.
'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'
'Yes.
Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'
Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED?'
DUNNO?!? I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch.!'
If this doesn't make you laugh, you're having a really bad day.
A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.
It doesn't have any feet or legs.
The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'
The parrot says, 'I was born this way.
I'm a defective parrot.'
'Holy crap,' the guy replies.
'You actually understood and answered me. !'
'I got every word,' says the parrot.
'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'
'Oh yeah?' the guy asks.
'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?'
'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook.
You can't see it, because of my feathers.'
'Wow,' says the guy.
'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'
'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.
I' m especially good at ornithology.
You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.
'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'
'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet.
You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!'
The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by.
The parrot is sensational.
He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.
The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Pssssssssssss t,' and motions him over with one wing.
'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man.'
'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.
'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'
'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.
'THEN what happened?'
'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.
'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'
'Yes.
Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'
Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED?'
DUNNO?!? I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch.!'
If this doesn't make you laugh, you're having a really bad day.
- Thread starter
- #440
The Irish Golfer
A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.
Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.
'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.
'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.
'Oh, I see. Well you got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'
'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.' And the golfer walks off.
'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.
'I have to do something for him. I'll give him
the three things I would want... a great golf game,
all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'
A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'
'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers.
I'm an internationally famous golfer now.' He adds 'by the way, it's good to see you're all right.'
'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer
golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money
situation?'
'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!'
'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'
C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun,
'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job.
How many times a week?'
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a week.'
'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock.
'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'
'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for
a Catholic priest in a small parish.'
A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.
Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.
'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.
'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.
'Oh, I see. Well you got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'
'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.' And the golfer walks off.
'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.
'I have to do something for him. I'll give him
the three things I would want... a great golf game,
all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'
A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'
'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers.
I'm an internationally famous golfer now.' He adds 'by the way, it's good to see you're all right.'
'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer
golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money
situation?'
'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!'
'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'
C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun,
'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job.
How many times a week?'
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a week.'
'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock.
'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'
'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for
a Catholic priest in a small parish.'