Funny Stuff...

insurance

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor
comes in and says, 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you
probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're
going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but..... something
happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was
chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.'

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, 'You've got $10,000 in insurance
compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new
willy that will work as well as your old one did.....better in fact!
However, the thing is, it does not come cheap. It's $1,000 an inch.'

The man perks up at this. 'So,' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide
how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with
your wife. I mean, if you had a six inch one before, and you decide to go
for a ten incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a ten inch
one before, and you decide only to invest in a six incher this time, she
might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping
you make the decision.'

The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day.
'So,' says the doctor, 'have you spoken with your wife?'

'I have,' says the man.

'And has she helped you in making the decision?'

'Yes, she has,' says the man.

'And what is it?' asks the doctor.

'We're getting new countertops"



'great thats what we need for my trade some people to start buying things and fixing up there homes i am sure that doc has got real nice countertops, do you know how much granite tops are per inch' :D Leo
 
what theres no comediens out there

lets keep the fun happenin' joke on you joke on me!!!:D
you know the best joke for humor is on yourself!
what's the funniest thing that happen to you or what's the funniest thing that happen to someone you know?????
don't be shy!! unless you are a chicken:eek:
life can always be surprising surprise yourself i told to many jokes its someones
elses turn>>>>>> i may run out NOT:p
if i could figure out how to post funny pics i would:D
 
That confessional stuff had my side hurtn Leo. :D Keep the good stuff comn. :) I'll see if I can come up with some stuff too so you & Mike don't have to post all the funny stuff.

Guy walks in the pharmacy to the buxom sales gal at the counter & says "I need some condoms." She says "what size?" He says "heck I don't know." She says "well there's a wooden fence out back with labled knot holes why don't ya go see what size ya need." So he goes out back & before he gets there she beats him to the fence, hikes her skirt up & (you get the picture). :) After he's tried out all the knot holes he goes back in to the counter & she's standing there & says "did ya figure out the size?" He says "The heck with the condoms, give 10 yards of that fence." :D
 
The Almost Perfect Diet
I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my dog Lola -
and was in line for the check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a
dog... DUH!

I was feeling a bit crabby, so on impulse, I told her no, I was
starting "The Purina Diet" again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd
ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds, before I
awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices
and I.V.'s in both arms. Her eyes about bugged out of her head.

So... I went on again with the bogus diet story, and she was
totally buying it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet, and
that the way it works is to load your pockets and purse with Purina nuggets
and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said
the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by
now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.)

Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me,
and was that why I ended up in the hospital? I said no... I'd been
sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me.

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.
 
Ok you asked for them....

4 guys sitting around having drinks and one of the men
had to use the rest room. The three others talked about their kids.
The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a company at the bottom. He studied Business and began to
climb the corporate ladder, became president of the company. He's so rich; he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for Christmas..
The second guy said, 'Damn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, went to flight school to become a pilot. He became a partner, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet as a Christmas gift.'
The third man said: 'Well, that is terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer,started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave an expensive Christmas gift to his best friend: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'
The three friends congratulate each other just as the fourth returned from the rest room and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?'One of the three said: 'We're talking about the way we feel for the successes of our sons ... What about your son?' The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'
The three friends said: 'That's a shame .. what a disappointment.'
The fourth man replied: 'Nah, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too badly either. Just this Christmas alone he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.
 
6 truths of life


1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue..



2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.


3. The first truth is a lie.


4. You are smiling now because youre an idiot.


5. You will soon forward this to another idiot.


6. There is still a stupid smile on your face.


My work here is done...........
 
9 Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time........ I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3 When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too'. Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4 When people say 'it's always the last place you look'. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

5 When people say while watching a film 'did you see that?'. No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6 People who ask 'Can I ask you a question?'.... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8 When people say 'life is short'. What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks 'Has the bus come yet?'. If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?
 
Only at Walmart...


One
day, in line at the company cafeteria, Bob says to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a
doctor.'

'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies.

'There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine
sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs $10 - A lot cheap er than a doctor.'

So, Bob deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.

He deposits $10, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He
pours the sample into the slot and waits.

10 seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
activity. It will improve in 2 weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.'

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Bob began
wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his
wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Bob hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits $10,
pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.


The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart .
 
BLONDES

Two Blondes With Hammers...were doing some carpentry work on
a Habitat for Humanity house.

Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into
her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her
shoulder or nail it in.

Donna, (figuring this was worth looking into) asked, "Why
are you throwing those nails away?"

Carol explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about
half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw
them away."

Donna got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! Those
nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of
the house!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in
a drive-in movie?
They had gone to see "Closed for the Winter."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night
with the tip of her index finger shot off. "How did this
happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.

"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.
"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide
by shooting off your finger?"

