joke of the day

B

BigLeo69

A young boy went up to his father and said, "Dad,
the teacher gave us an assignment to determine
the difference between potentially and
realistically.

Can you help me?" The father thought for a
moment, then answered. "Go ask your
mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a
million dollars.
Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your
brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a
million dollars.

Come back and tell me what you learn from
that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you
sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to
fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked,
"Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with
him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?!"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would
you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
dollars?"
"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million
bucks would buy?"
The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and
realistically?"
The boy replied, "Yes... Potentially, you and I are sitting
on three million dollars..............
But
Realistically,......... We're living with two sluts and a queer.

:Dand only 1 a day keeps the saddness away
 
and one for Sunday

All women should live so long as to be this kind of old lady!

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question.

All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

'Mrs. Neely?'; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'

I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.

'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?'

'Ninety-eight.' she replied.

'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle,
faced the congregation, and said:


'I outlived the bitches.' :eek:
 
insurance quote

Wooden Leg Insurance'


A man and his wife moved back home to Newfoundland ,
From Toronto . The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Ontario was
$2000.00 a year! When they arrived in Newfoundland , they went to an
Insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg.
The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, '$39.00.'

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Newfoundland
to insure, because it cost him $2000.00 in Ontario !

The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it
Is on the screen,it says:

*Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is $39.00.*
 
old victoria secret?

Once a MARINE always a MARINE On their 50th anniversary, a wife found
>> the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on. She went to
>> her husband, a retired MARINE, and asked, "Honey, do you remember this?"
>>
>> He looked up from his newspaper and said; "Yes dear, I do.
>> You wore that same negligee the night we were married"
>> She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that
>> night?"
>> He nodded and said "Yes dear, I said; Oh baby, I'm going to suck the
>> life out of those boobs and screw your brains out."
>> She giggled and said; "That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty
>> years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say
>> tonight?"
>> He looked her up and down and said;
>>
>> " Mission Accomplished."
 
OJ Dead news at a 11

One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart-attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.


'I don't know what to do here,' says the devil.. 'You are on my


list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so


I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who

weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to
take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves.'



OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the
door to the first room.

In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving
in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dove in and
surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.


'No,' OJ said. 'I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I

don't think I co uld do that all day long.'

The devil led him to the door of the next room..

In it was George W. Bush with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks.
All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after
time. 'No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my
shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks
all day,' commented OJ.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton,
lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained
in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what
she does best.
OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, 'Yeah
man, I can handle this.'

The devil smiled and said . . .. . . (This is priceless)

'OK, Monica, you're free to go.'
 
Bubba Strikes again!!

A college professor asked his students how many believed in ghosts. About 75 students raised their hands. He then asked how many had actually seen a ghost. About 20 students acknowledged and raised their hand. He then asked the class if anyone had ever made love to a ghost. From way in the back of the class room , Bubba slowly raised his hand. The professor asked Bubba to come to the front of the class. He then asked Bubba again, You really made love to a ghost? Bubba replied; Oh, no sir. From the back of the room I thought you said goats !!!!
 
:D that's just wrong on so many levels :D:D
lols.png
 
Mans' Best Friend

Here is a little experiment to prove to you that dog is mans' best friend. Go home and lock your spouse and your dog in the trunk of your Cobra. After about an hour, open the trunk and see who's happy to see you.....see there !!!!
 
We LOVE.......Jerry Clower.
"Knock him out John....."
"Shoot this thang....This thangs ....killin me...!"

OK...Joke for the day:

An Israeli doctor said to a medical conference, "Medicine in my country is so
advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it into another and have
him looking for work in six weeks!"

The German doctor stood up and said, "Well medicine in my county is so advanced,
we can take a lung out of one person and put it into another and have him
looking for work in 4 weeks"

The Russian doctor got up and said "My country is even more advanced, we can
remove half a heart from one person, put it into another and have them both
looking for work in just 2 weeks!"

Not to be outdone, the American doctor stood up and addressed the conference,
"Well", he said, "My country is so far advanced in medicine, we can take an
asshole out of Chicago , put him in the White House, and have half the country
looking for work in 24 hours...!"
 
i said doctor please!!!and she said doctor,doctorMD

A man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to

the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he

discovers the urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate

today, but this new procedure is a little different from what

you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right

side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate,

take a deep breath and say, '99'."

The guy obeys and says, '99'!

The doctor says, "Great. Now turn over on your left side

And again, while I repeat the check, please take a deep

breath and say, '99'."

Again, the guy says, '99'.



The doctor said, "Very good. Now then, I want you to

lie on your back with your knees raised slightly.. I'm

going to check your prostate with this hand, and with

the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis and

your testicles, to keep them out of the way. Now take

a deep breath and say, '99'."

'The guy begins, 'One ... Two ... Three ...'
 
and the doctor said "DOCTOR" Misses M.D.

As

we men age and retire, it seems that more and more doctors and other medical

personnel are young attractive women.






Recently,

my family doctor referred me to a female urologist.






I

saw her yesterday, and she's absolutely drop-dead gorgeous as well as

unbelievably sexy.






She

told me that I must stop masturbating.






I

asked her why, and she said,







"Because

I'm trying to examine you......"
 
the old farmer

--- A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking
company's fancy hot shot lawyer was questioning Clyde

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked
the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just
loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer
the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm
fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was
driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to
establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told
the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several
weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a
fraud.

Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde 's answer and
said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his
favorite cow, Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had
just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving
her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the
stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one
ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and
didn't want to move.

However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she
was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a
Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning

and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked
at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"

"Now what the f!@k would you say?"
 
1st place"public school"

sure glad i spend the extra for private school...my girl wouldn't of drawn stick people:D
 
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funny lawyer joke

'Lawyer with a heart'

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along
the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, 'Why are you eating grass?'

'We don't have any money for food,' the poor man replied. 'We have to eat
grass.'

'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,' the lawyer
said.

'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under
that tree.'

0A
'Bring them along,' the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, 'You come with us, also.'

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, 'But sir, I also have a wife
and SIX children with me!'

'Bring them all, as well,' the lawyer answered

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as
20
the limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, 'Sir,
you are too kind.'

'Thank you for taking all of us with you.'

The lawyer replied, 'Glad to do it.

You'll really love my place.

The grass is almost a foot high.'
:eek::eek::eek::D
 
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