Joke of the week

The Little Old Lady in Court...

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?
Old Lady:
I am 94 years old.
Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?
Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?
Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?
Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Old Lady:
He began to rub all over of my body.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?
Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man.. Take me now! '
Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?
Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.
 
Lotto winner

A man asked his wife, “What would you do if I won the Lotto?
She says, “I’d take half and leave you!!”

Excellent!! I won 12 bucks….here’s 6, get the hell out!! :eek:
 
The other stall

Traveling down the interstate and needing to use the restroom,
I stopped at a rest area and headed to the restrooms barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
"Hi, how are you?"
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom and I don't know what got into me,
But I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
"Doin' just fine!"
And the other person says:
"So what are you up to?"
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"??
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can
when I hear another question.
"Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation.. I tell them
"No..I'm a little busy right now!!!"
Then I hear the person say nervously...
"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions :eek:


Cell phones, don't you just love them!
 
Hotel bill

Payback can be so sweet!


Next time you think your hotel bill is too high, you might want to consider this:

My wife and I are traveling by car from Victoria to Prince George. After
almost eleven hours on the road, we were too tired to continue, and decide
to take a room. But, we only planned to sleep for four hours and then get
back on the road. When we checked out four hours later, the desk clerk hands
us a bill for $350.00.

I explode and demand to know why the charge is so high. I tell the clerk
although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 Then
the clerk tells me that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. I insisted on
speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to me, and then explains that the hotel has an
olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for us
to use.’ But we didn't use them. ‘Well, they are here, and you could have,'
explains the Manager.

He goes on to explain we could also have taken in one of the shows for which
the hotel is famous. 'We have the best entertainers from New York,
Hollywood, and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.

'But we didn't go to any of those shows,' .'Well, we have them, and you
could have,' the Manager replies.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, I reply, ‘But we didn't use
It!'
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay.
I write a cheque and give it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque.. 'But sir,' 'this
cheque is only made out for $50.00.
'That's correct, as I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife.'
'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.
'Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have.' :eek:
 
Jewish sex

A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for their religious wedding meets with their rabbi for counseling....

The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave.

The man asks,"Rabbi, we realize it's tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the reception. But, we'd like your permission to dance together, like the rest of the world."

"Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It's immodest. Men and women always dance separately."

"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"

"No," answered the rabbi."It's forbidden."

"Well, okay," says the man,"What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"

"Of course!" replies the rabbi. "Sex is a mitzvah a good thing within marriage, to have children!"

"What about different positions?" asks the man.

"No problem," says the rabbi. "It's a mitzvah!"

"Woman on top?" the man asks.

"Sure," says the rabbi. "Go for it! It's a mitzvah!"

"Doggy style?" "Sure! Another mitzvah!"

"On the kitchen table?"

"Yes, yes! A mitzvah!"

"Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, a leather harness,a bucket of honey and a porno video?"

"You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah!"

"Can we do it standing up?"

"No." says the rabbi."

"Why not?" asks the man.

"Could lead to dancing!"

:eek: :eek:
 
OMG Where do you get this stuff? :D You're killing me here! :D & don't tell me you write it. :p The bathroom one is NUTS! The hotel clerk should have slipped him another bill for $295.00 & said actually I did sleep with your wife & I'm deducting what she was worth off your bill. :eek::D
 
An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'

The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you
$25,000 that your testicles are square.'

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'

'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'

'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that
there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Canada !'
 
Chinese sick leave

Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'

The boss John says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today.
When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me Sex.
That Makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You say and I feel Great.
I be at work soon..........You got nice house' :eek:
 
Super bowl seat

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No," he says, "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else-a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?".

The man shakes his head.

"No, they're all at the funeral." :eek: :eek:
 
Irish joke

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty. The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?'


She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'


The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'

She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'

The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.'

She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.' They then parted ways.

Some years later they met again. The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?'
She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'

The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?'

She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!'

The Father said, 'That's wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing?'
She replied,'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin'candle.'

:eek:
 
Poor bob

Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bob...'

Bob was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.
Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before? '

'Never,' said Bob.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

Bob did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood.
He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell...

"BOB, wake up. You shit in the bed !" :eek: :eek:
 
Abu al-Zarqawi died and George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates.
He slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to
destroy the nation I helped conceive!"

Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You
wanted to end our liberties but you failed!"

James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why
I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"

Thomas Jefferson was next, beat al-Zarqawi with a long cane and
snarled "It was Evil men like you who inspired me to write the
Declaration of Independence ."

The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe
and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist
Leader.

As al-Zarqawi lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared. Al- Zarqawi
wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."

The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting
for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?"
 
Strange american bats

Our planet is populated with plenty of bizarre and astonishing creatures. Here are three from the Bat Family ..... without the need for resorting to fiction.

Sucker-footed Bat # 1



Red-Winged Fruit Bat # 2




Last and least Left-Winged Ding Bat #3
 
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Grandma

Grandma's boyfriend

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was
dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you
don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'

Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in
my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs
make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh.
I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible.
She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in
focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV
hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring , so he hurried to open
the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said
'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'

The little boy replied,
'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'

The minister fainted.
 
Fast sex

Fast Sex

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office...but she was dating someone else.

One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said,
'I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you....
'The girl looked at him, and then said, 'NO!'

Eddie said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor,
you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.'

She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend... so she called him and explained the situation.

Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down.'

She agreed and accepts the proposal.

Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call... Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls her on her cell phone and asks what happened...?

Still breathing hard, she managed to reply,

'The bastard had all quarters!' :eek: :eek:


Management lesson:
Always consider a business proposition in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.
 
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