"No, Silly" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my
chest, and then I thought, 'I just paid $6,000.00 for
these implants. I'm not shooting myself in the chest."
"So then?" asked the doctor. "Then I put the gun in my
mouth, and I thought, "I just paid $3,000.00 to get my
teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the
mouth." "So then?"

"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: "This is
going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my
other ear before I pulled the trigger.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A blonde was driving home after a game and got
caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered
with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair
shop.

The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided
to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into
the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop
out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees
and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened.
So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.
Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, "What are you doing?"
The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed
her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the
dents to pop out.

The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You
need to roll up the windows first."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny
silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked
it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was.
The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos..... it keeps hot things
hot, and cold things cold."

"Wow, said the blonde, "that's amazing.... I'm going to buy
it!!" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next
day.
Her boss saw it on her desk. "What's that," he asked?

"Why, that's a thermos..... it keeps hot things hot and cold
things cold," she replied.

Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?"

The blond replied..... ."Two popsicles and some coffee."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her
boss asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?"

The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call
saying that my mother had passed away." The boss, feeling
sorry for her, says, "Why don't you go home for the day? Take
the day off to relax and rest."

"Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off
it and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss
agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours
pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out
from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically.

"What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?" he asks.

"No!" exclaims the blonde. "I just received a horrible call
from my sister. Her mother died, too!"
 
Christmas Cookie Ingredients:

1 cup butter lemon juice
1 tsp baking soda 4 large eggs
1 cup sugar 1 cup nuts
1 tsp salt 2 cups dried fruit
1 cup brown sugar 1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila

Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer...Beat one cup butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar...Beat again.

At this point, it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still OK, try another cup...just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit off floor...

Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who giveshz a sheet.

Check the Jose Cuervo.

Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.

Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.

Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.

CHERRY MISTMAS!
 
Changed my mind...

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659
CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old), what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this:

When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.


BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident", I just lost it."

"CASE DISMISSED!!"
 
Things I've learned from my Boys (honest and not kidding):

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to
spread paint on all four walls of a 20 x 20 ft. room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.
11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject "PB &J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24. 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

Those who pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without boys do it because:

a) For those with no children - this is totally hysterical!
b) For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
d) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
 
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS


Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
______________________________

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
_____________________________

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
_____________________________

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
_____________________________

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
______________________________

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
______________________________

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
_____________________________

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
_____________________________

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals
 
Things to do at Wal-Mart while your spouse/partner is taking? their?? sweet time:

1. Get 24 boxes of? condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3 Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4 Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and see what happens.

5 Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6 Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7 Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8 When a clerk ask s if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9 Look right into the security camera; use it as a? mirror, and pick your nose.

10 While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

11 Dart around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the Mission Impossible" theme.

12 In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13 Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

14 When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

(And last but not least!)

15 Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and, then, yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
 
If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy s#$t, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting s!@t-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I s*&t on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my a$$ with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI..

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 - No Report
 
Thanks for the contributions..I have a couple of questions however.
Can you really change the channels without the remote? I didn't know that
How does the thermos know which function to perform?
 
A man in his late '50s had terrible headaches since he was a teenager..took all kinds of pain releivers to no avail and decided to see his family doctor. The doc ran all kinds of tests on him with little or no luck. Doc finally decided that his problem was arising from his testicles pressing on his spine. The guy asked what treatment was available to relieve his pain. The doc said castration was the only solution he knew of.
The man struggle for several weeks with his decision, but go through with it. He was getting up in age and had been married for almost 40 years so his sex life wasn't a real big part of his life anyway.
After the surgery the guy recovered and was released from the hospital. He left to go home, quite depressed by the way.
As he drove by a strip mall he decided to do something to cheer himself up. He went into a tailors shop and decided to buy a new suit.
The owner came up to him and asked if he was in the market for a new suit...yes he replied.
The owner said "let me see as he looked him up and down, 44L" The man replies, that is correct how did you know? owner says, been in business for 60 years.
Then it came to pant size and the owner says 36 waist, 32 length, do you want them hemmed? Man was amazed. The owner says yep been doing this for 60 years.
Owner says need a shirt/tie to go with it the suit? Man says sure.Owner says 16-1/2 neck 36 sleeves, you want french cuffs? Man says your are good, that is right. Been doing this for 60 years says the owner.
Owner says might as well do this up rite and get new socks and underwear. man agrees.
Owner says lets see, 11med on the socks and 36 on the underwear..Man says you are right on the shoes/sock size but I have been wearing size 34 underwear since I was in high school.




Owner says man I bet that gives you one hell of a headache.
 
now thats good

Matthew 10:16 said:
That confessional stuff had my side hurtn Leo. :D Keep the good stuff comn. :) I'll see if I can come up with some stuff too so you & Mike don't have to post all the funny stuff.

Guy walks in the pharmacy to the buxom sales gal :eek:

being a carpenter there are lots of knots out there,i will call it 'characteristic of the wood'
but tite knots have there advantage:D
Click to expand...
 
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