Our children

[Tim M]

Now that I've gotten to know a few of you, I have a story of two kids. Both were raised in the same loving home with loving parents and relatives. As you may or may not know, I am from Arkansas and the remainder of my family (1 brother, 1 sister, and my dad) all live there. Linda's family all live here, but she lost her Mom a few years ago and her Dad several years ago. My Mom moved in with me 8 years ago. I tell you this so you know something of the environment that they lived. We spent a lot of time with both children, took them places, on vacations, spent time with them, and enjoyed our time with them. About 4 years ago it became apparent that our oldest was drinking alcohol. The normal punishments soon followed (grounding, vehicle taken away, lecture, etc....) Spring forward a couple years, and it became apparent that our youngest was using drugs (weed) and shortly after that his brother was caught on the front porch with it. So, here we are now with a 19 y.o. and a 16 y.o. that have been using for 3 - 4 years, according to them. Were we blind a little lax in letting them go and do things? Maybe in retrospect, but I don't post this for what we could have done - apparently we made mistakes. I am writing this to ask if any of you have had similar experiences? What did you do? What can we do without alienating our kids? What are the options with the older one who is now an adult? We can't quit as parents, we know that, but it get's so frustrating at times when we know what we have gone through to provide them something, or buy something, or to spend time with them. We have talked to people before, but it seems to us unless you have lived through a similar experience and then had success with your solutions, then it is merely trial and error which we seem to continue to do. As someone once told me, if you continue to do the same thing with the same bad result, isn't that 'insanity'? I also post this for those of you with children that are approaching their teen years. Please learn something from this post, and talk to your kids about drug use, teen sex etc... If you repeat it enough, something is bound to stick, right? Sorry, was just sitting at a park during lunch and a young family is on the playground.....of course the kids are having fun without a care in the world. Think the dad knows what's in store for him? sorry to "unload" here, just looking for advice from perfect strangers I guess

 

[Matthew 10:16]

I feel 4 U My Dear Friend

Life is sooooooo tuff. I am here 4 U anytime!!!! I would be more than happy 2 discuss matters of a personal nature w/U @ anytime. I respect & admire U beyond measure 4 the manner in which U have conducted URself & 4 your courage in sharing w/us your problems of a deeply personal nature. I will respect UR privacy & defer 2 speaking 2 U about these matters privately should U decide to call upon me for help in anyway I can provide assistance. & it certainly will NOT be lecturing. Dave

 

[STL-Scott]

Troop C

Tim,

I have some colleagues at Troop C, would you like to have a little scare for your eldest? I know this sounds severe, but maybe if he saw what happens to young adults that run amuck, he might wise up. Call it an intervention if you will...

Just a suggestion. I'm lucky to have a 24 y.o. step-daughter who is responsible now. She had some issues when I first came into the picture 8 years ago, but after a few years of counseling (for her an us) it seems she is on track now.

HTH

 

[Kerry & Kathy]

Tim,

"There but by the grace of God go I..."

Many of us started out on a wrong track even with the best of parents.

Growing up is tough with all the negative influences and peer pressures kids are subjected to.

For me...military service was the solution. After four years you learn personal responsibility and discipline that is too often missed when parents try to make life better for their kids than it was for themselves. The "tough love" of a DI will get 98% of young men back on track in short order while giving them a sense of belonging to a group greater than themselves. The self confidence that you acquire alone is worth the investment of 2 or more years of your life.

I have personally witnessed some very hard core "problem cases" who had their heads screwed on straight in short order, as a result of military service.

In my case, I had been kicked out of my parents home after "cold cocking" my dad and dropping out of College. With no place to go...and a chip on my shoulder...I volunteered for service in Vietnam. Three WestPac tours later, I returned a totally different man. It was one of the best "life choices" I ever made.

I think it would work for your sons...

Kerry

 

[carpe kid]

Tim,
I have to agree with Scott. At this point the best thing is to scare one or both. My biggest concern would not be the use as much as how they get it. They have to be putting themselves into harms way if not now they certainly will in the future. My brother is a sergent in Hazelwood, he or a number of his co-officers would be happy to help. IF you can get them caught by a "friend" that you know will not take it through the legal system that may be just enough. You will not be the one that did it, but you will be the one that helps them.

I am with the others here, you made no mistakes. Kids are kids, I may have done things in my youth that would have gotten me in trouble, but I ended up ok. It took courage to share, thank you.

Brandon

 

[f4sfed]

Tim,

"There but by the grace of God go I..."

Many of us started out on a wrong track even with the best of parents.

Growing up is tough with all the negative influences and peer pressures kids are subjected to.

For me...military service was the solution. After four years you learn personal responsibility and discipline that is too often missed when parents try to make life better for their kids than it was for themselves. The "tough love" of a DI will get 98% of young men back on track in short order while giving them a sense of belonging to a group greater than themselves. The self confidence that you acquire alone is worth the investment of 2 or more years of your life.

I have personally witnessed some very hard core "problem cases" who had their heads screwed on straight in short order, as a result of military service.

In my case, I had been kicked out of my parents home after "cold cocking" my dad and dropping out of College. With no place to go...and a chip on my shoulder...I volunteered for service in Vietnam. Three WestPac tours later, I returned a totally different man. It was one of the best "life choices" I ever made.

I think it would work for your sons...

Kerry

Amen! ....some good advise here.

