Old guys rule

[A Snake]

An old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course, and heads into the club restaurant. As he enters, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:


COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the young, exceptionally attractive female bartender. She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.

"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?"

The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, "I was wondering, young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs: "Yes Sir, I sure am."
The old golfer leans closer and whispers into her left ear, "Well, wash your hands real good because I want a cheeseburger."

 

[mike w]

IRS vs GRANDPA

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an
extravagant lifestyle and no full-time
employment, Which you explain by saying
that you win money gambling.
I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says
Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay.
Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars
that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says,
'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand
dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind,
so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures
and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has
wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's
attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?'
Grandpa asks
'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can
stand on one side of your desk, and pee into
that wastebasket on the other side, and never
get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now,
but he looks carefully and decides there's no
way this old guy could possibly manage that
stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips
his pants, but although he strains mightily,
he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side,
so he pretty much urinates all
over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts
his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning,
when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here
and pee all over your desk
and that you'd be happy about it!'

I keep telling you!
Don't Mess with Old People!!

 

[Matthew 10:16]

OMG that thar's funny, I don't care who you are. I just peed all over myself laughing & I'm happy about it.