Joke of the week

I have to say that if we can live by these 5 rules, life would in deed be very good!

5 rules to live by.....


1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.


2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.


3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.


4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.


5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other


Signed,

Tiger Woods
 
We are in big trouble

we are in trouble...

The
Population of this country is 300 million.



160
Million are retired.


That leaves 140 million to do the
Work.




There are 85 million in school.




Which leaves 55 million to do the work.





Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal
Government.




Leaving 20 million to do the work.




2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied
With killing Osama
Bin-Laden.



Which leaves 17.2
Million to do the work.




Take from that total the 15.8
Million people who work for state and city
Governments. And that
Leaves 1.4 million to do the work.




At any given
Time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.



Leaving
1,212,000 to do the work.



Now, there are 1,211,998 people
In prisons.





That leaves just two people to do the
Work.





You and me.



And there
You are,



Sitting on your ass,




At your computer, reading jokes..


Nice. Real nice. :eek:
 
Hell explained

BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.


The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :


Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?


Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.


One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely.. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.


This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct, leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
:eek:
 
Stolen from FFROG, but very funny.

Girls night out

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however
They had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi
Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to
pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe
with so she thought She would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive
pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was
lucky enough to squat down next to a grave
that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she
proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business, they proceeded to
go home.

The next day, the husband of one of the women was
concerned That his normally sweet and innocent wife
was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the
other husband and said:

"These girl nights have got to stop!
I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home
with no panties!!"

"That's nothing," said the other husband,
"Mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that
said.....

'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget
you.'
 
Miranda rights

A female police officer arrests a man for drunk driving.

She tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent.

Anything you say can and will be held against you..."

The drunk says: "Tits." :eek:
 
Jokes to Offend Most Anybody

JOKES TO OFFEND EVERYONE

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?


Juan on Juan




What is a Yankee?

The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.




What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?

The position of the dirt bag



Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it.



What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?


Doughnuts


Why is air a lot like sex?

Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.


What do you call a smart blonde?


A golden retriever.


What do attorneys use for birth control?


Their personalities.


What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

10 years and 45 lbs


What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?

45 minutes


What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

Through his chest with a sharp knife


Why do men want to marry virgins?

They can't stand criticism.


Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?

Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you


Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.


Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?

Because they have cotton balls.


What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.


What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

"Are you sure it's mine?"


Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

Mace will do that to you


Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?

Everyone has the same DNA.


Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.


Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

A different bar.


Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blond baby?

They named him "Sum Ting Wong"


What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A speech impediment


What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?

Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?

A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ." -
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this s**t....
 
Husband and wife were watching a show about mixed emotions.

The husband looks at his wife and says, "BS I don't believe one comment could make you feel both happy and sad at the same time."

Wife says, "OK, of all your friends you have the largest penis.":eek::D
 
Suidide bombers

hope this doesn't offend anyone.















Susan Boyle


Since singer Susan Boyle (who professes being a virgin) has been on TV,
there's been a marked drop in suicide bombings.

Apparently many of the terrorists didn't realize what a virgin looked like.

:eek:
 
OMG you're funny!!!!!!!!! BTW I hope those stupid idiots don't mistake me for a virgin. :eek: BTW Isn't ___ with a virgin (beside me that is) overated? :D After all when ya want it done right don't ya take it to an experienced pro? :D
 
A new direction for the military

New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds.. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some ass hole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for awhile.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.


If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet..

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.

HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes??
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my Gosh!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!
 
Some good irish ones

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp...
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy.
"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
*********************************************************
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
" I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest,that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."


*********************************************************


Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door...
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course ya can come in, ya're always welcome, Tim. But where's me husban?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat o' Guinness Stout an drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But ya must tell me the truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no.. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

******************************************************************
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O' Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.
My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'
 
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