Going through our own trials and tribulations, I'm coming to realize that you can't make their choices for them. Unfortunately, most people need to figure it out on their own (like telling a child that the oven is hot). Your kids are older than mine (17, 13.5, 6.5 and 4), so I'm not sure I'm qualified to answer, however what Kerry said really rings true, at least with me. I'm almost beginning to think that it's the 'better life than we had' that's causing all our trouble....our kids have it EASY compared to what I had growing up. However at the same time, I'm also coming to realize that there is no one single answer that'll fix all child issues. There is no 'one way' to raise kids properly. The more I get in to this, the more I realize that people [kids in this case] really do choose their own path...even with the same input and environment.

Good luck to you, and I'll say a little prayer for your boys.
Stan

 

[STL Mark]

Fight for this!

Buddy - I had to think about this post all week long, and I'm not sure what to say - still. Let me ask you -
Did you teach your kids right from wrong?
Did you show them lots of love?
Did you tell them that they can succeed in life if they want to?
Did you try to set a good example for them?

If you answered yes to these - you did your job.
You're a good Dad. You can't blame yourself for their problems.

Additionally - you can't force a cure on to them. They have to want to stop. They have to be motivated to stop - for themselves.

Drugs and alcohol are amazing things - they are 100% effective in making you feel good - and eventually they are 100% effective in ruining your life. Some people hit rock bottom (or death) in a few months or years, others take decades - but eventually all are victims. It's been said that addiction doesn't just have victims - it takes hostages! They're problems have creeped into every aspect of your life now. But it's not to late - you can beat this.

Know this, be there for them. Help them survive this. Be patient. They'll grow up. They'll come back. How do I know? - I KNOW! Believe me, if it weren't for my parents, and the lessons I learned from them - I would be in jail or dead by now. Not kidding at all - I'm one of the lucky ones - thanks to my parents.

Additionally, I have spent 20 years in the "addiction" field as a professional (no wise cracks) and have scene the absolute horrors that addiction can do to someone without guidance and love. I have an 18 year old and a 10 year old - and fully know what you are going through - from both sides of the isle. I got lucky with my kids - so far, and I'm not really sure what I would do in your situation. I do know that I couldn't ever give up. My parents didn't give up on me - and they had plenty of chances. You have to fight - you have to.

Also there is a rehab center that specializes in young people on 94 - just before you get to 40 - and I can't remember the name - but I'll try and find it for you. If you have decent insurance coverage - it should kick in for this.

I could talk to you for hours about this - and would if you wanted to. I could could tell you stories that would curl your toes. My advise though - love your kids - get professional help - fast!

Mark

 

[Tim M]

Thanks for all the replies. I know it's difficult giving advice to someone you don't really know that well. Mark, to answer, yes, we did. And I know if we had done a few things differently, the outcome could have been different. But, as a friend of mine has told me, I can't change that, and I have to deal with the present. The best advice I've gotten and the pillar of my foundation has been from Mom. She just told me to keep on loving, keep on giving and keep on keepin' on. So, I've killed them with kindness, hugged them when passing by for no reason whatsoever, suggested "cool" things for them to do that I would help with (concerts, roller hockey....). These are things I had been doing all along, but not often enough. My wife has been more than a mother, more than a friend and more than a mentor to them. We've also taken a different approach to communication. Stop yelling, talk calmly, listen, listen, and listen some more. As Stan said, I think we are all cursed with the "they will have it better than me" syndrome. But, like Mom said - what was wrong with your raising? My answer, nothing, so why do I think they need better than me? Don't know, just trying too hard maybe. I would say that I had a bit of breakthrough with my youngest in that we had a nice long talk and his responses were what I wanted to hear and what most would want to hear. Now, actions are louder than words and in no way am I going to let my guard down, but I feel a little better about his situation. The 19 y.o. - I have seem him high and low - I don't think he has been high for 2 weeks now, but MOST nights, I don't stay up until he comes home either. So, I do feel better because they seem to see what it's doing to us at home, they seem to understand that this isn't the right thing to do. HOWEVER, it will not keep me from having them drug tested, checking their rooms-cars and pockets for drug stuff. It still hurts, angers and frustrates me to no end, but I have to keep going. Again, thanks for the help, sometimes talking it out is half the solution. Mark, I will keep the suggestion to get professional help ready and will begin checking that path. We'll see.

 

[STL Mark]

You're doing it right.
Keep loving your kids.
Keep them safe.
Keep talking to them.

They'll grow up.
They'll come back.

 

[f4sfed]

<snip>Also there is a rehab center that specializes in young people on 94 - just before you get to 40 - and I can't remember the name - but I'll try and find it for you. If you have decent insurance coverage - it should kick in for this. </snip>

Centerpoint. :|

 

[carpe kid]

though we haven't met yet. I want to offer my best. Good luck.

 

[Matthew 10:16]

My good friend Tim

I am so glad to hear that you had a breakthrough with the younger one. Perhaps if the older one sees that Dad & the youngest are starting to bond & become Buddies, he'll get jealous & knock off the stupid stuff. I wish & pray for only the best for you & Linda in your efforts to do the right thing. Keep up the communication with the youngest one & send the strongest signal that you can with lots of praise & I love yous so he will be encouraged to do the right thing. BTW my son Jordan & I just returned from Good Guys Indy. We had our 1st Father/son trip together. He called his mom from his cell & told her he was having the time of his life w/me. He fell in love w/a deuce hi-boy at the show that was 4 sale. Man if I just had an extra 36K I would love to.